TurnOver

Dear diary..
It's been quite some times since ive travelled n ventured into a different world..
N to me,
There r only little amusements in those worlds n a lot of confusions..
Those amusements r too little to satisfy me..
I guess now it's time to get back to the old path..
I wanna get back to my nature (fitrah),
I wanna believe n surrender..
I wanna feel safe n secure..
I wanna feel calm n blessed..

I believe that's the only way to make me feel happy n satisfied..
InsyaAllah

"Ssungguhnya hati2 itu (hati2 org yg beriman) hanya akan tenang dgn mengingati Allah"

Notes

Dont take my thoughts n entries seriously cuz my thoughts n i change most of the times. Sometimes because of moodswing or because i'm impersonating the other person to feel what they feel.. that's y sometimes it's not really what i feel but my emotions are affected when i imagine myself to be in their place :)

I enjoy that.
Putting myself in ones place n let my imaginations flow. It could hurt too sometimes but i like humans :D

They said chase ur dreams but i

I have a failed dream.
Washed by the sea.
Crushed by the ocean.
It was gone.
Nothing was like i've ever imagined.
I guess it's because the world is worsening.
N we're lacking of choice.

We r stucked at the narrow road.
Only able to follow the flow.
N getting out and flying aren't really a choice.

I probably have deceived myself.
The choice i made wasn't really my choice.
It hurts to think about it.
But to go against them is the last thing i wanna do.

To the parents we shall lower our heart,
As they've done everything n rarely do they ask for something.
So what else can i give to them rather than fulfilling it?
Besides, i believe that they know best

settling down

hi, it's been a while since i haven't updated you on my current issue,
even though it doesn't seem necessary, but still, posting an entry on your life is like plotting your life sequence..
only when it comes to an end, you can see the beautiful patterns of ups and downs, trials and errors and the most exciting part would be to look at the beautiful days you've had for your entire life :)

the thing is that,
it's been quite a while since i've became interested to be honest and let it all outs in my blog..
i don't have the guts for most of the time..
but today,
when i finally settled down and admitted that i am flawed in every single way and that's just a normal thing for human, cuz we all are created flawed, i feel better in sorts of way.

everybody has imperfections but the difference is on how they, each of them, deal and live with it..
sometimes i hate my flaws..
i wanna be perfect tbh..
but what's perfect tho?
ones may say this and this are perfect,
others may say that and that are perfect,
until when and when,
you can never satisfy people..
and actually people don't need to be satisfied..
they are just solely observing on how you deal with your life..
nothing as such such that you need to be this this..
i probably think too much.

oh well,
that's basically what i learnt and realized now..
and i wanna keep my life more natural and lively from day to day..
i'm working on it though..
it's not easy to take a small step for a big change..
but it's surely will be worth it..

one of the thing that pushes me to realize this is probably debate,
when i went to training that day and mugabe was provoking *he's just playing around*
my attitude just happened to be who i really am..
i like being, in that case, cocky and defensive..
it feels like a full satisfaction when you become yourself no matter what..
and when it happened,
nothing should be regretted..

and also my conversations with hasni, nina and fik yesterday..
makes me think a lot..
makes me wonder all this time, what i've been doing..
it was a fun conversation and i really appreciated it..

so thanks guys for helping me finding myself again..
although i might still not change much,
still not being that talkative or whatever,
i will try..
and that is because, you helped me..
thanks friends..

♥each and every single one of you has taught me something valuable on life.. and i thank you guys for that ♥

.....

