getting scolded

this morning, mom was not in a good mood..
and as usual my sisters fought at the table during breakfast..
mom was pissed off and we got scolded..
each of us..
to be honest..
i did have those hard-feelings..
but then,
i dunno why..
i feel some sort of happiness and relieved..
that i finally got scolded..
i feel happy that finally mom tells me to do what's right..
i feel happy that finally mom wants me to be a better person..
idklah.. it's weird right?

before this,
mom was a lil bit busy since she got promoted..
and she tried her best to spend her time for us if she could..
she would buy most of the things that we asked because she said she feel sorry for those times that she can't spend with us..
and tbh it's great to have new clothes, new tudung and stuffs..
but i just dunno why.. i don't feel happy..

day by day i think i become more ungrateful for what we have right now and asked for more..
and more..
and still, i never feel satisfied..
but today..
when mom told us how hard she works just to make sure that our needs is fulfilled ...  and how we all just acted like a king, keep asking for things and did nothing than keep complaining..
i just feel like it's a wake up call..
i know it sounds lame..
but for such a long time..
i've been blinded with all these luxury, i never really appreciate what mom and dad did for us..
i just keep asking for things i forgot how hard actually they tried to grant my wish..
and when she mentioned all those things..
somehow i feel relieved and realize how spoiled and ungrateful i was..

all in all.. i just feel relieved that i still got the chances to mend things..
it's good to know my mistakes..
it's good to know that it's not too late to change..

thanks for scolding me, mom :)

p/s: n oyeah she took our handphone too.. and it's kinda boring now but meh maybe it's the best for us ;)

Quizzass

Pagi ni aq determined gler nk cri bku koko *sbnrny aq xnk dtg skolah*
Pastu aq pun niat nk dtg lmbat skit skolah sbb bku koko dh kna hntr esok..
So aq nk cri smpai jumpalah klu x hmm kosonglah markah aq..
Then cari punya cari xde gak..
Dlm pkul 8 lebih tu aq pun nk pergi skolah..
Skali teringat hri ni ad pelawat..
So demi mnjaga nama baik maahad..
Aq pun x jd dtg pagi tu..
Aq nk dtg petang skit lps hbis kls utk join kls tmbhn..
So xdela aq trserempak ngn pelawat ke ape..
Yelah aq xnak diorg tgok perangai pelajar maahad yg buat skolah mcm skolah moyang mereka sendiri walaupun hakikatnya itulah yg aq lakukan..
Tapi.. Aq kan sayang maahad..
Xnaklah krn aq sorg trcemar identiti skolah..
Har har har..
Pstu aq pun smpi2 skolah then join kls tmbahan BI..
N kitorg main quiz!!!
Series best gler!!!
Aq rse tulah antara kelas BI plg best thn ni..
Tp gentle la farhah plg semangat..
N thts one of the reason kitorg muncul Juara!!
Farhah pnye semangat tu, belum tc smpat pilih dia lg dia dh ckp jwpn..
Mmg swag glerlah.. Hahaha
Tp bestlah.. Aq rse semangat competitive bersaing ngan kwn2 tu mmg best..
Pastu yg plg bestnya ble tgok kwn2 yg pendiam pun jd excited n brsemangat nk jwb quiz..
Siap ad yg mcm dh nk brdebat dah..
X sgka tul korg ni.. Klh aq.. Haha..
Seronoklah blaja camni..
Fun n dia mcm mncungkil inner side smua org..
Nmpaklah bler dh smgt tu, mcm2 trkeluar..
So thts it i think..
Actually im rlly looking forward to this kind of learning session in the future..
It builds up confidence, creates a healthy competition among students n it is fun!
So the conclusion is, elect me for malaysia next education minister kay? Salam :D

