He

If only fairytale exists.
Where everything that i hoped for will come true.

I havent written anything for a while and i might suck at it that now i read very little.
However.
I miss writing.
I miss putting my thoughts into sequence.
My own sequence.
The kind of.
When you read it.
It is full of imperfections but still, beautiful to read.
Thats how i perceive my weird language, at least. Heheh.

So it s been a while.
And i have been thinking for a while too.
Tonight i feel like.
Caging my thoughts, keeping it to myself, wont do.
I will get haunted and always, not content.

When i let out things and people accept it the way it is.
I feel like the world is my bestfriend.
Because it agrees with me.
Lighting up with happiness when im happy as well.
Thats how i feel.

But this relentless chase.
And chaos days.
Never bother me than the tought that,

#writersblock

Home. 4th May 2016

Of the sleepless nights,
Of the unavoidable thoughts,

The scare, the fear,
The urge of running away,
Escaping.

A sleep would be very necessary now.
A sleep would put a stop to all of these.
But why couldn't i have it when i need it the most.

And then comes the thoughts of going somewhere else,
You know.
Just talking to someone about all these creeping thoughts
About that person who scares me
About that person that ive fallen in love of since 2014
About everything.
So small, so little, but still matters.

And listening to the thoughts from all of you would definitely make me feel better.
Would at least make me feel secure.

Because,
You guys are the most comfortable to be around with.
You guys.
Are the closest definition of home,

Where my heart feels it most belongs,
Where when i reside, im no longer searching for home

-Home. 00:11, 4th May-

of heartbreaks

It was evening.
The moment she told me that.
My heart breaks.

She then texted me, are you okay?
i said yes, of course, but the truth is tears are rolling down my cheeks.

and i realize, that is the moment when.
my heart breaks,
and it's not your fault,
cuz i break it on my own.
it feels like i've been stabbed,
hard, sakit.
tapi takpe,
certain things do need time,
and this one too, needs time to heal.

i better be careful next time.

I thought.

I thought.
Friends would make me happy.
They did. But finally, they go away

I thought.
If my dreams and imaginations come true,
I would be happy.
But more and more i think about it, more and more unrealistic it appears to be.
I mean..
How long must it take for me to earn enough to be able to feel happy and what if Allah loves me and takes my breath away?
Then i am never happy on earth because i haven't lived the life that would make me happy.

I thought. Good grades would make me happy.
They did. Tremendously. But then i become too proud that i took all the credits to my own.
And then He took it away, so that i learn,
That without His approval,
I am a nobody.

But tonight.
I thought.
I found happiness.
In these small-small little things in life.
The kind of things that nobody would highlight in conversations,
The kind of things that nobody would want to brag about.
Because they are small and sometimes, not tangible.
It is weird.
But they make me feel happy in and out.

P/s: The real happiness to me, is when, deep down inside, you are filled with gratitude and pleasure. And simply feel at ease and happy.

Dont take my words seriously. Im jovial at times, and most jovial because of those 3 reasons but. The feeling is different. If i'm happy because of those three, i feel euphoric and just too happy and then it's gone. But the last one that i found, is very calming. It's the kind of happiness that put me at ease

Thanks for reading!

new semester!

so. i'm finally able to continue writing on my blog!

gosh it feels so good, just to imagine that finally i can come up with a post.

well actually there have been a LOT of drafted posts. either i wrote it halfway and i got stuck in the middle orr, i simply don't think it's a good read for you guys. (plus all the cheesey things, ahem, please excuse the 19 y/o munierah) #TypicalNewYearThing but before that, happy new year guys! 

there might be a lot of reasons for me not to publish my writing even though i sometimes wrote them very passionately. like the feelings were there, anger and all, and i'm quite sure if you read it, you'll sort of can understand how i feel. but no. as far as i can restrain myself, munierah will try to not write negative things because things that you publish stay permanent. your feelings don't. it will change, bad things will pass. so i think it's best to just put that kind of feeling aside instead of making it permanent by telling everybody. because when you tell everybody it is as if you can't let go. and even when at one time, you've finally able to let go, people around you, who read about it will always remember your history or past, you know. which sometimes they might bring it up or just have some sorts of perceptions towards you. so that's that.

well, i have more things to babble on that particular one issue but lets not be boring.

so onto the real topic, my sem break is almost over (in few more days) and believe it or not, i'm more than thrilled to start this new semester, hopefully this enthusiasm can last up till i finish my semester and not that 'hot-hot chicken shit' type. (you know what i mean, it's a malay proverb and no mom, i'm not cursing on public).

well, let me tell you what's been happening this past few days before new sem begins