Sometimes i wonder whether i

sepetang di utp

tajuk mcm mmg x blh kait lg kan?
so, pejam celik pejam celik, x sangka dh dkt 3 bulan jugaklah aq menghuni kt utp ni,
which means aq, for the first time dduk jauh2 dri family..
dlu mse form 1, aq trasa mcm dh besar la kan,
nk duduk asrama..
kwn2 smua pakat duduk asrama,
aq sorg je ddk rumah..
tp mak aq kata, yang, selagi blh dduk rmah 17 thn ni, dudukla rumah..
nnt dh msuk universiti smua dh ssh nk blk rmah..
n aq pn obey jela wlupun rasa mcm tringin sgt nk msuk asrama..

alrite tu form 1 pnye cerita..
naik form 5, aq dh fhm..
ddk rmah tu sbnrny bnda plg nikmat dlm dunia..
luxury, mknn sedap, katil sedap, ad tv ad wifi laju..
so ble form 5, klu aq mcm x smgt je nk blaja, mak aq plak ckp,
kalau masuk asrama mgkin along smgt skit kut nk study.. dgn kwn2.. nak msuk asrama k?
p/s: my umi brcakap dgn nada yg lembut cuz umi aq mmg lemah lembut :D
n aq plak yg mcm...
emmm xpela mi.. ddk rumah je.. selesa.. dduk asrama tkut stress.. #AlasanSemataMata

and then aq pn habes spm, graduate from maahad then trlebih excited plak mengisi borang2 kt internet..
tnpa disangka-sangkanya, aq dptla plak offer nk msuk utp..
kwn2 pn rmai yg dpt tp most of them tolak kerana reasons yg pelbagai..
aq ni plak dlm dilemanya nak masuk ke taknak,
aq serahkan keputusan kat parents aq..
tp smbil tu aq interview jugak org2 lain..
saje nk tmbh knowledge..
pstu dlm 2-3 hari lg nk kna konfemkan keputusan aq nk accept ke tak,
mak aq ckp,
dia dh istikharah, n dia rasa aq kena pergi..
sebab, aq x biasa dduk asrama, x biasa susah2..
mak aq kata, at least cuti ni x buat pape, biarlah aq belajar campus life..
klu terus msuk je lps result nnt takut aq xleh carry..
mak aq kata, biar msuk utp ni mcm trainingla.. belajar mandiri..
eceh.
mse mak aq ckp tu, aq rse mcm.. umi ni x syg along ke.. sbb aq tgok mak aq cool je..
selalunya bab2 nk berjauhan ni mak aq mmg x bg..
hatta kem pun jarang gile mak aq nk bg pergi..

last2 dh sehari kut sblum aq pergi tu,
aq suarakan jgakla isi hati aq,
aq bgtau mak aq.. "umi.. along tgok umi mcm x kisah je along nk pergi ni.. umi x sayang along ke?"
then brula mak aq confess,
berat jugak dia nk bg aq pergi, tp dia xnak aq risau.. so dia cool je..
mse tu aq trharu+sedih+ feeling2 lain yg brkaitan..
tp aq mcm dh x leh wat pape sbb esknya dh nk pergi..
so aq diam je..

pstu mak aq ckp.. try dulu sayang.. nnt kalau x ok, nnt kluarlah..
aq pn ok je..
then mula2 masuk..

memang.
aq ni dgn xpernah basuh baju pkai tangan nye..
jarang gosok tudungnya..
hmm..
smua nk kna blaja..
bibik aq pn dh pesan awal2 sblum prgi..
dia ajar aq gosok tudung sbb slalunya dia yg gosokkan..
tp aq bknnya x reti gosok.. cuma dh lama x gosok.. tu yg mcm pshhh skit tu..
then, basuh baju la plg x reti..
pstu mse baru masuk jatla tlg ajar smua en..
n aq pn blaja la slow2..

pstu skrg alhamdulillah.. agak pro lah bab2 basuh baju ni..
bab2 gosok pn xde problem sgt dh..

then aq rasa mcm btulla mak aq ckp tu..
alhamdulillah aq msuk awal ni aq blh blaja,
blh try adapt dgn campus life..
sbb, klu lps ni dpt result ke ap,
aq nk kluar pegi mne2 insyaAllah blh adapt sbb aq dh biasa dduk u,
dh prnah jauh dri family..
xdela homesick sgt en..