Mereka - room 4

Td last kls ngn member2 room 4..
Sedih x yah ckp ah..
It's too heart-wrenching i cannot cry..
Sedihnya nk lpskn smua org..
Wlupun aq mgkin x rapat sgt ngn diorg smua..
Tp aq syg every single one of them..
I feel like they are my family..
Rse seronok je dkt iu dgn diorg smua..
Farizah my bff..
Twins diana n nadia my sweet besties..
Aqilah my two yrs classmate + bff..
Gon clever jessian..
Sofiya admath genius..
Hazirah our sweetheart..
Azizul - who blivs tht physics is all abt logic
Hazman the joker
Arif n afiq which i cannot differentiate :D
Najihah our new buddy..
Qaid - hazman's best friend
Iqbal is like our respectful leader
Danial our new kid
Fitri my ex schoolmate
Farisha the beautiful one..
N of course cgu fana yg comel, cgu alia yg cool+caring gler, cgu dayah yg sgt baik hati, cgu midi, cgu anep, cgu azwan..
Every single of them means so much to me..
I wish that i could freeze the time n stay forever young with them..
But hey, life goes on :(
Haish..
Ni belum lg hbes skolah..
Knpalah hidup ni msti ad prtemuan n prpisahan?
Sedih tau tak..
Apa2 pun.. aq doakan smg kita smua dpt straight A+ dlm spm.. aminnnn :')

Crushed

Between their hopes n my dream..
Between them and me..
Between the reality and past..
They all hit me..
For a second, i turn crazy..
Too much for me to take..
Too hard for me to handle..
Too heavy for me to keep..

Everything comes at once..
I feel suffocated then my heart breaks into pieces..
I can feel all those sharp edges hitting my chest..
It's too painful i cannot cry..

I want to seek for tranquility to mend my broken heart..
But silence makes it worst..
It keeps bleeding until i feel like half of me died already..

Maybe

i don't belong here..

Or maybe i need a time machine..

I myself don't even know.

Life is very hurting to me but i keep it inside..
Because i know he or she, would never understand..
How broken and torn i am..
Also, i know that one day it will go..
Far far away leaving me with thousands of regrets..
Or otherwise

the so messed up post

p/s: i write and write and when i read it back, it sounds like a cow.. i think my brain speaks cow and is not functioning well right now

so today, i'm officially finished my last trial paper!!!!
you don't know how awesome that feels like!
like seriously..
these past three weeks have been a great torture to me..
IMAGINE!
every single night, before going to sleep, i always thought about  HOW I AM NOT SO PREPARED FOR THIS EXAM n HOW COULD IT BE SO SOOOON n HOW SPM WOULD BE SOO NEARRR..
and i tried hardly to sleep thinking that having exam on the other day is like a nightmare..
every night, i cannot believe myself that MANNN  I REALLY REALLY HAVE MY TRIAL EXAM TOMORROW!!!!!
and that's awful..
bcuz of too stress, i distracted myself by tweeting or watching short vlogs..
and the next day i'll be like, I'M SOO NOT GOING TO SCHOOL TODAY BECAUSE I'M NOT PREPARED AT ALL AND I CAN'T BELIEVE THAT I REALLY HAVE EXAMS AND when i reached school, that unbelievable feeling is still there and WHEN. WHEN. i see the questions i'll be like, oh! this is freaking real...
and answering the questions was like pfftttt..
i was like oh i so don't know about this and i should be prepared next time for spm, no time to play around dah.. lucky me this is trial, next time i should do it better..
and no matter how terrible my answers are, i just cannot be sad because i know that the blame is on me right from the start and i cannot do anything more than just planning to be better after this.
i mean. it sucks.
but i hope everything is going to turn out well miraculously because we can never stop hoping until things have became permanent..
so i'm hoping and praying because that's the only thing i can do now, study more and better planning..
cuz it's all in all what i should give back to my parents..
i, as a child, live a high cost life..
my parents need to pay, sacrifice and do SOO many things for me..
which i feel bad.
and i'm not like the most awesome child in the world, i could be the worst though...

but.
i thought about all the tuition fees and stuffs..
and one night i was awake and i heard mum n dad talking about ptptn..
and i would feel totally ashamed and guilty if they apply me for ptptn because of what i've put them through and still not giving back what i supposed to give as a daughter..
i think you get it..

