of LIFE TAX AND GST

it's between enjoying your coaster ride or picking all the emerald stones along the ride.
put it this way.
you're riding a roller coaster, but it's not a useless coaster like we always have now, it doesn't offer you only the excitement of riding it, but it also went into a tunnel full of emerald stone.
so, between the two that i've stated above, which will you choose?

to me,
that's life. i don't really know my decision. i don't know whether i can enjoy the coaster while picking emerald stones or anything but in order to have the ultimate of something you need to fully look into it.

remember this quote? "those who wants the crown, bears the crown"
means, whatever that you want in life, if you really want to achieve it, you need to sacrifice things and bear with everything that come a long with it.
you need to pay for the tax.
but don't worry, it's not GST. it's life tax.

i, sometimes do wonder what i wanna become.
i do find my interest in certain things nowadays. like before, i couldn't figure out what i like and what i don't but now it seems clearer to me.
but i still cannot decide what i don't like because in sem 2, physics seems interesting out of the sudden and you know i'm always hyped up when things become interesting.

i want to add spices into my sem 2 life.
i want something more than studying but i'm afraid i couldn't bear taxes that come along with it.
i just wanna give one shot and one shot only in my study.
i don't wanna slip, lose my focus and regret about it later.
i wanna achieve my dreams well even though i don't have a specific ones but i know, it's a good one because dreams are always about good things.
so i decided to reject an offer to become a committee because i'm afraid and maybe i don't know.

i set up a line.
the first thing that i will join other than studying is debate.
and then after that, i'll see whether i can juggle between things and if i can, then only i'll try other things.
for now, i don't hear anything about debate in upm since degree kids just got back from the break so i guess they haven't started any training yet.
so my other life than studying is on hiatus.

that's probably it.
i just miss being a part of committee but maybe this is the best because i don't want to miss that one shot

of current life n kesayangans

Allah has blessed me with beautiful people in my life.
I've never expected a single thing that happens right now, before.
Few months ago, i was at my worst state.
I was never a person like that, being so demotivated of myself and feeling useless.
At one point, i almost hate everybody because i feel useless in front of them.
Changing universities, it impacts me a lot. Moreover when it comes to people thoughts and views.
The moment when i received even a slightest negative opinion, i hate myself.

But alhamdulillah now,
i've realized that i've made the right choice and it's the best gift that i've received from Him.
only now i managed to see the hikmah behind everything that happens.
even though some people might still think that i've made the wrong choice all this time, chose to enter utp and spent my parents money more than 7K there, alhamdulillah, i believe in His plan, i believe that there's a specific reason why He puts me there and alhamdulillah, i'm glad that i've made that choice even though it was for temporary.

Now, i'm in upm and i've never met such wonderful classmates like this.
i've never felt so welcome and touched with people whom i just knew.
i feel like i have a family whom i feel most comfortable to be with n with them, i am me.
sometimes u r just a different person, when ur with ur family and when ur with ur friends but they make me feel so welcome that i feel no difference when i'm with them and when i'm with my family.
it is an abundance of happiness :)

now, i realized how much He loves me that He puts me in such situations for a reason.
during my time in utp,
i learnt about being independent and more about myself because i am alone before i have true friends.
i learnt the best way for me to study because apparently everybody has their own way.
i learnt to prioritize things and restrain myself from doing useless things that will affect my study.

so when i enter upm,
it's like i have been given a second chance to re-do my uni life.
and it's such a wonderful gift for me.
To be able to re-do things and correct my previous mistakes.

All in all,
i was having a great time..
everybody was so nice that i won't mind working with any of them..

knowing each of them is such a gift.
and now i realize how much He loves me

"sesungguhnya janji Allah itu tidak akan menghampakan. Dialah sebaik-baik perancang dan Dialah Yang Maha Mengetahui"

last class for sem 1

classmates

ada plak yg tmpg menyelfie

guys with madam tanteks

girls pulak

ramai2 united

Tidbits

i needed to prepare some short journals recently, it was for my english coursework and i would love to share it here since i haven't written anything for quite some times. Still working on my grammar and wording tho.. anyway, enjoy reading!