and nak cerita alang2 dh msuk psl u ni..
dlm duk jauh2 dri family ni en..
kdg2 aq homesick la gak..
frust ke stress ke..
nama pn dduk u kan..
tp memikirkan yg dorg tu jauh,
klu aq cite pn depa xleh tlg malah menambahkan lg beban depa nk risau psl aq..
so either way pn aq kna face jgak bnda2 tu smua..

n aq rse so far ni aq survive dduk u pn sbb mentaliti tu..
ble pke yg one way or another pun aq kena face problem tu,
xleh lari, x leh nk mnx tlg ngn family mcm dlu,
jd papehal pun..
ble stress then nanges ke ap en,
nnt last2 aq akn rse mcm hmm dhla nangesnya, x selesai pn masalah,
time to get back to the real life..
then fokus blk nk selesaikan masalah tu..

klu dlu aq mgkin byk cara utk escape problem,
tp skrg x dh..
slow2 blaja brdikari skit2..

kadang2 aq rindu gak nk gedik2 ke cengeng ke en..
demand itu ini ngn org..
tp aq sedarla.. dh besar, xleh stay dgn perangai lme..
nnt x leh survive hidup ni..
kalau dlu aq mmg.
demand pape pn..
xleh tu xleh ni..
org2 sekeliling aq pn layan je..
depa smua baik2..
aq rse bahagia gila hidup dipenuhi kasih sayang.. kui kui
tp skrg ni aq dh blaja la x mnyusahkan org..
mse aq bru msuk u pn adik aq pesan..
u need to grow up, dh besar, org lain ad hal masing2, blaja jgn susahkan org..
n mse aq dgr tu sentapla sket en..
yela adik mmg lg matured dri kakak..
tp ble pke2.. betul ap yg dia cakap..
then aq pn seboleh-bolehnya mengelakkan diri dri menyusahkan org..
kdg2 aq jln sorg2 ke ape en,
bkn sbb aq xde kwn ke ap,
tp aq xnak menyusahkan dorg, nk sruh dorg tggu aq ke ap..
sbb aq ni mmg pape slalu slow..
so aq rse better la aq pegi je sorg2..
lambat pn x mnyusahkan org..
ha.. cmtulah..

n alhamdulillah skrg ni aq rse mcm dh stable skit n blh adapt la skit2 dgn my new life..
then aq pn x sgka,
Allah tu Maha Mengasihani,
Dia x biar aq sorg2 lps jat pegi..
aq jmpe kwn2 baru..
7 org plak tu..
yg masing2 unique n special in their own way..
then ad ajean yg slalu tlg mcm2..
aq rse bersyukur sgt..
oyeah not to forget,
group english drama aq yg class..
smgt je training meeting smua..
so far so good la kiranya..alhamdulillah...

btw smpi sini dlu kut post kli ni, aq pun dh rse berdebar gila nk amik result.. pls doakan yg trbaik utk smua spm candidates 2013, n pape pun kwn2 aq nk stay kt utp.. so aq pn mgkin stay mgkin kluar.. idk yet.. doakan jugak aq dpt buat kputusan yg trbaik :)

sharing is caring - spread the love~

bismillah..
smlm smart group en, kitorg bncg psl hadis ni,

Diriwayatkan dari Amir al-Mukminin (pemimpin kaum beriman) Abu Hafsh Umar bin al-Khattab radhiyallahu’anhu beliau mengatakan : Aku mendengar Rasulullahshallallahu ‘alaihi wa sallam bersabda, “Sesungguhnya setiap amalan harus disertai dengan niat. Setiap orang hanya akan mendapatkan balasan tergantung pada niatnya. Barangsiapa yang hijrah karena cinta kepada Allah dan Rasul-Nya maka hijrahnya akan sampai kepada Allah dan Rasul-Nya. Barangsiapa yang hijrahnya karena menginginkan perkara dunia atau karena wanita yang ingin dinikahinya, maka hijrahnya (hanya) mendapatkan apa yang dia inginkan.”

