pernah tak

Pernah x rasa, unable to love something?
xde perasaan?
heartless and emotionless?
trying to fake feelings because you know that you're a freaking human,
because you want to feel,
you want to be happy.
pernah x?

Midnight Note and Night Changes, of course ;)

She asked me; how was it? and whether i've been studying.
and i told her, i wanna take a break and i'm tired thinking about my study.
"don't quit, don't give up." she read me well.
i'm just tired and don't wanna talk about this at the moment. maybe next time, i said
and she understood. then there's a brief goodbye.

looking at everything,
how solid the time is.
how things changed,
how ups and downs possessed the wheel,
i was completely astounded.

i wanna freeze the time,
but growing up is a good thing too.

hang in there sweetheart,
we'll go with the flow,
i said.
what happened are meant to be lessons,
don't worry much as He has everything planned,
just work and try your best.

#MidnightNote

how sweater season turns to be and of being introverted

mom is always amazed of my "non-stop and won't stop communicating" skills,
she believes that she's an introvert and as we all know,
an introvert does find difficulties in social situations furthermore when it comes to people that they aren't familiar with.
but i think my mom isn't that bad at social skills though, maybe a little bit but i do honestly think, introverts and their extreme honesty are necessary in our life because the world is too full of deception.

so, there's that,
mom said i am obviously an extrovert and then i figured out that there's also a mix of introvert and extrovert which is ambivert.
but after taking test and as what my mom recommended, i discover that i am extrovert.
so why does this matter so much?

here's from a point of an extrovert *if i'm really one of them*
we get tired.
we get tired trying to be nice and suppressing our real thoughts on things sometimes simply because we care a LOT about our relationships with people.
because we believe that relationships are the one which keep us going,
which keep our life lively.
but to a certain extend,
sometimes we wish that others will have feelings too.
meaning, would understand or at least try to be in our shoes.
considering the facts that we seemed to be cool and easygoing and don't care about stuffs,
but we're actually humans like you guys too.
be logical and sensible when it comes to our belongings,
be polite and careful with jokes,
because we're humans too.

i get tired from relationships and decided to have some break.
just having my sweater season by reducing my social interactions with people and it's quite hard because sometimes you just wanna talk and talk and people acts are amusing!
they are funny, people are incredible but i just wanna put it aside
because i believe that when we started to open up we will eventually let both things mix up, the bad jokes and good jokes, bad acts and good acts, those stuffs.
and we'll get hurt because obviously you need to pay for what you get,

so i'm thinking about the introverts.
how lucky they are to have just a small group of really highly trusted people around them and to not have to face hurtful things by people who aren't even close to them.
although it sounds lonely and boring, but it is adequate enough to have a small life and enjoy the little things around you.
at least that's what i think.
about being socially awkward, i can't comment on that because i, when sometimes become awkward in situations, will also feel uneasy and just don't prefer that kind of personality.
so that's that.

and after resting from social network which is mainly just twitter where i have lots of *friends* that i'm *closed* with,
i feel lonely but i keep books as my company.
whenever i feel boring with nothing to do and people to talk to,
i pick my book and it sorts of make me feel better.
SO extroverts, book is a good substitute for people when you wanna take a break.
it distracts you from the fact that you feel like you have nobody when you don't talk to them on twitter and stuffs.
macam tulah.

so i've successfully finished the rosie project thru my sweater season,
i kinda bring it anywhere and read it in between class and whenever i have nothing to do, which is a good point because i don't have to worry if i screw up my relationship with certain people because all i need to do is pick up my book and ignore my environment without feeling hurt or depressed.
and also, reading book is much better because it adds up your knowledge and restrain yourself from talking unnecessary things which you always do when you talk to other people.

so all in all, i can cope trying to be an introvert but i still keep my relationship with people running on, just that i reduced the numbers and i try to improve my relationships more on reality rather than social media because i believe that people in reality are more real and important.
i have fun, having smaller groups to care and connect to,
and also have more things to think and ponder since i read books (YAY!)
so all in all it was okay and i view this as a changing season,
like before a climate change,
you kind of need to sort things out and it'll get better.
i believe it is the right thing to do at the moment because i can see some improvement on my emotions and feelings and also when it becomes better, i am at a rational state to value and weigh things, finding motivations and priorities to keep my life goes on.
i also slowly fix my relationship with people because when we let things be the way they are,
it will slowly rotate and find an equilibrium state. *physics phew*

now i'm currently reading the last song, but still going on slowly because i'm too hype up because i have 4 days for holidays and have been hibernating ever since heheh,
so good luck in whatever you do in life, what ever you're looking for, i hope you will find it.

xoxo, munierahkay ;)

the weather is a cold sweater

ive just finished my last paper yesterday for test 2 and my final exam is coming in 2 more weeks.
it is hectic and i guess people also get affected.
people seem stress or not cheerful like they used to be.
and i saw that in myself too.
its like everything is about exam and it keeps coming one after another.
its hard tho.
and after going through some phase that i told before,
i find myself in a sweater season.
the one that you've become lonely,
shutting down people in your life,
trying to figure out things,
and just be there on your bed,
doing nothing.

its a leisure on the other hand to not think about my study for a moment
because physics chem n bio are just hard this time
not to mention calculus and computer too
i dunno whether i havent studied enough (which obviously could be the point)
or its really hard.

so figuring things in my sweater mood,
i am deadly wanna go back home and get two of my favorite cutiepies.
like seriously im dying to outcast myself from the world and immerse in romance books.
i love it.
i just find that romance book is simple yet it gives you a better perspective on your life and
its just like happiness paved along your path.

i need them.
but people have been busy so im not sure when can i get them and.
i have interclass netball match tomorrow and cant go back home.
so yeah.
i wish it is today that i can have them in my room.
reading with high enthusiasm while being lazy on my bed.
just stay in my room and not opening a single book because i want a break.

wait for me love

fear of falling

i'm not a perfectionist but i'm afraid to fail at things i wanna succeed at.
but i'm 18.
and going through this.
a lot of self-reflections and self-judgement,
i guess growing is painful.
and this year is probably the hardest because after you were said to have your own identity and solid personality when you're 18, i discovered that it is otherwise.
it is very full of experiments and uncertainty.
probably because i kinda built multiple personalities as i grow up so when things change and as a way of adapting to it, i become the old me or i even develop another personality.
and it's suffocating, exhausting and killing becoming an 18.
sometimes i feel lifeless.
always ask myself what happen? and what's right?
and.
why aren't the people who always help me to get through this are in silence?
why are they backing away?
have i ruined my relationship with them?
or.
have i become someone less likeable to them or, not likeable at all now?
or maybe.
a matter of less important.
maybe.

it sucks.
maybe because i always find my joys and happiness in relationships.
building relationship and going through the downs for a while and realize that they are the right people that you've welcomed into your life, and then they went silence.
and sometimes i imagine what they are going to tell me when i have problems and imagine how they are going to comfort me but the reality is,
they've gone.
forever.
even if we still connected with each other through whatsapp group and stuffs but what's done is done.

and i realize,
how far am i going to be under their wings?
how far am i going to wish that they were here and things were different?
how far am i going to waste my future for the past that has gone forever?

that's the thing.
it makes me realize how,
crucial it is to grow up now.

and i still am lazy somehow.
to push myself but i guess there are certain things that i can improve.

its december 2014,
they say make the best out of this one more month and i realize that i should at least achieve something about myself.
inprove and be a different person.
be the best thing i think i should be.
i'm still not confident about it.
but i guess i should make my choice, try to fly with my own wings, fall, get broken, heal them and grow up with a better and tougher wings.

i'm gonna start by improving my social network access.
i guess i need to start recheck my intention,
remove things and people that are unnecessary,
before i changed my mind again.

cassiopea

Hey,
Pick that star for me,
Would you?
Will you?