Parents

She cuddled me at that night. I was crying non-stop and she did not know why. She felt dejected. What else has she not done to comfort the crying baby? She then burst into tears and he came to comfort her. Both of them looked at the baby and in her eyes, they saw love. The tiny baby, despite the endless cry every night, brought happiness into their live. That tiny baby is their symbol of love and every dwarf-step that she takes, made them feel proud. Now, that little girl has grown up. She is full of love from her parents. She is now a happy person feeling loved every single second. Thank you, mom and dad for loving me and staying tough when I always put you down. I can never repay your love and I will always and always love both of you.

Happiest moment

          Life is a bouncy ride. The ups and downs are the essence of life. Whether we like it or not, we cannot go against the nature of life. It was made for purposes and as humans, we cannot change things that are beyond our capability but what we can do is that, we can change the way we feel about it. I realized these things 2 years ago when I joined debate. Debate has changed my view in so many ways. I began to love every tidbits of my journey. I believe that there are reasons for everything that happened and all of the reasons lead to an eternal happiness. Therefore, it is no use for us to feel sad or unhappy because we all know that nothing last forever. The sadness and pain will go away one day. I never feel so contented before. Joining debate has grown the euphoria inside me and that is my happiest moment.

Friendship

It is so beautiful, like the season when Sakura flowers fall to the earth and the wind blows each one of them. It brings every piece of me to the state of tranquility. That is how I would describe our friendship back then in 2013. We were originally from different classes but we were just meant to be together. I still remember the moment when I was transferred to Zainab’s class. It was so quiet and spooky. But then I met Zainab. She was so different from other people. She taught me about life more than anybody did. She made me realize that life is not just about scoring or obeying every single thing that they told you to do. Life is about improving things even the rules and we do not have to worry if we do the right thing. In short, my life changed and since then, I have become a calmer person because she made me found my inner happiness.

My pet

          I named him Justin because he is so handsome like Justin Timberlake.  It was my semester break at that time and I was in charge of the bunnies. I do not favor animals as much as my little sisters do but I have no choice since nobody was at home except me. Then, the female bunny gave birth to two beautiful baby bunnies. I was really excited at that time seeing those two little creatures yawning and sleeping and since that, my heart grows fonder towards them. He is a man now and I do not take care of him anymore since I am in university but every time I return home and call his name, he will run towards me and it makes me feel euphoric.

Interesting place

          Although I’m a fan of Spain football team, but still, if someone asks me the place that I have always dreamt to go, I would say I want to go to the lovely city of Italy, Venice. I first saw Venice in a movie which was acted by Johny Depp and Angelina Jolie.  Since that, I have fallen in love with the angelic city. The view from the window of your room with river flowing below it is magical. I love the eye-catching and scenic view in Venice. Hence, I really hope that one day I can witness the aesthetics of Venice with my own eyes.

Gelap dan cerah.

Awak.
Langit tu kan x selalu cerah.
Kdg2 awan jadi mendung juga.
Semuanya begitu.
Aturan hidup.
Berputar dan berubah.
Dan apabila semua kembali ke tempat asal,
Dan angin hitam menghilang,
Barulah kelihatan sinar yg sebenar.
Setia bersamamu di setiap ketika.
Gelap dan cerah.

Snow.

The first flake falls down,
Shiny, clear
and pretty
She stretches her arm forward, reaching the flake..
Soft, cold,
She giggles
More to come! She says,
Happily, she stares at the sky..
Full of hopes n glitters in her eyes..
1,2, other flakes fall down,
She open both of her hands
Hoping to catch as much flakes as she can
It is cold
She trembles
And giggles at the same time
She is alone..
In the coldness
But she is happier than ever
She enjoys screaming and giggling to her own amusement
Which others won't understand
So here she is
Isolating herself from others
Just to give herself some space
To breath and enjoy the tiny bits of life

be happy

i'm happy.
all of the sudden.
i saw something on instagram, it says "why should we feel sad when we can feel happy?"
and idk y, it sounds so legit to me
i mean.. i know that past is past but now, i finally realized that it's the reality and now, i'm all good to let things go..
i do, sometimes feel sad when i remember the blasts that i had back then
and somehow it makes me realize that one day, upm is going to be my past too..
so i wanna fill in the times that i still have and make the most out of it so that when i graduate, i really really have fun and beautiful memories to look at..