on the other hand,
i am very optimistic right now and believe that i should be better and plan better and do everything better because of my parents.. and also for the sake of my love towards knowledge.. i mean.. i love discovering new things, learning.. it's awesome.. i just don't fancy exam somehow.. but if i don't do well in spm, i won't be able to discover more amazing things beyond.. and i would miss all those things.. and that's why i should do well, so that i can give back to my parents, show a good example to my sister, gain the opportunities to hunt for more and better knowledge and be a good muslim..

i realized that the more the knowledge you have, the more powerful you become as a muslim..
and you will also have more power to change the world to a better place, gain trust and give hopes..
if i'm not an intelligent and known person, my Prime Minister won't probably hears my so-reasonable-but-doesn't-sound-quite-reasonable-thought.. so do the people.. everybody wants something that sounds legit..
if you yourself are not a successful person in life than how will your plans become successful?
they will question that..

oyeah and also with more knowledge, we will be more exposed to things, facts and realities..
we will know and discuss big deals, the real problem and so.
because intellectual people get those opportunities to join in big discussions and their life always surround by great people, great problems, great facts and etc...

so that's why..
i think i've written so many things i can feel my head spinning right now..
so till then :)

blabbering.

Honestly since tomorrow we'll be having english paper,
i believe that it's okay to blabber in my blog..
well,
to be honest, nowadays i feel detach from the people i used to mingle around before..
it's like.. because of the demands to concentrate on my studies,
i pushed away certain things that i love to do like debate and stuff..
i feel kinda bad but i just cannot put my heart into it when i feel really exhausted because i have too many things to do..
i would love to join training but maybe not at the time being..
but still i want to peek at them if i have time..
because that's my passion..

so currently exam week stressed me a lot..
because i got something on my mind that i'm trying to get rid of
but, it stays there.. and it disturbs me a lot..
many say you can control what you think
but surely you cannot control what's going to pop out on your mind..
hahah.. maybe with controlling your surrounding by not exposing yourself to it..
i've tried but man.. it's a small world and it just happened,,

anyway,
i think about how crazy i am nowadays since i risked everything because of that one disturbance..
and i cannot get it out of my mind..
if you have tips, do share because i'm in a dire need of that like seriously..

heyy
i feel awesome and all hype out writing all these stuffs..
i mean it's not an important stuff...
just random..
but the feeling of me blabbering in english feels awesome..
feels like me debating and talk to debaters..
it flows soo well i missed those moments..

hahah..
i'm killing all my hallucination now..
and i'm trying to kill things that remind me of it..
it's painful but meh.
i'm weak and i won't stay longer if i live in this hallucination..
or whatever..

so wish me for tomorrow and forever,
and for the first time, i want my feet to walk on earth and be more realistic xD

moodswing

esk exam chem tp rse mls giler nk study..
tah angin ape tah mlm ni tetibe x nk study chem..
dhla fav subject cme hati rse x nak gak study..
pstu mmg xde mood lgsg..
bkk bku, ttup blk..
apela nk jd dgn aq ni
dhla nk spm..
ni smua msti sbb byk lagho sbb tu hlg smua smgt..
Ya Allah stressssss

symphony of life

sometimes we found something that we love so much and we hold it tight as if we don't want to let it go..
we grip it because we are afraid that one day we will lose them..

but there will be time...
when we have to loosen our grip, let them go, move on and believe that there's always better things in front..

it's a phase of life..

so
just keep your faith n believe..

cuz i'm keeping mine too...
^_-

breaking point

when you feel the tears in your heart and listen to each drops continuously hitting your chest, you know that it is bleeding badly

do we?

btw i've found this 

credits to peliks.blogspot.com

The empty playlist

I don't know why i should right at the moment when the trial is soo near but i miss writing here and i don't want my 'house' to be empty with old stories and stuffs..