The day moved very slowly,
But i realize that it's changing.

I need all this,

Time,
Lend me some of your time,
Love,
And a loving person i shall be,

Admist the chaos,
I saw you,
And i need you,
To pick that star for me,
So i can twinkle
like i should be

It's night but the sky is dark red
i wonder what happened
it doesnt feel right
everything
I feel cold and everything's aching
small trouble but magnified by feelings


I dunno which part of you that im losing now

pouring my heart and soul

After a while, i was having writer's block and i am not interested to write anything.
It may be due to the fact that my semester 2 appears to be more hectic than semester 1 and i'm a lil bit busy.

The last time i wrote was for nst and i love my work because i put so much effort into it. The original article that i wrote was longer but they've edited it to suit it with the current status quo. It's okay though, i still keep the original one :)

So, talking about writing or anything basically,
i love to leave remarks in everything that i produce or write.
i think it's kinda necessary to make it obvious that it's your handwork
and giving it to people to enjoy it, i just love it.
it's like you're baking your own secret recipe muffin, topped with your favorite icing and give it to people and they enjoy it!

my mom said i always make everything that i do becomes pellucid.
like i have a peculiar way of doing my things
whenever she reads my writing, she will always say; you've made it very clear that it was you.
and honestly, i feel contented listening to it because being able to produce a distinct art of your own, feels like owning your own fashion label. i know it sounds ridiculous but i really mean it.

so my point is that,
being peculiar than others is actually beyond blessing.
just having such distinct personality and pouring your heart and soul in everything you do,
it's satisfying.
it's different from others,
it's beautiful
and the most important is,
it's so you!

i just love it!
that's why i tried so much to put effort in doing things that i love because i want it to be something momentous and bold and so me
and as a matter of fact, i am a lazy mazy person but there are things that i feel excited doing therefore i just pour my heart into it,
i tried to relate most of the things that i do with my life as much as possible,
because i believe the fragments of my past are beautiful and i believe that putting it in my art and work is a way of symbolizing who i am now,
kinda like bits of puzzle and reminiscing old moments are surely beautiful

i need to pick 3 random pics for my assignment and i included this because i think it's special, one of the beautiful beginning in my life :D  

of LIFE TAX AND GST

it's between enjoying your coaster ride or picking all the emerald stones along the ride.
put it this way.
you're riding a roller coaster, but it's not a useless coaster like we always have now, it doesn't offer you only the excitement of riding it, but it also went into a tunnel full of emerald stone.
so, between the two that i've stated above, which will you choose?

to me,
that's life. i don't really know my decision. i don't know whether i can enjoy the coaster while picking emerald stones or anything but in order to have the ultimate of something you need to fully look into it.

remember this quote? "those who wants the crown, bears the crown"
means, whatever that you want in life, if you really want to achieve it, you need to sacrifice things and bear with everything that come a long with it.
you need to pay for the tax.
but don't worry, it's not GST. it's life tax.

i, sometimes do wonder what i wanna become.
i do find my interest in certain things nowadays. like before, i couldn't figure out what i like and what i don't but now it seems clearer to me.
but i still cannot decide what i don't like because in sem 2, physics seems interesting out of the sudden and you know i'm always hyped up when things become interesting.

i want to add spices into my sem 2 life.
i want something more than studying but i'm afraid i couldn't bear taxes that come along with it.
i just wanna give one shot and one shot only in my study.
i don't wanna slip, lose my focus and regret about it later.
i wanna achieve my dreams well even though i don't have a specific ones but i know, it's a good one because dreams are always about good things.
so i decided to reject an offer to become a committee because i'm afraid and maybe i don't know.

i set up a line.
the first thing that i will join other than studying is debate.
and then after that, i'll see whether i can juggle between things and if i can, then only i'll try other things.
for now, i don't hear anything about debate in upm since degree kids just got back from the break so i guess they haven't started any training yet.
so my other life than studying is on hiatus.

that's probably it.
i just miss being a part of committee but maybe this is the best because i don't want to miss that one shot

of current life n kesayangans

Allah has blessed me with beautiful people in my life.
I've never expected a single thing that happens right now, before.
Few months ago, i was at my worst state.
I was never a person like that, being so demotivated of myself and feeling useless.
At one point, i almost hate everybody because i feel useless in front of them.
Changing universities, it impacts me a lot. Moreover when it comes to people thoughts and views.
The moment when i received even a slightest negative opinion, i hate myself.

But alhamdulillah now,
i've realized that i've made the right choice and it's the best gift that i've received from Him.
only now i managed to see the hikmah behind everything that happens.
even though some people might still think that i've made the wrong choice all this time, chose to enter utp and spent my parents money more than 7K there, alhamdulillah, i believe in His plan, i believe that there's a specific reason why He puts me there and alhamdulillah, i'm glad that i've made that choice even though it was for temporary.

Now, i'm in upm and i've never met such wonderful classmates like this.
i've never felt so welcome and touched with people whom i just knew.
i feel like i have a family whom i feel most comfortable to be with n with them, i am me.
sometimes u r just a different person, when ur with ur family and when ur with ur friends but they make me feel so welcome that i feel no difference when i'm with them and when i'm with my family.
it is an abundance of happiness :)

now, i realized how much He loves me that He puts me in such situations for a reason.
during my time in utp,
i learnt about being independent and more about myself because i am alone before i have true friends.
i learnt the best way for me to study because apparently everybody has their own way.
i learnt to prioritize things and restrain myself from doing useless things that will affect my study.

so when i enter upm,
it's like i have been given a second chance to re-do my uni life.
and it's such a wonderful gift for me.
To be able to re-do things and correct my previous mistakes.

All in all,
i was having a great time..
everybody was so nice that i won't mind working with any of them..

knowing each of them is such a gift.
and now i realize how much He loves me

"sesungguhnya janji Allah itu tidak akan menghampakan. Dialah sebaik-baik perancang dan Dialah Yang Maha Mengetahui"

last class for sem 1

classmates

ada plak yg tmpg menyelfie

guys with madam tanteks

girls pulak

ramai2 united

Tidbits

i needed to prepare some short journals recently, it was for my english coursework and i would love to share it here since i haven't written anything for quite some times. Still working on my grammar and wording tho.. anyway, enjoy reading!

Parents

She cuddled me at that night. I was crying non-stop and she did not know why. She felt dejected. What else has she not done to comfort the crying baby? She then burst into tears and he came to comfort her. Both of them looked at the baby and in her eyes, they saw love. The tiny baby, despite the endless cry every night, brought happiness into their live. That tiny baby is their symbol of love and every dwarf-step that she takes, made them feel proud. Now, that little girl has grown up. She is full of love from her parents. She is now a happy person feeling loved every single second. Thank you, mom and dad for loving me and staying tough when I always put you down. I can never repay your love and I will always and always love both of you.