i also realize that i should wake up from my sleep..
i should go, venture things and mix with people..
just get to know my new friends and have fun with them..
it's not a bad thing to get to know new people..
probably i'm just paranoid
but don't worry, i'm looking forward to it :D

in short, i think i should find myself again
because i wanna be happy like i used to be
and let things go
i wanna live a new life as a new person :)

I've lost the momentum n beat in my life

night.

in the middle of the night.
i just wanna talk to you.
i don't know why.
but i like it.
talking to you.
you are very weird but honest and straightforward.
you are different and i like your thoughts on everything.
i like asking your help.
i like talking to you when everybody has fallen asleep.
i like knowing that you are wise and knowledgeable.
but you are cranky sometimes.
it's annoying and i'll count your crankiness to return it back when we talk again.
but you are also sensitive.
not that sensitive of being hurt or stuffs.
you are sensitive about what others feel.
you care about people.
you worry about them.
that's why i like talking to you.
despite the crankiness part, when you are warm, you are really warm.
and that's very calming.

countless

it's been a while.
people around me are getting busy.
everybody has went to uni and i'm counting my days.
nevertheless, i don't really wanna go.
i want my 17 precious time back.
if only i can freeze it.
i want my friends all around me, laughing, crying, pranking, pulling each others' tudung.
i want that.
i wanna see farhah's hype climbing the mango tree at our school.
i wanna see enab rolls her eyes every time we quarrel.
i wanna see aya being cool and i wanna scratch tissues when i'm bored and put it in aya's pencil case until aya screams.
i want that.
i wanna see nili's 5 minutes non-stop laugh until she cries.
i wanna see dina being a mom when i quarrel with enab.
all that. i want it back.
i hate the fact that they've gone.
way too far.
i hate that we're living different lives.
and we cannot go like hey, i hate this school too.
meh.

joy

what's the joy in life.
it's monotonous.
it's flat.
it's ugly.
it's boring.
it's torturing.
it's hurting.
it's traumatizing.
it's haunting.
i died at the end of the story.

reality

a lil bit by bit.
i wanna find it.
i wanna run from it.
it scares me.
the reality

may i finally find the real peace

i'm feeling relieved..
for days i've been wondering..
how vast and complicated the world is..
as much as i know that i can make it easy,
i also know that this one small step can trouble me in the future..

i am confused to choose..
at one moment i already wholeheartedly believe that i belong to uia..
but chatting with my girls from utp,
it brings back the memories..
how hard it is, at first struggling and coping with university life..
n then i met the girls who cheer up every single second of my life..
the bittersweet memories are so priceless..
thinking about it,
i feel reluctant to let it go..

but then i've prayed..
and comparing between utp n uia,
i found more advantages in utp..
but my heart feels that i belong to uia..
it's not again bcus of debate or anything..
i haven't found any concrete reason why i should leave utp n go to uia,
but my heart..
it's like an answer to my prayer..
i feel like i just belong there i dunno why..
and i, since haven't found the reason why i should leave utp,
discussed with my parents..
and much to my surprise,
my parents told me to follow what my heart says..
the answer to my istikharah..
they asked me to follow what Allah shows me..
and i told them about the job prospect n stuffs,
how utp is more beneficial than uia from my point of view and how i'm very confused why my heart is more inclined to uia..
it's not like my heart nk masuk uia..
it feels like something's calling me..
like hey, u belong here n ur now closer to a place that will give you peace and happiness..
it feels like that.
and my parents dgn sgt tenang told me..
xpelah sayang, rezeki along insyaAllah byk..
ikutla ptunjuk istikharah tu..
eventho it seems like if i msuk uia, my job prospect mcm x byk sgt n stuffs,
but my parents told me that Allah knows best and as His slaves, kita brserah je to His decision n go with the flow..
sgt tenang i tell you..
how my parents told me that..
and i was like x sng dduk and keep saying tapi utp is this this..
but idk y my heart mcm ni..
n i told them the wonders that i've experienced in utp..
but they told me to follow what my istikharah said..
and i know that in my life,
there are many things that i felt reluctant to choose,
but since it's what my istikharah/my parents' istikharah answers,
i followed it,
and it turns out to be way better than i expected..
because like i say,
Allah knows best..