1st, i've won harvey norman online contest (yay!) , and i received a RM 100 voucher. and you knowlah how crazy i am when it comes to shopping but,, it needs to be collected at petaling jaya which my parents said is not worth the journey. you know travelling there just to pickup my RM100 voucher. but nevertheless, i still have high hopes (and also pray) that they might change their mind and would drive me there because i've won a voucher! bukan selalu okay,, seorang munierah nak menang cabutan bertuah masa tadika pun susah inikan lagi voucher harvey norman. i'm not that lucky when it comes to this kind of thing so i x percaya lah luck2 ni tapi saja2 masuk then menang. that's so wow hahahahah

2nd, i'm currently not in a good health condition alas my parents disapproval for me to drive and collect my voucher on my own. (SO ANYYBODY WHO'S GOING TO PJ PLEASE PLEASE TELL ME K. I DO APRECIATE IT HAHAHA) so, it's just a week before new semester began and i got sick because i think the weather nowadays has gone haywire. yelah the earth is not healthy and so am i. and i do have this medical history that is widely understood by my family that whenever, and whenever, i finally got sick. it may happen for a quite challenging period. like kalau pergi pku upm,  they have my medical history cuz i always went there, and it has always been the same sakit. okay, mula2 sakit tekak, then selesema then demam and lastly batuk. and it didn't stop there. sometimes, after batuk then sakit tekak balik then there goes the cycle. the shortest period for me to fully recover is usually 1 week but selalunya, it didn't happen that way. it will keep cycling and pernah sekali tu. i ran out of my ubat batuk, go to pku again and you know, i went there 3 times for 3 weeks. satu minggu satu doktor and a list of ubat. habes. went there another week, met another doctor and they gave me different ubat and it happened for 3 weeks then, i, alhamdulillah finally recovered. so dah biasa dah. no worry. i just hope people would understand my health condition more, you know you can't be very productive when you're sick and i can't skip classes sampai 3 minggu so at that time i would probably be a zombie so i do hope people understand (but i don't mind lah, we can't force people to understand our condition and as long as my family understands me, then i'm okayy, i'm loved by my family, that's all that i should know)

3rd, so recently we bought this 2 litres milk from giant and surprise2, it turned sour before it's expiry date and i've read an issue regarding this particular brand before, there has been this 'milk turned sour before expiry date' issue, and they were really sorry because it happened that they got their yogurt mixed up with the original fresh milk hence, the sour taste, so they refunded all the previous customer. but i still buy their milk anyway (regardless that issue) because, it's a MALAYSIAN dairy products brand and i know they work super hard for the milk production ( i've read the CEO's letter to one of the unsatisfied customers). so even with the controversy, i still buy their milk and here are 3 more reasons why i am supporting their business:

1) it does taste good (yay)

2) they dont put preservatives in it (health wise is definitely a yay)

3) packaging is the most beautiful-convincing milk bottle in the whole supermarket. like if i'm searching for a yogurt drink, there has been only this brand that stands out from the others. besides dia mmg sedap. i'm a fan of yogurt drinks and i've tried a lot of them and this one doesn't make me feel fat hahahah (how does that make sense) , because, it's not too sweet like the rest so i'm convinced that they don't put lotsss of sugar in it which is nice, and I LOVE IT.

CANTEK KAN? BEST PACKAGING EVER

but my mom does want her money to be refunded and as the person who put this milk in our trolley at giant, i am responsible of everything ha ha. but it's okaylah i like making phone calls anyway, so i called them just now, describing the milk condition and all, they were really sorry and they would refund the money by online banking. actually, i pity them, like a lot of milk bottles must be affected by this yogurt thing and they would need to refund all of them. and that wouldn't sustain a business for a long time if it keeps happening. but I LOVE farm fresh. so even if my family wouldn't favor this brand anymore, i would always, opt for this one because i freaking love your product and i want you to sustain for years that even when i'm old, i can still go to the market and get myself a freaking pretty bottle of my one and only favorite yogurt drink :)

okay, so i'm telling this in case you guys didn't know about that issue. but you are free to have your own opinion, like my parents and sisters. we have different perspectives. my sister reason is we need to be savvy2 so we can't keep splurging our money on things that we can't even consume. but i'm that boros and patriotic type yang always x kesah, asalkan i know they have put efforts in it, and their products pun bagus kan so i'm gonna keep supporting them.

well that's surely a long entry i can't even relate it to my new semester post anymore hahah. but regardless anything that has happened or might happen in the future, i am very enthusiastic to start my new sem. i began to love my new faculty too. and im proud of it. 