Happiest moment

          Life is a bouncy ride. The ups and downs are the essence of life. Whether we like it or not, we cannot go against the nature of life. It was made for purposes and as humans, we cannot change things that are beyond our capability but what we can do is that, we can change the way we feel about it. I realized these things 2 years ago when I joined debate. Debate has changed my view in so many ways. I began to love every tidbits of my journey. I believe that there are reasons for everything that happened and all of the reasons lead to an eternal happiness. Therefore, it is no use for us to feel sad or unhappy because we all know that nothing last forever. The sadness and pain will go away one day. I never feel so contented before. Joining debate has grown the euphoria inside me and that is my happiest moment.

Friendship

It is so beautiful, like the season when Sakura flowers fall to the earth and the wind blows each one of them. It brings every piece of me to the state of tranquility. That is how I would describe our friendship back then in 2013. We were originally from different classes but we were just meant to be together. I still remember the moment when I was transferred to Zainab’s class. It was so quiet and spooky. But then I met Zainab. She was so different from other people. She taught me about life more than anybody did. She made me realize that life is not just about scoring or obeying every single thing that they told you to do. Life is about improving things even the rules and we do not have to worry if we do the right thing. In short, my life changed and since then, I have become a calmer person because she made me found my inner happiness.

My pet

          I named him Justin because he is so handsome like Justin Timberlake.  It was my semester break at that time and I was in charge of the bunnies. I do not favor animals as much as my little sisters do but I have no choice since nobody was at home except me. Then, the female bunny gave birth to two beautiful baby bunnies. I was really excited at that time seeing those two little creatures yawning and sleeping and since that, my heart grows fonder towards them. He is a man now and I do not take care of him anymore since I am in university but every time I return home and call his name, he will run towards me and it makes me feel euphoric.

Interesting place

          Although I’m a fan of Spain football team, but still, if someone asks me the place that I have always dreamt to go, I would say I want to go to the lovely city of Italy, Venice. I first saw Venice in a movie which was acted by Johny Depp and Angelina Jolie.  Since that, I have fallen in love with the angelic city. The view from the window of your room with river flowing below it is magical. I love the eye-catching and scenic view in Venice. Hence, I really hope that one day I can witness the aesthetics of Venice with my own eyes.

Gelap dan cerah.

Awak.
Langit tu kan x selalu cerah.
Kdg2 awan jadi mendung juga.
Semuanya begitu.
Aturan hidup.
Berputar dan berubah.
Dan apabila semua kembali ke tempat asal,
Dan angin hitam menghilang,
Barulah kelihatan sinar yg sebenar.
Setia bersamamu di setiap ketika.
Gelap dan cerah.

Snow.

The first flake falls down,
Shiny, clear
and pretty
She stretches her arm forward, reaching the flake..
Soft, cold,
She giggles
More to come! She says,
Happily, she stares at the sky..
Full of hopes n glitters in her eyes..
1,2, other flakes fall down,
She open both of her hands
Hoping to catch as much flakes as she can
It is cold
She trembles
And giggles at the same time
She is alone..
In the coldness
But she is happier than ever
She enjoys screaming and giggling to her own amusement
Which others won't understand
So here she is
Isolating herself from others
Just to give herself some space
To breath and enjoy the tiny bits of life

be happy

i'm happy.
all of the sudden.
i saw something on instagram, it says "why should we feel sad when we can feel happy?"
and idk y, it sounds so legit to me
i mean.. i know that past is past but now, i finally realized that it's the reality and now, i'm all good to let things go..
i do, sometimes feel sad when i remember the blasts that i had back then
and somehow it makes me realize that one day, upm is going to be my past too..
so i wanna fill in the times that i still have and make the most out of it so that when i graduate, i really really have fun and beautiful memories to look at..

i also realize that i should wake up from my sleep..
i should go, venture things and mix with people..
just get to know my new friends and have fun with them..
it's not a bad thing to get to know new people..
probably i'm just paranoid
but don't worry, i'm looking forward to it :D

in short, i think i should find myself again
because i wanna be happy like i used to be
and let things go
i wanna live a new life as a new person :)

I've lost the momentum n beat in my life

night.

in the middle of the night.
i just wanna talk to you.
i don't know why.
but i like it.
talking to you.
you are very weird but honest and straightforward.
you are different and i like your thoughts on everything.
i like asking your help.
i like talking to you when everybody has fallen asleep.
i like knowing that you are wise and knowledgeable.
but you are cranky sometimes.
it's annoying and i'll count your crankiness to return it back when we talk again.
but you are also sensitive.
not that sensitive of being hurt or stuffs.
you are sensitive about what others feel.
you care about people.
you worry about them.
that's why i like talking to you.
despite the crankiness part, when you are warm, you are really warm.
and that's very calming.

countless

it's been a while.
people around me are getting busy.
everybody has went to uni and i'm counting my days.
nevertheless, i don't really wanna go.
i want my 17 precious time back.
if only i can freeze it.
i want my friends all around me, laughing, crying, pranking, pulling each others' tudung.
i want that.
i wanna see farhah's hype climbing the mango tree at our school.
i wanna see enab rolls her eyes every time we quarrel.
i wanna see aya being cool and i wanna scratch tissues when i'm bored and put it in aya's pencil case until aya screams.
i want that.
i wanna see nili's 5 minutes non-stop laugh until she cries.
i wanna see dina being a mom when i quarrel with enab.
all that. i want it back.
i hate the fact that they've gone.
way too far.
i hate that we're living different lives.
and we cannot go like hey, i hate this school too.
meh.

joy

what's the joy in life.
it's monotonous.
it's flat.
it's ugly.
it's boring.
it's torturing.
it's hurting.
it's traumatizing.
it's haunting.
i died at the end of the story.

reality

a lil bit by bit.
i wanna find it.
i wanna run from it.
it scares me.
the reality

may i finally find the real peace

i'm feeling relieved..
for days i've been wondering..
how vast and complicated the world is..
as much as i know that i can make it easy,
i also know that this one small step can trouble me in the future..

i am confused to choose..
at one moment i already wholeheartedly believe that i belong to uia..
but chatting with my girls from utp,
it brings back the memories..
how hard it is, at first struggling and coping with university life..
n then i met the girls who cheer up every single second of my life..
the bittersweet memories are so priceless..
thinking about it,
i feel reluctant to let it go..

but then i've prayed..
and comparing between utp n uia,
i found more advantages in utp..
but my heart feels that i belong to uia..
it's not again bcus of debate or anything..
i haven't found any concrete reason why i should leave utp n go to uia,
but my heart..
it's like an answer to my prayer..
i feel like i just belong there i dunno why..
and i, since haven't found the reason why i should leave utp,
discussed with my parents..
and much to my surprise,
my parents told me to follow what my heart says..
the answer to my istikharah..
they asked me to follow what Allah shows me..
and i told them about the job prospect n stuffs,
how utp is more beneficial than uia from my point of view and how i'm very confused why my heart is more inclined to uia..
it's not like my heart nk masuk uia..
it feels like something's calling me..
like hey, u belong here n ur now closer to a place that will give you peace and happiness..
it feels like that.
and my parents dgn sgt tenang told me..
xpelah sayang, rezeki along insyaAllah byk..
ikutla ptunjuk istikharah tu..
eventho it seems like if i msuk uia, my job prospect mcm x byk sgt n stuffs,
but my parents told me that Allah knows best and as His slaves, kita brserah je to His decision n go with the flow..
sgt tenang i tell you..
how my parents told me that..
and i was like x sng dduk and keep saying tapi utp is this this..
but idk y my heart mcm ni..
n i told them the wonders that i've experienced in utp..
but they told me to follow what my istikharah said..
and i know that in my life,
there are many things that i felt reluctant to choose,
but since it's what my istikharah/my parents' istikharah answers,
i followed it,
and it turns out to be way better than i expected..
because like i say,
Allah knows best..

and i just couldn't describe how peaceful i feel about uia..
it's like thinking about it just give me a sort of peacefulness..

so i'm considering one more day to do my istikharah once again..
cuz i really want to make sure about this..
then i'll make up my mind..
insyaAllah..