and i just couldn't describe how peaceful i feel about uia..
it's like thinking about it just give me a sort of peacefulness..

so i'm considering one more day to do my istikharah once again..
cuz i really want to make sure about this..
then i'll make up my mind..
insyaAllah..

Lari

Probably aq nk lari dri dia jelah kan..
Apelah hidup ni
Asyik main lari2 jelah kan

the uns

because why.
because how.
because what.
because when.
because where.

i'm not teaching you to write essays.
i'm not teaching you the principles or what so ever.
i'm just wondering.
leave me cuz it's unnecessary.
it's just me again.
idk y idk how.
we're very the unexplainable.
i miss you.
i miss you too.
at the same time i do think of you.
how is this people.
what the even's happening i don't even know.
i just feel so undefinable.
the weirds and weirds keep happening.
and of course things get weirder.

because each has own purpose so each won't be left out

sick

i'm sick now and it almost 5 to 6 days i think..
and i cannot help myself from whining and sighing..
i miss my healthy body..
it makes me feel energetic, happy and optimistic..
but when i'm sick, it feels suck..
cuz i cannot breath properly,
i cannot eat like i used to,
i cannot have a good sleep,
my head aches because i'm lacking of oxygen..
it's too much.

but people always reminded me that sickness is kaffarah..
(kaffarah means a repayment for your sins..)
n the purpose of kaffarah is to wash your sins away...
which is a good thing..
being sick is a good thing because let's admit it,
we have committed tons of sins and there's no way we can pay for it unless He wants us to..
that's why He makes us sick in the first place..
because He loves us and before the Judgement Day comes,
He wants us to be all clean so we can enter Jannah..

there is one term i can't remember it right now, that we learn in AlQuran n AsSunnah which means that there are certain people who Allah gives them easiness and comfort to add their 'kesesatan'.. *can't find the right term sorry*
a simple example will be the Pharaoh.. Allah gives him immortality and he never fell sick during his lifetime simply because Allah wants to add his *kesesatan* since he is too arrogant to Allah.. Therefore Allah let him be among the lost people..

to relate back to the sickness,
if you fall sick or have difficulties then that's actually a GOOD thing because Allah wants to remind you, He wants you to get back to the right path and you should be REALLY REALLY grateful for it..

oh kay.
now onto my second point.
since sickness is kaffarah right..
so i kinda imagine it as an after-effect..
imagine, if you live in mud and dirt everyday,
you will eventually get sick isn't it?
same goes to this,
when you fall sick,
have you ever wondered how much you have sinned that you become as sick as this?
the sins are like the dirt..
you've sinned too much that's why you fall sick..
and when you recovered probably because the sins have been cleaned, like the dirt.. if you cleaned the dirt and kill all the bacteria then only you will be healthy again..
what a metaphor right?

so that's it for tonight.. i can't wait to get healthy again cuz i only have some days left before going back to utp and i REALLY REALLY want to spend my time happily with my family and being sick just makes me feel tired and weary to join them in their activities..
so i hope i'll recover soon..
assalamualaikum

breathless

Usually the nights will pass easily n quickly, but not last night..
It was different..
I cannot sleep even though my body felt so tired n my head ached..
I dunno why..
The flashbacks kept coming..
Haunting me with the fear of losing..
I was trying to tell myself that it was not an important matter,
But nothing changed..
My headache worsened, n then only i managed to tell my mind to stop..
But the after-effect was still painful...
I dunno how i managed to sleep last night but it was not a good sleep..
I felt troubled..
N waking up this morning, i feel so full with everything..
I feel breathless.