aq yakin mostly kita mmg familiar sgt dgn hadis ni, tp sejauh mne kita mghayati mesej yg dibawa oleh hadis ni? tepuk dada tanya iman 

but anyway, sekadar nk berkongsi apa yg aq dpt dri hadis ni,

1st of all, kita akan dibalas ganjaran seperti mana yg kita niatkan..
contohnya, dlm hadis ni sendiri.. hadis ni diturunkan masa peristiwa rasulullah berhijrah ke madinah.. dalam ramai2 orang yang nak berhijrah tu, ada seorang pemuda ni, dia nak kahwin dgn perempuan ni tapi, perempuan tu nk ikut rombongan rasulullah yang berhijrah ke madinah.. so, disebabkan si pemuda ni nk kahwin dgn perempuan ni, dia pun ikutla rombongan tu.. sampai di madinah, dia dapat kahwin dgn perempuan tu.. tapi, disebabkan niat dia berhijrah tu bukan kerana Allah, jadi apa yg dia dpt hanyalah yg dia niatkan.. dia dpt kahwin dgn perempuan tu tapi dia x dpt pahala berhijrah kerana Allah..

so conclusionnya, apa2 yang kita buat, amalan kita tu akan dinilai mengikut niat kita..
kalau kita niat kerana Allah, kita akan dapat ganjaran drpd Allah..
n btw bila kita buat apa2 n kita niat kerana Allah, insyaAllah segala kerja yg susah tu terasa ringan je, sebab, kita rasa seronok buat benda tu untuk mendapat keredhaan Allah bukan untuk satisfy kan manusia/ dapat harta, jawatan, pangkat dan sebagainya

2nd, kita jgn judge orang..
sbb. kita xkan tahu niat seseorg tu buat something..
urusan niat itu hanya antara si fulan dgn Allah..
even malaikat pn, dorg catit je ap yg kita buat di setiap detik dan saat tanpa tahu pn apa niat yg trlintas kat hati kita masa buat bnda tu..
because again, niat itu urusan Allah..
setiap amalan yg kita buat tu, sejauh mana tahap keikhlasannya, sebanyak mana pahala yg kita akan dpt, itu semua urusan Allah..
jadi kalau kita nampak orang tu buat baik, jangan terus judge dia ni nak menunjuk2 or fake ke..
sebab, niat dia xde sape tahu..
sapelah kita utk judge manusia lain kan..
biarlah apa yg dia buat tu, amalan dia dinilai oleh Allah Yang Maha Adil..

3rd, niat x menghalalkan cara..
walaupun topik ni macam x berkaitan dengan hadis kat atas,
tapi bila sebut pasal niat ni aq tiba2 teringat pasal benda ni..
kadang2 kita terbiasa nak buat something tu, kita ikut niat kita tanpa fikir pn whether benda tu seiring x dgn syariat..
sedangkan, sebaik mana pun niat kita tu, kalau x kena dgn syariat islam, tetap akan salah..
contohnya, plg simple la.. kita nak tlg org miskin, tapi kita xde harta nk bagi, jadi kita pn mencuri utk tlg org miskin tu..
niat kita baik, nak tlg orang yg miskin..
tapi cara kita tu salah.. kita dah menganiaya org lain n di masa yg sama kita bagi benda yg haram pulak dkt org yg miskin td untuk diguna dan sebagainya..

jadi, sebelum buat apa2, kita kena tajdid niat and fikir dulu, jgn main terus buat je.. apelah guna manusia yg dikurniakan akal kalau bukan utk berfikir.. kan? 

so itu ringkasnya ap yg aq dpt simpulkan from hadis smlm.. byk lagi kupasan dia sbnrnya.. apa2 pun mohon betulkan kalau ad apa2 yg trsalah..