Lari

Probably aq nk lari dri dia jelah kan..
Apelah hidup ni
Asyik main lari2 jelah kan

the uns

because why.
because how.
because what.
because when.
because where.

i'm not teaching you to write essays.
i'm not teaching you the principles or what so ever.
i'm just wondering.
leave me cuz it's unnecessary.
it's just me again.
idk y idk how.
we're very the unexplainable.
i miss you.
i miss you too.
at the same time i do think of you.
how is this people.
what the even's happening i don't even know.
i just feel so undefinable.
the weirds and weirds keep happening.
and of course things get weirder.

because each has own purpose so each won't be left out

sick

i'm sick now and it almost 5 to 6 days i think..
and i cannot help myself from whining and sighing..
i miss my healthy body..
it makes me feel energetic, happy and optimistic..
but when i'm sick, it feels suck..
cuz i cannot breath properly,
i cannot eat like i used to,
i cannot have a good sleep,
my head aches because i'm lacking of oxygen..
it's too much.

but people always reminded me that sickness is kaffarah..
(kaffarah means a repayment for your sins..)
n the purpose of kaffarah is to wash your sins away...
which is a good thing..
being sick is a good thing because let's admit it,
we have committed tons of sins and there's no way we can pay for it unless He wants us to..
that's why He makes us sick in the first place..
because He loves us and before the Judgement Day comes,
He wants us to be all clean so we can enter Jannah..

there is one term i can't remember it right now, that we learn in AlQuran n AsSunnah which means that there are certain people who Allah gives them easiness and comfort to add their 'kesesatan'.. *can't find the right term sorry*
a simple example will be the Pharaoh.. Allah gives him immortality and he never fell sick during his lifetime simply because Allah wants to add his *kesesatan* since he is too arrogant to Allah.. Therefore Allah let him be among the lost people..

to relate back to the sickness,
if you fall sick or have difficulties then that's actually a GOOD thing because Allah wants to remind you, He wants you to get back to the right path and you should be REALLY REALLY grateful for it..

oh kay.
now onto my second point.
since sickness is kaffarah right..
so i kinda imagine it as an after-effect..
imagine, if you live in mud and dirt everyday,
you will eventually get sick isn't it?
same goes to this,
when you fall sick,
have you ever wondered how much you have sinned that you become as sick as this?
the sins are like the dirt..
you've sinned too much that's why you fall sick..
and when you recovered probably because the sins have been cleaned, like the dirt.. if you cleaned the dirt and kill all the bacteria then only you will be healthy again..
what a metaphor right?

so that's it for tonight.. i can't wait to get healthy again cuz i only have some days left before going back to utp and i REALLY REALLY want to spend my time happily with my family and being sick just makes me feel tired and weary to join them in their activities..
so i hope i'll recover soon..
assalamualaikum

breathless

Usually the nights will pass easily n quickly, but not last night..
It was different..
I cannot sleep even though my body felt so tired n my head ached..
I dunno why..
The flashbacks kept coming..
Haunting me with the fear of losing..
I was trying to tell myself that it was not an important matter,
But nothing changed..
My headache worsened, n then only i managed to tell my mind to stop..
But the after-effect was still painful...
I dunno how i managed to sleep last night but it was not a good sleep..
I felt troubled..
N waking up this morning, i feel so full with everything..
I feel breathless.

"People say we can control everything about ourselves, but i don't think it's true. My mood, my feelings, my emotions.. they change like an unexpected weather.. i wish i can alter it somehow"

if only we realize

tonight was such a touching night..
usually after our maghrib prayer, abah will either give us tazkirah or ask us to recite the Qur'an..
n tonight is the tazkirah night..
so usually i am a person who 'outspace' a lot..
i often get distracted and when i realize it, abah has already talk for several minutes n tht's the only moment i realize tht he's talking..
sometimes i can catch up with the tazkirah n sometimes i don't get it because it's half through already..
but tonight, same thing goes on and when i realize it,
abah is talking about blessings that we have..
specifically, our hearing sense..
it sounds very middle-school science right?
but listen first,

did u ever wonder what would you do or who would you be without these abilities?
i don't.. never before.. and because of that, i don't realize how great things are to me because of my perfect abilities..
my father caught my attention when he said:

"have u ever seen disabled people getting married with normal people? it's rare right? disabled people are for disabled people and normal people are for normal people because only then they will be able to understand each other and cope with life together"

that somehow stunted me..
i feel like, man.. i was born this way, no disabilities *physically* and i never realize how much all these abilities mean to me..
at that time i feel very grateful that Allah has made me this way..
and abah also told us that with our hearing ability,
we are able to listen to good things, understand knowledge, learn it and apply in our life..
that also stunted me..
i can listen well,
but what do i listen to all this time?
songs, gossips those crappy stuffs..
i mean it's not that we or i cannot listen to songs..
it's just that we should have limit to it and somehow there are better things that we can do with this ability..
so that's practically what i'm trying to say...

each of us was created with something..
to be used for the benefit of all..
even if ur handicapped, there must be something that you have..
everybody and each of us has it..at least one thing that ables us to contribute back to the ummah.. because He created us that way..
the thing is that,
what you have may not be what the others have..
so be grateful for it and use it wisely..

so i think that's it..
syakirah and my mom also share some interesting stories after the tazkirah but i'll keep it cuz idk haha..
nevertheless i hope this, at least inspires you to be a better person in life as much as it is to me..
that's all for today :D

TurnOver

Dear diary..
It's been quite some times since ive travelled n ventured into a different world..
N to me,
There r only little amusements in those worlds n a lot of confusions..
Those amusements r too little to satisfy me..
I guess now it's time to get back to the old path..
I wanna get back to my nature (fitrah),
I wanna believe n surrender..
I wanna feel safe n secure..
I wanna feel calm n blessed..

I believe that's the only way to make me feel happy n satisfied..
InsyaAllah

"Ssungguhnya hati2 itu (hati2 org yg beriman) hanya akan tenang dgn mengingati Allah"

Notes

Dont take my thoughts n entries seriously cuz my thoughts n i change most of the times. Sometimes because of moodswing or because i'm impersonating the other person to feel what they feel.. that's y sometimes it's not really what i feel but my emotions are affected when i imagine myself to be in their place :)

I enjoy that.
Putting myself in ones place n let my imaginations flow. It could hurt too sometimes but i like humans :D

They said chase ur dreams but i

I have a failed dream.
Washed by the sea.
Crushed by the ocean.
It was gone.
Nothing was like i've ever imagined.
I guess it's because the world is worsening.
N we're lacking of choice.

We r stucked at the narrow road.
Only able to follow the flow.
N getting out and flying aren't really a choice.

I probably have deceived myself.
The choice i made wasn't really my choice.
It hurts to think about it.
But to go against them is the last thing i wanna do.