so recently, lots of things came across my mind and i wish i could write them all..
it was mad and crazy..
all of them came banging on my head like missiles penetrating my membrane cells..
told ya it was crazy..
half of me is not me any more..

certain times i hope people will understand..
and when they don't, i know that it's because they are not in my position so i keep being what i suppose to be..
i tried to kill the time as much as i could..
but i have limits too..
sometimes i take a break, have a cheat day, watch movies
cuz i know i need that break..
that was ok.

what's not ok is when, at the moment that i hope people will understand me, i don't understand people..
i don't even wait or take some times to understand them because it will be long and i just want to understand myself for the moment and yet try to not be too selfish..

in a short word, recently, i lost my temper easily.
like a bomb that can explode any time/ most of the time..
i feel bad after that but i hope people around me will understand..
i can't think about this too long because it hurts..

but i tried my best to help people when they need it when i am in a good condition..
i hope that covers the wounds that i've made..
and i know covering will still leave the scars..

but anyway,
my life right now is not like before,
filled with mixed melodies..

it's kinda empty and sometimes i feel like a robot because i have no feeling for people..

but.
i must be patient.
this is just for a while.
i will be free.
soon.

the last pre-raya post

in abt 20+ mins, we're goin to celebrate aidilfitri!
so going back to my home town this year, i know and very aware of my upcoming trial after raya..
so i put a target to finish spm books for bio, addmath, sejarah n mathmode this week at kampung and the rest is to be continued pada mggu hdpn..
ttp disebabkan trlalu bz mnziarah sedara2 (even blum raya) n tlg mnceriakan dinding serta tingkap rmh nenek, maka segala kitab turun temurun yg aq bwk blk pun selamat beradu dlm beg kesayangan..
huhuhu..
and finally hri nilah bru aq mcm free sikit..
jd dgn keazaman thp gunung everest, aq pun bkk bku spm addmath n buat progression sbb pd aq dlm dok byk2 tajuk, progression yg aq blh buat sblum tngok bku rujukan..
hahah nmpk x kemalasan menyelak bku di situ ><
so tetibe dok tgh aq setup pensel box, kalkulator tu, dtgla sepupu aq yg kecik sorang..
tgok n mnggeledah pensel box aq..
so aq pun bg dia krtas n highlighter biar dia main diam2..
bru aq nak angkat pen, gedebushhh dtg pulak tentera2 kecik yg lain..
hmm fyi sepupu aq major perempuan so u know girls..
mmg bising yg tu nk krtas, yg tu nk pen, yg tu nk marker, yg tu nk pen wrna pink..
aq pun dgn sabarnya *cehh melayan kerenah sorang2..
dah aman semua dpt kertas n pen so masing2 buat kerja masing2..
sekali dok aq buat addmath tu,
dtg pulak aiman ngn syafiq..
"eh along tgok kalkulator memanglah senang"
"eh along tiruuuu"
"mana boleh tgok kalkulator"
dan mereka pun menimbulkan kontroversi kpd si kecik yg lain mgenai 'peniruan' aq..
so aq pun bkk kuliah hri rabu dan menerangkan betapa wlupun guna kalkulator, still x dpt 100% sbb formula n etc..
and aiman dgn semangatnya cakap ohhh klu addmath mcm tu, cer kaklong amik bku matematik biasa aiman nk tgok..
n aq pun mcm aiyoo man.. skola menengah mng kna gne kalkulatorlaaaa
x menyempat-nyempat aq nk buat addmath melayan sorang2..
last2 aq sruh aiman amik bku dia spy dia blh study sme2 dgn aq drpd brtanya byk soalan yg mmeningkn..
aiman upsr thn ni so tulah..

last2 aq smpt buat 5 soalan progression pper one n tlh mnjd penat krn kehausan air dan kedahsyatan minda dlm melayan kerenah bdk2 ni..

so aq dh x larat n ttup bku pstu tdo sat..
msuk zuhur solat then melayan bdk2 kecik ni..
seronok layan diorang ni sbnrnya disebabkan depa yg honest n comel..
hahah dan menguji kesabaran..

n bru td, pak itam promote kt diorg sape yg tlg basuh dinding, dpt main counter strike..
tgh dok aq cuci dinding, dtglah assistant brbondong-bondong nk tlg..
even yg kecik2 comel sekali.. hahaha..
kecoh jugak..
sebukla msg2 nk cari berus lah, kain lah, glove lah..
last2 aq ckp xpela..
pstu syafiq ckp : x blh, kita nk tlg jugak, nnt dpt main CS..