"People say we can control everything about ourselves, but i don't think it's true. My mood, my feelings, my emotions.. they change like an unexpected weather.. i wish i can alter it somehow"

if only we realize

tonight was such a touching night..
usually after our maghrib prayer, abah will either give us tazkirah or ask us to recite the Qur'an..
n tonight is the tazkirah night..
so usually i am a person who 'outspace' a lot..
i often get distracted and when i realize it, abah has already talk for several minutes n tht's the only moment i realize tht he's talking..
sometimes i can catch up with the tazkirah n sometimes i don't get it because it's half through already..
but tonight, same thing goes on and when i realize it,
abah is talking about blessings that we have..
specifically, our hearing sense..
it sounds very middle-school science right?
but listen first,

did u ever wonder what would you do or who would you be without these abilities?
i don't.. never before.. and because of that, i don't realize how great things are to me because of my perfect abilities..
my father caught my attention when he said:

"have u ever seen disabled people getting married with normal people? it's rare right? disabled people are for disabled people and normal people are for normal people because only then they will be able to understand each other and cope with life together"

that somehow stunted me..
i feel like, man.. i was born this way, no disabilities *physically* and i never realize how much all these abilities mean to me..
at that time i feel very grateful that Allah has made me this way..
and abah also told us that with our hearing ability,
we are able to listen to good things, understand knowledge, learn it and apply in our life..
that also stunted me..
i can listen well,
but what do i listen to all this time?
songs, gossips those crappy stuffs..
i mean it's not that we or i cannot listen to songs..
it's just that we should have limit to it and somehow there are better things that we can do with this ability..
so that's practically what i'm trying to say...

each of us was created with something..
to be used for the benefit of all..
even if ur handicapped, there must be something that you have..
everybody and each of us has it..at least one thing that ables us to contribute back to the ummah.. because He created us that way..
the thing is that,
what you have may not be what the others have..
so be grateful for it and use it wisely..

so i think that's it..
syakirah and my mom also share some interesting stories after the tazkirah but i'll keep it cuz idk haha..
nevertheless i hope this, at least inspires you to be a better person in life as much as it is to me..
that's all for today :D

TurnOver

Dear diary..
It's been quite some times since ive travelled n ventured into a different world..
N to me,
There r only little amusements in those worlds n a lot of confusions..
Those amusements r too little to satisfy me..
I guess now it's time to get back to the old path..
I wanna get back to my nature (fitrah),
I wanna believe n surrender..
I wanna feel safe n secure..
I wanna feel calm n blessed..

I believe that's the only way to make me feel happy n satisfied..
InsyaAllah

"Ssungguhnya hati2 itu (hati2 org yg beriman) hanya akan tenang dgn mengingati Allah"

Notes

Dont take my thoughts n entries seriously cuz my thoughts n i change most of the times. Sometimes because of moodswing or because i'm impersonating the other person to feel what they feel.. that's y sometimes it's not really what i feel but my emotions are affected when i imagine myself to be in their place :)

I enjoy that.
Putting myself in ones place n let my imaginations flow. It could hurt too sometimes but i like humans :D

They said chase ur dreams but i

I have a failed dream.
Washed by the sea.
Crushed by the ocean.
It was gone.
Nothing was like i've ever imagined.
I guess it's because the world is worsening.
N we're lacking of choice.

We r stucked at the narrow road.
Only able to follow the flow.
N getting out and flying aren't really a choice.

I probably have deceived myself.
The choice i made wasn't really my choice.
It hurts to think about it.
But to go against them is the last thing i wanna do.

To the parents we shall lower our heart,
As they've done everything n rarely do they ask for something.
So what else can i give to them rather than fulfilling it?
Besides, i believe that they know best