To the parents we shall lower our heart,
As they've done everything n rarely do they ask for something.
So what else can i give to them rather than fulfilling it?
Besides, i believe that they know best

settling down

hi, it's been a while since i haven't updated you on my current issue,
even though it doesn't seem necessary, but still, posting an entry on your life is like plotting your life sequence..
only when it comes to an end, you can see the beautiful patterns of ups and downs, trials and errors and the most exciting part would be to look at the beautiful days you've had for your entire life :)

the thing is that,
it's been quite a while since i've became interested to be honest and let it all outs in my blog..
i don't have the guts for most of the time..
but today,
when i finally settled down and admitted that i am flawed in every single way and that's just a normal thing for human, cuz we all are created flawed, i feel better in sorts of way.

everybody has imperfections but the difference is on how they, each of them, deal and live with it..
sometimes i hate my flaws..
i wanna be perfect tbh..
but what's perfect tho?
ones may say this and this are perfect,
others may say that and that are perfect,
until when and when,
you can never satisfy people..
and actually people don't need to be satisfied..
they are just solely observing on how you deal with your life..
nothing as such such that you need to be this this..
i probably think too much.

oh well,
that's basically what i learnt and realized now..
and i wanna keep my life more natural and lively from day to day..
i'm working on it though..
it's not easy to take a small step for a big change..
but it's surely will be worth it..

one of the thing that pushes me to realize this is probably debate,
when i went to training that day and mugabe was provoking *he's just playing around*
my attitude just happened to be who i really am..
i like being, in that case, cocky and defensive..
it feels like a full satisfaction when you become yourself no matter what..
and when it happened,
nothing should be regretted..

and also my conversations with hasni, nina and fik yesterday..
makes me think a lot..
makes me wonder all this time, what i've been doing..
it was a fun conversation and i really appreciated it..

so thanks guys for helping me finding myself again..
although i might still not change much,
still not being that talkative or whatever,
i will try..
and that is because, you helped me..
thanks friends..

♥each and every single one of you has taught me something valuable on life.. and i thank you guys for that ♥

.....

Sometimes i wonder whether i

sepetang di utp

tajuk mcm mmg x blh kait lg kan?
so, pejam celik pejam celik, x sangka dh dkt 3 bulan jugaklah aq menghuni kt utp ni,
which means aq, for the first time dduk jauh2 dri family..
dlu mse form 1, aq trasa mcm dh besar la kan,
nk duduk asrama..
kwn2 smua pakat duduk asrama,
aq sorg je ddk rumah..
tp mak aq kata, yang, selagi blh dduk rmah 17 thn ni, dudukla rumah..
nnt dh msuk universiti smua dh ssh nk blk rmah..
n aq pn obey jela wlupun rasa mcm tringin sgt nk msuk asrama..

alrite tu form 1 pnye cerita..
naik form 5, aq dh fhm..
ddk rmah tu sbnrny bnda plg nikmat dlm dunia..
luxury, mknn sedap, katil sedap, ad tv ad wifi laju..
so ble form 5, klu aq mcm x smgt je nk blaja, mak aq plak ckp,
kalau masuk asrama mgkin along smgt skit kut nk study.. dgn kwn2.. nak msuk asrama k?
p/s: my umi brcakap dgn nada yg lembut cuz umi aq mmg lemah lembut :D
n aq plak yg mcm...
emmm xpela mi.. ddk rumah je.. selesa.. dduk asrama tkut stress.. #AlasanSemataMata

and then aq pn habes spm, graduate from maahad then trlebih excited plak mengisi borang2 kt internet..
tnpa disangka-sangkanya, aq dptla plak offer nk msuk utp..
kwn2 pn rmai yg dpt tp most of them tolak kerana reasons yg pelbagai..
aq ni plak dlm dilemanya nak masuk ke taknak,
aq serahkan keputusan kat parents aq..
tp smbil tu aq interview jugak org2 lain..
saje nk tmbh knowledge..
pstu dlm 2-3 hari lg nk kna konfemkan keputusan aq nk accept ke tak,
mak aq ckp,
dia dh istikharah, n dia rasa aq kena pergi..
sebab, aq x biasa dduk asrama, x biasa susah2..
mak aq kata, at least cuti ni x buat pape, biarlah aq belajar campus life..
klu terus msuk je lps result nnt takut aq xleh carry..
mak aq kata, biar msuk utp ni mcm trainingla.. belajar mandiri..
eceh.
mse mak aq ckp tu, aq rse mcm.. umi ni x syg along ke.. sbb aq tgok mak aq cool je..
selalunya bab2 nk berjauhan ni mak aq mmg x bg..
hatta kem pun jarang gile mak aq nk bg pergi..

last2 dh sehari kut sblum aq pergi tu,
aq suarakan jgakla isi hati aq,
aq bgtau mak aq.. "umi.. along tgok umi mcm x kisah je along nk pergi ni.. umi x sayang along ke?"
then brula mak aq confess,
berat jugak dia nk bg aq pergi, tp dia xnak aq risau.. so dia cool je..
mse tu aq trharu+sedih+ feeling2 lain yg brkaitan..
tp aq mcm dh x leh wat pape sbb esknya dh nk pergi..
so aq diam je..

pstu mak aq ckp.. try dulu sayang.. nnt kalau x ok, nnt kluarlah..
aq pn ok je..
then mula2 masuk..

memang.
aq ni dgn xpernah basuh baju pkai tangan nye..
jarang gosok tudungnya..
hmm..
smua nk kna blaja..
bibik aq pn dh pesan awal2 sblum prgi..
dia ajar aq gosok tudung sbb slalunya dia yg gosokkan..
tp aq bknnya x reti gosok.. cuma dh lama x gosok.. tu yg mcm pshhh skit tu..
then, basuh baju la plg x reti..
pstu mse baru masuk jatla tlg ajar smua en..
n aq pn blaja la slow2..

pstu skrg alhamdulillah.. agak pro lah bab2 basuh baju ni..
bab2 gosok pn xde problem sgt dh..

then aq rasa mcm btulla mak aq ckp tu..
alhamdulillah aq msuk awal ni aq blh blaja,
blh try adapt dgn campus life..
sbb, klu lps ni dpt result ke ap,
aq nk kluar pegi mne2 insyaAllah blh adapt sbb aq dh biasa dduk u,
dh prnah jauh dri family..
xdela homesick sgt en..

and nak cerita alang2 dh msuk psl u ni..
dlm duk jauh2 dri family ni en..
kdg2 aq homesick la gak..
frust ke stress ke..
nama pn dduk u kan..
tp memikirkan yg dorg tu jauh,
klu aq cite pn depa xleh tlg malah menambahkan lg beban depa nk risau psl aq..
so either way pn aq kna face jgak bnda2 tu smua..

n aq rse so far ni aq survive dduk u pn sbb mentaliti tu..
ble pke yg one way or another pun aq kena face problem tu,
xleh lari, x leh nk mnx tlg ngn family mcm dlu,
jd papehal pun..
ble stress then nanges ke ap en,
nnt last2 aq akn rse mcm hmm dhla nangesnya, x selesai pn masalah,
time to get back to the real life..
then fokus blk nk selesaikan masalah tu..

klu dlu aq mgkin byk cara utk escape problem,
tp skrg x dh..
slow2 blaja brdikari skit2..