=="

lps tu dgn penuh smgt diorg pun geledah satu rmh nenek utk cari kain buruk n berus..
wlupun ada yg kecik comel, still semangat nk sental dinding, pintu..

hahah trus x penat aq jdnya buat keje ngn diorg..
paklang selaku manager program-cuci-dinding pun trharu dgn kesungguhan krja diorg yg menyebabkn dinding nenek putih brsinarr..

moral of the story, never underestimate children, they are restless and energetic, there are many things that they can do constantly berbanding kita yg sudah tua dan sakit tulang belakang ni.. and also, many hands make light work!

additional info : i'm the eldest cucu dkt family sblh mak so u cn imagine how kecik kemetot my cousins are xD

pre-raya post III

home town makes me feel free, honest and happy...
it's like some fragments of me are left here..
now that i'm back, i can feel those fragments forming a statue of happiness and it's so perfect..
i wish everybody feels the same about their home town

pre-raya post II

-it's easy to stain a white cloth but it's hard to remove the dirt once it's there-

pre-raya post

it's almost raya which means ramadan is leaving
and when ramadan is leaving, devils r coming...
i don't like the idea having devils around..
they had already created the devil in me and even though they left because of ramadan, the devil in me stayed..
and i hate it..
it restricts me from enjoying what others do in ramadan..
i tried to get rid of it but it's hard because it stucks stronger than stain..
and this tarbiyah month got me thinking a lot..
about changing, achieving tranquility and stuff..
but still it's hard..
it's like one time i want to change badly and hours after that it doesn't really seem necessary and i just don't want to think about it..
it's like i am two persons..
one is me and one is the devil in me..
i hate it a lot..
and when the real devils come back, they will make the devil in me grow stronger and i don't want that to happen..
hmmm

not to spoil the mood of raya:

before this ends, i want to wish everybody selamat hari raya! the trial month will be over, then you need to face the 'real' challenge.. so guys pack your stuff  while you can.. fill your backpack, we still got few days.. ;)

p/s: selamat hari raya kpd yg tiba2 teringat dan x sempat jumpa hari tu ;)

mereka II

recently,
i think i changed a lil bit..
i can't say whether it's good or bad cuz i don't want to judge myself lol,
for the moment, i just want to be free and do what i want to do..
i don't overthink when doing something, i just do it when i feel like it and i love that feeling..
it feels free and awesome like you just do it with those great feelings..
never less a bit cuz you're doing it right at the moment..

so lately i've been thinking about my friends a lot..
i love each of them the way they are and frankly speaking, i don't want us to get separated..
yes we may have a reunion or what so..
but there are soo many of us and we can't gather everybody at once when each person has diff job n schedule..
and that fact upset me lil bit..
i mean, we can wish that our friendship is eternal but it is impossible to return to the school days when we prank each others, pull ones scarve, hide stuffs, throw pencil box..
it was amazing and great!
regarding to the fact that we only have few times left,
i have to change..
not in terms of anything that is important,
it just that i wanna change as in i want to create lots n lots of great memories with them and cheer a lot so there is nothing dull or ugly for us to look back one day..
and..
i don't care what people say at this state
cuz i bliv tht i'm still me but i tend to be more real now i guess..
hahah what's that suppose to mean?