thx to: akk Nurul Afiqah Noorrezhan Aisyah Fakeh Maya Najwa MardhatiNadzirah Khairuddin hazirah, kak leya n room mate kak afiqah utk perbincangan yg menrik smlm..

wallahu a'lam 

exactly.

why

i wanna ask u straight away..

y?

y did u choose to leave?

did u know that even if it's just a normal morning conversation,

it means something,

it changes my day..

i dunno how to spill and say this before..

cuz it feels pathetic

and i feel that i've became weaker day by day seeing u being there but distancing urself away.

it poisoned me.

our conversations,

eventho it seems useless but it is somehow meaningful.

knowing that there's gonna be an advice for me every morning is a thing that i cherish a lot.

somehow.

u just left.

u chose to.

idk y.

idk how.

idk wht i 've done.

but u choose to leave.

i think the key is to not look at people

eden - the other way round

sometimes,
u've reached to a point,
when u don't know where to look at,
or to whom ur going to hold on to,
it's like u've lost all the reasons that u used to believe in..

i'm adapting to changes,
and to people..
and it's tough..
and i feel like quitting..

but even though i don't have anywhere to look at,
or someone that i can hold on to,
or probably a friend to share my green and gray day..
i still need to try..
because out there,
there are people who believe in me..
there are people who want to know that i'm all right..
and i cannot disappoint them..
their sadness is my grief too..
because i love them that much..

i think,
at this level,
it's okay to break down,
it's okay to let the tears out,
it's okay to be all unhappy and sad..
because i've already hit the breaking point and i supposed to break..
but let it just be a pause,
where i become all messed up but in the end things will be okay..
let it be that way..
because i just cannot expect more from life

whatev

so, it's been almost 2 months as i ventured into the university life..
and, idk..
i miss blogging that badly but it just that i cannot and i don't know what to write..
there are too many things happened that when i wanted to write it out,
it feels like as if i'm speechless when i wanna talk..
cuz there's too many things..
and yep, probably because now i'm used to staying alone and not talking to people that much like i used to do..
i never thought about it until ajean told me that if we stay alone, our communication skills will probably deteriorate..
and that scares me, out of all this thing is this world, why. my. communication. skills.
i will spend my life as a loner and feel frustrated, depressed all by myself if i don't have a good communication skills..
and i never want it to happen..
i always, always if i have a bad time, talk to someone,
or my friends or my sis..
i just need to talk and everything feels fine..
also when i'm happy or overexcited, i will talk to someone..
like i love being expressive and let others know what i feel..
i mean share everything..
but now, since like it's a new environment,
and i'm staying alone..
i cannot like suddenly change the weather..
or,
i do tell someone but they won't understand it as much as my friends do..
they'll be like oh.. yeah.. and idk responses that hmm..

to be honest,
i miss my girls badly..
and i do call some of them daily when i walk to my class,
but there're so many things and when i'm walking, i cannot tell them about private matters/gossiping and it's just not fun..
cuz i prefer calling them in my room and chat all day long but maxis is just being maxis and the coverage is bad..
so yeah..

byk benda kena pendam..
and sometimes i just wish that there will be at least one of them here with me,
so i can walk, eat and share stories with them all day long..
it will be totally fun..

hmmm

tp ape pun, ade hikmah gak aq sorg2...
i get to know new people..
well to be exact, awesome people..
the pantai timur girls..
they are really funny, and baik sgt..
i was touched..
x sgka akn jmpe kwn2 mcm ni..
happening je depa smua...
sgt helpful and positive thinking..

oh n btw, bdk2 plkn nk blk dh..
aq x saba gle nk jmpe dorg..
everybody's like, i have a LOADS of storiessss
and i'm like me toooooooooooooooo
and td ckp ngn fizah pn she's like, kau msti pendam sorg2 kan skrg..
aq xyah ckp pn dorg dh fhm.. ni lah besties..
tp pape pun,
i'm looking forward for our meet up!
giler rindu kut dgn kwn2 skolah..
hmm life would change like forever for all of us..
so i just wanna cease a moment just for our last memory together...