kadang2 aq rindu gak nk gedik2 ke cengeng ke en..
demand itu ini ngn org..
tp aq sedarla.. dh besar, xleh stay dgn perangai lme..
nnt x leh survive hidup ni..
kalau dlu aq mmg.
demand pape pn..
xleh tu xleh ni..
org2 sekeliling aq pn layan je..
depa smua baik2..
aq rse bahagia gila hidup dipenuhi kasih sayang.. kui kui
tp skrg ni aq dh blaja la x mnyusahkan org..
mse aq bru msuk u pn adik aq pesan..
u need to grow up, dh besar, org lain ad hal masing2, blaja jgn susahkan org..
n mse aq dgr tu sentapla sket en..
yela adik mmg lg matured dri kakak..
tp ble pke2.. betul ap yg dia cakap..
then aq pn seboleh-bolehnya mengelakkan diri dri menyusahkan org..
kdg2 aq jln sorg2 ke ape en,
bkn sbb aq xde kwn ke ap,
tp aq xnak menyusahkan dorg, nk sruh dorg tggu aq ke ap..
sbb aq ni mmg pape slalu slow..
so aq rse better la aq pegi je sorg2..
lambat pn x mnyusahkan org..
ha.. cmtulah..

n alhamdulillah skrg ni aq rse mcm dh stable skit n blh adapt la skit2 dgn my new life..
then aq pn x sgka,
Allah tu Maha Mengasihani,
Dia x biar aq sorg2 lps jat pegi..
aq jmpe kwn2 baru..
7 org plak tu..
yg masing2 unique n special in their own way..
then ad ajean yg slalu tlg mcm2..
aq rse bersyukur sgt..
oyeah not to forget,
group english drama aq yg class..
smgt je training meeting smua..
so far so good la kiranya..alhamdulillah...

btw smpi sini dlu kut post kli ni, aq pun dh rse berdebar gila nk amik result.. pls doakan yg trbaik utk smua spm candidates 2013, n pape pun kwn2 aq nk stay kt utp.. so aq pn mgkin stay mgkin kluar.. idk yet.. doakan jugak aq dpt buat kputusan yg trbaik :)

sharing is caring - spread the love~

bismillah..
smlm smart group en, kitorg bncg psl hadis ni,

Diriwayatkan dari Amir al-Mukminin (pemimpin kaum beriman) Abu Hafsh Umar bin al-Khattab radhiyallahu’anhu beliau mengatakan : Aku mendengar Rasulullahshallallahu ‘alaihi wa sallam bersabda, “Sesungguhnya setiap amalan harus disertai dengan niat. Setiap orang hanya akan mendapatkan balasan tergantung pada niatnya. Barangsiapa yang hijrah karena cinta kepada Allah dan Rasul-Nya maka hijrahnya akan sampai kepada Allah dan Rasul-Nya. Barangsiapa yang hijrahnya karena menginginkan perkara dunia atau karena wanita yang ingin dinikahinya, maka hijrahnya (hanya) mendapatkan apa yang dia inginkan.”

aq yakin mostly kita mmg familiar sgt dgn hadis ni, tp sejauh mne kita mghayati mesej yg dibawa oleh hadis ni? tepuk dada tanya iman 

but anyway, sekadar nk berkongsi apa yg aq dpt dri hadis ni,

1st of all, kita akan dibalas ganjaran seperti mana yg kita niatkan..
contohnya, dlm hadis ni sendiri.. hadis ni diturunkan masa peristiwa rasulullah berhijrah ke madinah.. dalam ramai2 orang yang nak berhijrah tu, ada seorang pemuda ni, dia nak kahwin dgn perempuan ni tapi, perempuan tu nk ikut rombongan rasulullah yang berhijrah ke madinah.. so, disebabkan si pemuda ni nk kahwin dgn perempuan ni, dia pun ikutla rombongan tu.. sampai di madinah, dia dapat kahwin dgn perempuan tu.. tapi, disebabkan niat dia berhijrah tu bukan kerana Allah, jadi apa yg dia dpt hanyalah yg dia niatkan.. dia dpt kahwin dgn perempuan tu tapi dia x dpt pahala berhijrah kerana Allah..

so conclusionnya, apa2 yang kita buat, amalan kita tu akan dinilai mengikut niat kita..
kalau kita niat kerana Allah, kita akan dapat ganjaran drpd Allah..
n btw bila kita buat apa2 n kita niat kerana Allah, insyaAllah segala kerja yg susah tu terasa ringan je, sebab, kita rasa seronok buat benda tu untuk mendapat keredhaan Allah bukan untuk satisfy kan manusia/ dapat harta, jawatan, pangkat dan sebagainya

2nd, kita jgn judge orang..
sbb. kita xkan tahu niat seseorg tu buat something..
urusan niat itu hanya antara si fulan dgn Allah..
even malaikat pn, dorg catit je ap yg kita buat di setiap detik dan saat tanpa tahu pn apa niat yg trlintas kat hati kita masa buat bnda tu..
because again, niat itu urusan Allah..
setiap amalan yg kita buat tu, sejauh mana tahap keikhlasannya, sebanyak mana pahala yg kita akan dpt, itu semua urusan Allah..
jadi kalau kita nampak orang tu buat baik, jangan terus judge dia ni nak menunjuk2 or fake ke..
sebab, niat dia xde sape tahu..
sapelah kita utk judge manusia lain kan..
biarlah apa yg dia buat tu, amalan dia dinilai oleh Allah Yang Maha Adil..

3rd, niat x menghalalkan cara..
walaupun topik ni macam x berkaitan dengan hadis kat atas,
tapi bila sebut pasal niat ni aq tiba2 teringat pasal benda ni..
kadang2 kita terbiasa nak buat something tu, kita ikut niat kita tanpa fikir pn whether benda tu seiring x dgn syariat..
sedangkan, sebaik mana pun niat kita tu, kalau x kena dgn syariat islam, tetap akan salah..
contohnya, plg simple la.. kita nak tlg org miskin, tapi kita xde harta nk bagi, jadi kita pn mencuri utk tlg org miskin tu..
niat kita baik, nak tlg orang yg miskin..
tapi cara kita tu salah.. kita dah menganiaya org lain n di masa yg sama kita bagi benda yg haram pulak dkt org yg miskin td untuk diguna dan sebagainya..

jadi, sebelum buat apa2, kita kena tajdid niat and fikir dulu, jgn main terus buat je.. apelah guna manusia yg dikurniakan akal kalau bukan utk berfikir.. kan? 

so itu ringkasnya ap yg aq dpt simpulkan from hadis smlm.. byk lagi kupasan dia sbnrnya.. apa2 pun mohon betulkan kalau ad apa2 yg trsalah..

thx to: akk Nurul Afiqah Noorrezhan Aisyah Fakeh Maya Najwa MardhatiNadzirah Khairuddin hazirah, kak leya n room mate kak afiqah utk perbincangan yg menrik smlm..

wallahu a'lam 

exactly.

why

i wanna ask u straight away..

y?

y did u choose to leave?

did u know that even if it's just a normal morning conversation,

it means something,

it changes my day..

i dunno how to spill and say this before..

cuz it feels pathetic

and i feel that i've became weaker day by day seeing u being there but distancing urself away.

it poisoned me.

our conversations,

eventho it seems useless but it is somehow meaningful.

knowing that there's gonna be an advice for me every morning is a thing that i cherish a lot.