anyway,
i used to give in in arguments n stuffs before..
cuz i'm like the-greatest-world-peacemaker over the centuries lol xD
but
now, when there're arguments,
i just fight back n say what i want to say cuz it feels fun and i want to remember this and i know that our fights won't last long cuz we're 17 for god sake and we won't fight like dayss.. it will be like nothing happened and we're friends back xD
and those fights feel worth it..
i don't really fight back because i am angry or what, it just that i feel that it's fun to make someone mad :O
*ouch
it's just for fun :D

hahah
so we have less time now..
but lets make out the most out of the most..
don't question my hyper-activeness and loudness
that's really what i want to do now..
i would love to remember about how funny and messed up we are..
how sarah ran with one shoe because i asked yb to hide the other shoe somewhere, how we hit each other out of the blue, how i threw enab pencil box awaay, how enab moved all my stuff to other table while i'm actually doing my works, how farhah hide my watch a lot of time, how fizah pull my scarve *which was not expected* and i pulled her scarve back for sure xD, how yb sang raya song everytime i asked a question today, how fizah mimicking people hahah..
those are great memories..
there are abundance of them that i can share and share and it will never ends..
i will miss each of them and i will remember how united we are sharing secrets and stories and teasing each other..
there are so much that we have done in this short time and i'm looking forward for more before the school ends..

till then,
assalamualaikum :D

it's ending

oh lord
let me be grateful even just for one minute

Mereka

"Why do i need to have the faintest memory with my friends"

Bkk wechat, tgok moments, kwn2 upload gmbar iftar.
Bkk blog kwn, pun update psl iftar.
Tbh, aq teringin nk join diorg smua.
Last year, n gathering mcm ni bkn blh buat selalu.
Tp parents aq x bg..
Sbb spm reasons which i kinda disagree
But anyway, hidup ni x leh lwn parents..
Nnt x berkat..
U cn argue but accept their decisions..
Biarlah..
Allah lebih tahu hikmahnya

Etcetera

I always lead to nowhere,
But there's always something that comes in my way

The thing is, whatever it is, just grab it, there's always something that you can do with anything

the sky is not my limit, i am

beberapa hari lalu,
hidup aq rasa mcm naik roller coaster,
ups and downs yg laju giler..
x menyalahkan sesiapa,
bersyukur sebab semua tu ujian Allah..

dia dan dia, kau dan mereka
semua tu ujian
nak tengok sekental mana iman di dada
dan sehebat mana akalku bisa berkata-kata

fuhhh
*mengeluh sekejap*
macam lepas naik roller coaster,
penat.
tapi macam mana pun hidup kena sentiasa move on..
kalau nak difikirkan..
dari sejak aq lahir,
dh berapa kali aq terfikir-fikir untuk give up bila aq frust or rasa cam dh buntu sangat..
but in the end, there's always a way dan...
TADAAAAAA
here i am..
still here, breathing perfectly well,
passed my UPSR, PMR *those-exhausting-exams*
passed certain challenge that i thought i would rather die than facing it..
and yeah here. i. am.

so that was the past..
after living for 17 years and a few days *bajet berpengalaman sebentar*
i've learnt that, in life, there are always two things that will happen when things happen..
first, you succeed and be happy
second, you don't succeed, cry a river and then move on, learn something new and be a better person..

from what i've finally learnt,
i feel more mature
when i want to do something and i'm afraid of the consequences ,
i'll tell myself those two things..
if this is not happening then i'll just move on..
simple and i have anything to lose..

being dare to do things and accept challenges is extremely fun,
the feeling of putting your efforts,
worrying about those things.. are great!
and the best part is when i tell myself that i'm up for the challenges after making my decisions..
yup it feels great to choose who are going to hurt you and how you're going to get hurt..
cuz, even if i get hurt, i feel satisfied that i'm awared of that before :D

so now,
even if it's not spring and blossom,
it will be great later..
i always believe in that..
whatever it is,
every true story will has a happy ending :)

p/s: i think now mom will give in to my decision to become a csi, she has admitted to my teacher that i've been dreaming to become one since i was a lil child.. lets just pray for the best :D