p/s: i feel boring writing this post cuz i'm just not as expressive as before but yeah

ntahlah..

n friends

"usually, when people leave, you are left with nothing"

i still remember the very first moment of our times before we are officially enrolled as UTP's students..

i still remember that time when i almost give up from going to the interview just because i cannot find a homestay..

and at that time, jat was encouraging me to go n she also offered me to stay at her homestay if i can't find one..

and jat was staying with all her siblings and parents which makes a total of 6 people and she still offered me to stay with her..

at that time, i was really touched..

i felt like Allah is too kind to send me this great people along my journey..

and alhamdulillah i've managed to get a homestay that night..

and that morning, i woke up very early for the interview..

i was the 6th or 7th person queuing up for the interview.. 

hah i only come early for the first day of everything in my life lol..

then we, the hamidians sat together, most of us..

and i sat besides jat n hanna n we listen to the speech n etc..

and i still remember how nervous nyem was..

she was texting aina eventho they sat nearby cuz she's too nervous to speak XD

i was nervous too.. but at that time something distracted me and i just couldn't feel nervous since i have something else on my mind..

then we went to interview together and to make it short,

most of us have made it..

we received an offer letter from utp and i still remember how excited i was that night calling jat and asked her to straight away check her application status and OMG!

we get the same course!!!

life just couldn't be better, i thought :)

and from all of us who received the offer,

only 4 of us accepted the offer..

me, anyem, ajean n jat..

n to make things again, better,

jat n i r room mates!!!

everything was easy from the beginning..

the way Allah has planned it for me..

and day by day we spent our time together,

sometimes we laughed and joked..

sometimes we argued..

but at the end of the day,

we are still best friends :)

and i never expected that this day will come..

jat has decided that she's going to pursue her study in science department..

and aem got an offer letter from KYS n she's going too..

so at the same time,

2 people, my best friends r going..

and i couldn't say more..

deep inside..

i feel terribly sad and lonely..

but i believe in Allah..

i believe that He has a better plan for each of us..

and i believe that He has planned something better for jat..

as a servant,

i couldn't say more than being grateful that at the end of the day,

whatever happens,

it's the best thing that He planned for us..

"John Lennon said : everything will be okay, if it's not okay, it's not the end"

so that's that..

sooner or later..

things might be a lil bit different..

but eventually it will come to a good ending :)

and to aem,

i'll miss ur coolness..

and ur reaction and determination when it comes to cepi..

hahaha..

and i still remember that day when we went to pasar malam for the first time in utp..

and the bus left us..

i was really lucky to have u with me or else i guess i'll be fainting or crying or even dying because of anxiety..

i just worried too much sometimes lol..

and aem is always like,

smua yg jd tu ada hikmah dia..

and we met ur uncle tgh jln..

what an unexpected incident..

and the memory of us staying late at night during mas..

what a life

:)

and to jat..

i can't say more..

thanks for being patient with me through all this time..

thanks for coping with my imperfections..

thanks for understanding my emotionally-dragged personality..

you, somehow have changed the way i look at things..

you, have made me realized about my false attitude towards people..

the way you care and try to understand people is amazing..

i never thought that somebody like you actually exist..

to be honest..

and when i knew it,

i just wanted to be like you..

caring and understanding..

and looking back at the pictures during mas..

god, i have a lot of our pictures together and it's soo memorable..

i still remember during the gimic,

when we r chatting at the back..

feeling shocked when that kid rebels to the facees and stuffs..

and lol.

it was a gimic..

what a funny time isn't it?

and during tht time, we're walking together at night back from the class and there was nobody cuz we used the longer road when there's actually a shorter one *that we didn't know at that time*

and we saw this foreigner besides the road and i was like..

weyy dia buat ap tu?? weyyyy jalan laju2....