somehow.

u just left.

u chose to.

idk y.

idk how.

idk wht i 've done.

but u choose to leave.

i think the key is to not look at people

eden - the other way round

sometimes,
u've reached to a point,
when u don't know where to look at,
or to whom ur going to hold on to,
it's like u've lost all the reasons that u used to believe in..

i'm adapting to changes,
and to people..
and it's tough..
and i feel like quitting..

but even though i don't have anywhere to look at,
or someone that i can hold on to,
or probably a friend to share my green and gray day..
i still need to try..
because out there,
there are people who believe in me..
there are people who want to know that i'm all right..
and i cannot disappoint them..
their sadness is my grief too..
because i love them that much..

i think,
at this level,
it's okay to break down,
it's okay to let the tears out,
it's okay to be all unhappy and sad..
because i've already hit the breaking point and i supposed to break..
but let it just be a pause,
where i become all messed up but in the end things will be okay..
let it be that way..
because i just cannot expect more from life

whatev

so, it's been almost 2 months as i ventured into the university life..
and, idk..
i miss blogging that badly but it just that i cannot and i don't know what to write..
there are too many things happened that when i wanted to write it out,
it feels like as if i'm speechless when i wanna talk..
cuz there's too many things..
and yep, probably because now i'm used to staying alone and not talking to people that much like i used to do..
i never thought about it until ajean told me that if we stay alone, our communication skills will probably deteriorate..
and that scares me, out of all this thing is this world, why. my. communication. skills.
i will spend my life as a loner and feel frustrated, depressed all by myself if i don't have a good communication skills..
and i never want it to happen..
i always, always if i have a bad time, talk to someone,
or my friends or my sis..
i just need to talk and everything feels fine..
also when i'm happy or overexcited, i will talk to someone..
like i love being expressive and let others know what i feel..
i mean share everything..
but now, since like it's a new environment,
and i'm staying alone..
i cannot like suddenly change the weather..
or,
i do tell someone but they won't understand it as much as my friends do..
they'll be like oh.. yeah.. and idk responses that hmm..

to be honest,
i miss my girls badly..
and i do call some of them daily when i walk to my class,
but there're so many things and when i'm walking, i cannot tell them about private matters/gossiping and it's just not fun..
cuz i prefer calling them in my room and chat all day long but maxis is just being maxis and the coverage is bad..
so yeah..

byk benda kena pendam..
and sometimes i just wish that there will be at least one of them here with me,
so i can walk, eat and share stories with them all day long..
it will be totally fun..

hmmm

tp ape pun, ade hikmah gak aq sorg2...
i get to know new people..
well to be exact, awesome people..
the pantai timur girls..
they are really funny, and baik sgt..
i was touched..
x sgka akn jmpe kwn2 mcm ni..
happening je depa smua...
sgt helpful and positive thinking..

oh n btw, bdk2 plkn nk blk dh..
aq x saba gle nk jmpe dorg..
everybody's like, i have a LOADS of storiessss
and i'm like me toooooooooooooooo
and td ckp ngn fizah pn she's like, kau msti pendam sorg2 kan skrg..
aq xyah ckp pn dorg dh fhm.. ni lah besties..
tp pape pun,
i'm looking forward for our meet up!
giler rindu kut dgn kwn2 skolah..
hmm life would change like forever for all of us..
so i just wanna cease a moment just for our last memory together...

p/s: i feel boring writing this post cuz i'm just not as expressive as before but yeah

ntahlah..

n friends

"usually, when people leave, you are left with nothing"

i still remember the very first moment of our times before we are officially enrolled as UTP's students..

i still remember that time when i almost give up from going to the interview just because i cannot find a homestay..

and at that time, jat was encouraging me to go n she also offered me to stay at her homestay if i can't find one..

and jat was staying with all her siblings and parents which makes a total of 6 people and she still offered me to stay with her..

at that time, i was really touched..

i felt like Allah is too kind to send me this great people along my journey..

and alhamdulillah i've managed to get a homestay that night..

and that morning, i woke up very early for the interview..

i was the 6th or 7th person queuing up for the interview.. 

hah i only come early for the first day of everything in my life lol..

then we, the hamidians sat together, most of us..

and i sat besides jat n hanna n we listen to the speech n etc..

and i still remember how nervous nyem was..

she was texting aina eventho they sat nearby cuz she's too nervous to speak XD

i was nervous too.. but at that time something distracted me and i just couldn't feel nervous since i have something else on my mind..

then we went to interview together and to make it short,

most of us have made it..

we received an offer letter from utp and i still remember how excited i was that night calling jat and asked her to straight away check her application status and OMG!

we get the same course!!!

life just couldn't be better, i thought :)

and from all of us who received the offer,

only 4 of us accepted the offer..

me, anyem, ajean n jat..

n to make things again, better,

jat n i r room mates!!!

everything was easy from the beginning..

the way Allah has planned it for me..

and day by day we spent our time together,

sometimes we laughed and joked..

sometimes we argued..

but at the end of the day,

we are still best friends :)

and i never expected that this day will come..

jat has decided that she's going to pursue her study in science department..

and aem got an offer letter from KYS n she's going too..

so at the same time,

2 people, my best friends r going..

and i couldn't say more..

deep inside..

i feel terribly sad and lonely..

but i believe in Allah..

i believe that He has a better plan for each of us..

and i believe that He has planned something better for jat..

as a servant,

i couldn't say more than being grateful that at the end of the day,

whatever happens,

it's the best thing that He planned for us..

"John Lennon said : everything will be okay, if it's not okay, it's not the end"

so that's that..

sooner or later..

things might be a lil bit different..

but eventually it will come to a good ending :)

and to aem,

i'll miss ur coolness..

and ur reaction and determination when it comes to cepi..

hahaha..

and i still remember that day when we went to pasar malam for the first time in utp..

and the bus left us..

i was really lucky to have u with me or else i guess i'll be fainting or crying or even dying because of anxiety..

i just worried too much sometimes lol..

and aem is always like,

smua yg jd tu ada hikmah dia..

and we met ur uncle tgh jln..

what an unexpected incident..

and the memory of us staying late at night during mas..

what a life

:)

and to jat..

i can't say more..

thanks for being patient with me through all this time..

thanks for coping with my imperfections..

thanks for understanding my emotionally-dragged personality..

you, somehow have changed the way i look at things..

you, have made me realized about my false attitude towards people..

the way you care and try to understand people is amazing..

i never thought that somebody like you actually exist..

to be honest..

and when i knew it,

i just wanted to be like you..

caring and understanding..

and looking back at the pictures during mas..

god, i have a lot of our pictures together and it's soo memorable..

i still remember during the gimic,

when we r chatting at the back..

feeling shocked when that kid rebels to the facees and stuffs..

and lol.

it was a gimic..

what a funny time isn't it?

and during tht time, we're walking together at night back from the class and there was nobody cuz we used the longer road when there's actually a shorter one *that we didn't know at that time*

and we saw this foreigner besides the road and i was like..

weyy dia buat ap tu?? weyyyy jalan laju2....

and actually he was taking picture of the scenery or something lol..

hahah..

what a memorable thing to be reminisced.

sometimes,

i thought parting with people is a bad thing..

i thought that when somebody leaves,

he/she will leave me with nothing..

but u guys proved me that i was wrong..

even though you guys are leaving,

you guys have left me with something nice to remember about..