and actually he was taking picture of the scenery or something lol..

hahah..

what a memorable thing to be reminisced.

sometimes,

i thought parting with people is a bad thing..

i thought that when somebody leaves,

he/she will leave me with nothing..

but u guys proved me that i was wrong..

even though you guys are leaving,

you guys have left me with something nice to remember about..

you guys have given me beautiful memories to look at for my first chapter of university's life..

thanks for everything..

i wish the best for you guys..

and be happy with whatever you guys will do in future..

enjoy each moment in life..

and most importantly,

don't forget to seek for a friend like me so that i don't have to worry much if i'm not there with you guys.. 

heheh..

a run

i never feel her pains this close, ever since last year.
now it feels so near, i can feel it bleeds.
i can feel the pain again and again.
emotionally.
my heart feels painful.

and when it's too much.
all i can do is only,
escaping.
and praying.

anyway

i realized tht when im at uni..
im far from my family n friends..
and even when i hve problems..
i don't express it like before..
i don't cry, scream or hug my friends..
i don't talk to my mom..
cuz the thing is,
im far from them n even if i tell them, they cant do anything n also i dont want them to worry much
besides every problem has a solution..
and when the road seems too dark for me to walk,
ill sit down and rest for a while until something lights up or i just walk blindly..
because that just feels like the right thing to do..
being sad, angry or depressed,
all those negative stuffs,
are definitely normal..
and i admit that i used to cry and cry and cry a lot when i dunno what to do..
but now,
even crying seems pointless..
being blank and stupid seems so much better..

sometimes a long shower would help..
relieving and calming my emotions..
idk..
now its more abt being on ur own..
everything..
even when it seems like i couldnt do it..
either way, i just have to and should find a way...

so thats basically a lil bit of what ive discovered about myself now..
i think ive changed a bit..
when it comes to conflict n crisis lol..
but i know this is just the tip of the iceberg..
anyway, im still finding a way to be more emotionally stable..
as ive always been so sensitive to things..

priceless

when it comes to life,

it comes to my realization tht i blog quite often recently..
thus. it bids me to a question..
are u that 'free' as a uni student?
and my answer is..
nope..
i wish i have more time cuz i have a lot to tell..
everyday i learn a new thing,
everyday i have a new thought,
but i just don't have the time to blog about it becuz usually,
when there's even some times,
i'll choose to let my body n mind to have some rest..

but currently i've been blogging becuz my thoughts just flooded in..
and it's too much that i need to put it somewhere so that it won't spill..
and yes,
i steal the time..
to blog this..
hesitantly maybe.. but anyway feeling necessary..

so basically this is just my thought on my sis's thought..
to be honest,
i think,
we share the same idea just with a different needs n necessities..
??!?? *ignore my thoughts if it's confusing*
to me,
being optimistic/ dreaming on a happily ever after ending,
makes ur world vast..
it removes the limit that ur mind has set up for u..
an example,
if u keep walking on reality and follow what the reality has set for you,
you won't go anywhere..
you won't even beat the reality..
you will end up believing that ur capability is limited and u cannot do much..

while on the other hand,
hoping/dreaming makes u aim for higher achievement in life..
and for certain reasons,
it makes life feels more pleasant and livable..
and as for me,
i like to dream a lot..
even if it seems impossible,
i keep doing it because it brings comforts and reliefs to my life and makes me feel better..
because of dreaming,
i have something nice to look up to,
and i'll be able to motivate myself to hang on for a while when things came up..

i believe in the power of imagination n thoughts..
which when u welcome it,
it will become the most powerful thing ever in ur life..
it's like a shield that protects u from ppl thoughts and criticism,
and to a certain level, you will be very powerful that u cn control ur life well..
as for now,
i always believe that people have no right to intrude my life n thoughts,
even when they criticize,
it won't hurt me a bit as long as i believe in myself..
cuz, to me,
it's not worth it to get hurt by people and have my own life troubled while they won't even get affected..
so,
since now that i've learnt all this,
i realize how important 'u' r to urself..
therefore,
u should defend urself in any way...
protect it..

and again..
as for me,
me n myself are two different things..
me are the one who take actions now and myself are me all the time..
so, whatever it is,
i'll love myself all the way..
even when people criticize,
i know that i should appreciate myself for being this strong all the way..
if it's not the because of myself,
i won't be who i am now..

so thanks to myself that i manage to discover the beauties of life..
and to those out there,
never degrade urself..
remember how hard the real u have gone through life so far,
so don't degrade it..
but embrace it..
each of us are different,
and nobody says that different is not good..
stop looking at others..
look at u..
u hve been created beautifully, by Allah The Almighty..
He has created the best of you..
so cherish it..
if u have negative thoughts about urself,
put it aside,
focus on more positive things,
as it shall lead u to better things..

that's all i think for tonight..
xoxo :)

my oath

i love my mom with all my heart and even if she gets old, i would remember all of this..
whatever happens, as long as i'm still alive and capable, i'll make sure ur in my good care mom..
that's my oath for u insyaAllah :)

notes: i found this on facebook and i thought about sharing it..

My dear girl, the day you see I'm getting old, I ask you to please be patient, but most of all, try to understand what I'm going through. If when we talk, I repeat the same thing a thousand times, don't interrupt to say: "You said the same thing a minute ago"... Just listen, please. Try to remember the times when you were little and I would read the same story night after night until you would fall asleep.

When I don't want to take a bath, don't be mad and don't embarrass me. Remember when I had to run after you making excuses and trying to get you to take a shower when you were just a girl?

When you see how ignorant I am when it comes to new technology, give me the time to learn and don't look at me that way ... remember, honey, I patiently taught you how to do many things like eating appropriately, getting dressed, combing your hair and dealing with life's issues every day... the day you see I'm getting old, I ask you to please be patient, but most of all, try to understand what I'm going through.

If I occasionally lose track of what we're talking about, give me the time to remember, and if I can't, don't be nervous, impatient or arrogant. Just know in your heart that the most important thing for me is to be with you.

And when my old, tired legs don't let me move as quickly as before, give me your hand the same way that I offered mine to you when you first walked. When those days come, don't feel sad... just be with me, and understand me while I get to the end of my life with love. I'll cherish and thank you for the gift of time and joy we shared. With a big smile and the huge love I've always had for you, I just want to say, I love you ... my darling daughter.

Original text in Spanish and photo by Guillermo Peña.
Translation to English by Sergio Cadena

about life and feelings

my mom told me,
when i was a child, my parents were studying in universities..
therefore they couldn't take care of me 24/7..
so they decided to send me to a nursery..
and mom said,
every day, when they're going to pick me up..
i'll be staring through those grills waiting for someone to take me home..
and mom said,
i looked so sad and with full of hope..
even when everybody makes friends and play..
i eagerly hold those grills, look outside, searching for the presence of my mom..
and every time they came,
i'll be jumping up and down, looking so happy..

and everybody that i met now,
told me once ago,
i was a child who cried every time when my mom was not around me..
if the person who holds me is not my mom,
i'll cry...
that's me..
i never wanted to get separated with my mom ever since i was a little kid..

and i'm still the same now..
being in utp,
i feel blessed..
utp is so special, not like other universities,
islamic, happening, good environment n surrounding..
but i just don't want to be far from my mother this long..
and my sisters n dad too...
i just want to spend my life with people i love,
seeing them growing up in front of my eyes,
hug them when i feel sad,
tell them how i feel when i need to..
it's just very necessary.
sharing my feelings with the one that i love..

up till this moment,
i'm still imagining utp as a camp..
that i'll leave my family for a while,
then i'll go back home, and never to return back..
up until now,
i'm still being positive about this..
that it's not going to be long until i'll meet my family..

i'm going home