you guys have given me beautiful memories to look at for my first chapter of university's life..

thanks for everything..

i wish the best for you guys..

and be happy with whatever you guys will do in future..

enjoy each moment in life..

and most importantly,

don't forget to seek for a friend like me so that i don't have to worry much if i'm not there with you guys.. 

heheh..

a run

i never feel her pains this close, ever since last year.
now it feels so near, i can feel it bleeds.
i can feel the pain again and again.
emotionally.
my heart feels painful.

and when it's too much.
all i can do is only,
escaping.
and praying.

anyway

i realized tht when im at uni..
im far from my family n friends..
and even when i hve problems..
i don't express it like before..
i don't cry, scream or hug my friends..
i don't talk to my mom..
cuz the thing is,
im far from them n even if i tell them, they cant do anything n also i dont want them to worry much
besides every problem has a solution..
and when the road seems too dark for me to walk,
ill sit down and rest for a while until something lights up or i just walk blindly..
because that just feels like the right thing to do..
being sad, angry or depressed,
all those negative stuffs,
are definitely normal..
and i admit that i used to cry and cry and cry a lot when i dunno what to do..
but now,
even crying seems pointless..
being blank and stupid seems so much better..

sometimes a long shower would help..
relieving and calming my emotions..
idk..
now its more abt being on ur own..
everything..
even when it seems like i couldnt do it..
either way, i just have to and should find a way...

so thats basically a lil bit of what ive discovered about myself now..
i think ive changed a bit..
when it comes to conflict n crisis lol..
but i know this is just the tip of the iceberg..
anyway, im still finding a way to be more emotionally stable..
as ive always been so sensitive to things..

priceless

when it comes to life,

it comes to my realization tht i blog quite often recently..
thus. it bids me to a question..
are u that 'free' as a uni student?
and my answer is..
nope..
i wish i have more time cuz i have a lot to tell..
everyday i learn a new thing,
everyday i have a new thought,
but i just don't have the time to blog about it becuz usually,
when there's even some times,
i'll choose to let my body n mind to have some rest..

but currently i've been blogging becuz my thoughts just flooded in..
and it's too much that i need to put it somewhere so that it won't spill..
and yes,
i steal the time..
to blog this..
hesitantly maybe.. but anyway feeling necessary..

so basically this is just my thought on my sis's thought..
to be honest,
i think,
we share the same idea just with a different needs n necessities..
??!?? *ignore my thoughts if it's confusing*
to me,
being optimistic/ dreaming on a happily ever after ending,
makes ur world vast..
it removes the limit that ur mind has set up for u..
an example,
if u keep walking on reality and follow what the reality has set for you,
you won't go anywhere..
you won't even beat the reality..
you will end up believing that ur capability is limited and u cannot do much..

while on the other hand,
hoping/dreaming makes u aim for higher achievement in life..
and for certain reasons,
it makes life feels more pleasant and livable..
and as for me,
i like to dream a lot..
even if it seems impossible,
i keep doing it because it brings comforts and reliefs to my life and makes me feel better..
because of dreaming,
i have something nice to look up to,
and i'll be able to motivate myself to hang on for a while when things came up..

i believe in the power of imagination n thoughts..
which when u welcome it,
it will become the most powerful thing ever in ur life..
it's like a shield that protects u from ppl thoughts and criticism,
and to a certain level, you will be very powerful that u cn control ur life well..
as for now,
i always believe that people have no right to intrude my life n thoughts,
even when they criticize,
it won't hurt me a bit as long as i believe in myself..
cuz, to me,
it's not worth it to get hurt by people and have my own life troubled while they won't even get affected..
so,
since now that i've learnt all this,
i realize how important 'u' r to urself..
therefore,
u should defend urself in any way...
protect it..

and again..
as for me,
me n myself are two different things..
me are the one who take actions now and myself are me all the time..
so, whatever it is,
i'll love myself all the way..
even when people criticize,
i know that i should appreciate myself for being this strong all the way..
if it's not the because of myself,
i won't be who i am now..

so thanks to myself that i manage to discover the beauties of life..
and to those out there,
never degrade urself..
remember how hard the real u have gone through life so far,
so don't degrade it..
but embrace it..
each of us are different,
and nobody says that different is not good..
stop looking at others..
look at u..
u hve been created beautifully, by Allah The Almighty..
He has created the best of you..
so cherish it..
if u have negative thoughts about urself,
put it aside,
focus on more positive things,
as it shall lead u to better things..

that's all i think for tonight..
xoxo :)

my oath

i love my mom with all my heart and even if she gets old, i would remember all of this..
whatever happens, as long as i'm still alive and capable, i'll make sure ur in my good care mom..
that's my oath for u insyaAllah :)

notes: i found this on facebook and i thought about sharing it..

My dear girl, the day you see I'm getting old, I ask you to please be patient, but most of all, try to understand what I'm going through. If when we talk, I repeat the same thing a thousand times, don't interrupt to say: "You said the same thing a minute ago"... Just listen, please. Try to remember the times when you were little and I would read the same story night after night until you would fall asleep.

When I don't want to take a bath, don't be mad and don't embarrass me. Remember when I had to run after you making excuses and trying to get you to take a shower when you were just a girl?

When you see how ignorant I am when it comes to new technology, give me the time to learn and don't look at me that way ... remember, honey, I patiently taught you how to do many things like eating appropriately, getting dressed, combing your hair and dealing with life's issues every day... the day you see I'm getting old, I ask you to please be patient, but most of all, try to understand what I'm going through.

If I occasionally lose track of what we're talking about, give me the time to remember, and if I can't, don't be nervous, impatient or arrogant. Just know in your heart that the most important thing for me is to be with you.

And when my old, tired legs don't let me move as quickly as before, give me your hand the same way that I offered mine to you when you first walked. When those days come, don't feel sad... just be with me, and understand me while I get to the end of my life with love. I'll cherish and thank you for the gift of time and joy we shared. With a big smile and the huge love I've always had for you, I just want to say, I love you ... my darling daughter.

Original text in Spanish and photo by Guillermo Peña.
Translation to English by Sergio Cadena

about life and feelings

my mom told me,
when i was a child, my parents were studying in universities..
therefore they couldn't take care of me 24/7..
so they decided to send me to a nursery..
and mom said,
every day, when they're going to pick me up..
i'll be staring through those grills waiting for someone to take me home..
and mom said,
i looked so sad and with full of hope..
even when everybody makes friends and play..
i eagerly hold those grills, look outside, searching for the presence of my mom..
and every time they came,
i'll be jumping up and down, looking so happy..

and everybody that i met now,
told me once ago,
i was a child who cried every time when my mom was not around me..
if the person who holds me is not my mom,
i'll cry...
that's me..
i never wanted to get separated with my mom ever since i was a little kid..

and i'm still the same now..
being in utp,
i feel blessed..
utp is so special, not like other universities,
islamic, happening, good environment n surrounding..
but i just don't want to be far from my mother this long..
and my sisters n dad too...
i just want to spend my life with people i love,
seeing them growing up in front of my eyes,
hug them when i feel sad,
tell them how i feel when i need to..
it's just very necessary.
sharing my feelings with the one that i love..

up till this moment,
i'm still imagining utp as a camp..
that i'll leave my family for a while,
then i'll go back home, and never to return back..
up until now,
i'm still being positive about this..
that it's not going to be long until i'll meet my family..

i'm going home