i like this kind of feeling. when you finally love the place, you'll become attached to it, like there's a bond between you and the place. and in my opinion. that will eventually, change everything. at least i'm that type of person, when i love something, everything turns to be very sentimental to me, so i will be this happy happy munierah. but when i resist to love something like when i was in sem 1, i become all this depressed munierah and no no. xnak dah stress2 sem 2 ni. i might die soon and i wanna die as a person who is able to show her gratitude to her God. Because,

so that's it!

thanks for reading :)

xoxo
Munierahkay

Noise

And when the migraine kicks.
There's no 1 or 2, or knocks at the door.
It just comes, uninvited, unexpected and stings like a bee.
Not sure really about the cause.
Sometimes chest pain hits hard too.
But i can still have all my common stimuli works so i dont really make noise about it.
Inhaler comes very efficiently during those days. That is something i'm sure about.
But this migraine. I'm really worried.

Worst day?

Today is the worst day of my life.
But getting thru this day, i realized that i didnt walk alone.
A lot of ppl hve been really supportive and i just realized all that.
Thank you

life isn't half as bad

life isn't half as bad. that's what i feel right now. few seconds ago, i was on my phone, ranting about life, how unhappy i am and how stressful i was. and now here i am, saying that life isn't half as bad. girls huh? it's complicated.

anyhow, i do feel empty sometimes because my used-to-be sheer joy, pure luck and happiness aren't with me right now. i mean, life during asasi is amazing like h amazing, but then now it's different. sometimes i told myself, hey, just because it's different, doesn't mean it's not good. but when i met them (my squad utama during asasi) yesterday, k13 roommates and few classmates, you can't even tell how nostalgic it was and how elated i was in that few minutes that we spent together. i said it spontaneously, eh aq rasa happyla kita dpt kmpul camni. and i meant it. but after it was over, i suddenly realized that everything turned to be different now.

No Nik, No Sopeh, No Hazirah, No Syasya, No my 'anak2', No everybody that i love so much and looked forward to see everyday when i was in asasi. and i went back home (missing the GOOD old times) and unfortunately, there was a problem with my scholarship and i felt so worried like this just made the whole thing appeared so ugly at the same time. and i started to look at our old pictures and memories, the moment we sang together, it brought up so many feels. and suddenly i had so much hatred in me. like why this? why must things change when it has been so good??

and all those imperfections in degree life hit me one by one. suddenly semua benda rasa x kena. i feel so mad, so bad, so sad.

but then i thought about everything so far in my degree life, putting away those crappy stuffs like my college or people that i dislike for their irresponsibilities. I thought that hey munierah, you know what? your life isn't half as bad. you see, what are you doing right now? you're learning mathematics. LIKE PURELY MATHEMATICS. Things that you love so much. And you always said that if math is a human, you would definitely marry math. so then what's the big deal? and i remembered the moments i sat in class, learning calculus and algebra, and i tell you, i can't be distracted by anything except sandwiches and pizzas when it's already 1 hour and 30 mins. I love learning math and i'm learning it now. that's 1!

and then, i have azi, qadar, shy, ecah, acap, ara to help me study now. they have been very helpful and i couldn't thank them more. i even have a study group now! my focus on life has finally shifted to my study other than having fun and shopping. (YAY)

and i also finally get a 'kawan kepit'. i never like has a kawan kepit before. kawan kepit is like just sorang kawan yg brkepit je dgn kita utk pergi mana2. selalunya i'm in a gang. dari skolah smpai asasi i always has a gang cus ain't it fun kecoh2 bersama? tapi degree ni, i feel okaylah i was blessed with a kawan kepit that can teman me anywhere, makan sesama, masuk kelas sesama. so i'm happy.

and the best part wasss i tersalah tengok due date assignment. i thought it is tomorrow but rupanya two more weeks :') THIS is probably the best thing so far hahahahah.

so enough with all those rants. life has been wonderful. my hormones are the one which are getting screwed up (probably because i've gained some weight again and i'm unhappy about it heh) but anyhow, my life okay sebenarnya. i mean, of course there are some bumpy roads along the ride, but if i keep driving, it will just be fine. it isn't half as bad you see?

so i'm gonna balik kolej happily tonight herherher

[most of these pictures aren't related to my feelings right now, but i came across it and i think it's beautiful so i feel like sharing so here you go :) ]

when you guys partied, i gave up my sleep for my dreams -nadhrah-

so i haven't updated anything and anything.
but i force myself to start with something because all we need is just a beginning for something to keep happening.

quick update,
i have continued my upside down degree life for 3 weeks now,
and i was inspired when i saw this on one of my maahad friend's bio, her name is nadhrah. thanks nadhrah :)

it was written:

"when you guys partied, i gave up my sleep for my dreams"

and i was very inspired i tell ya.

entering degree, there are a lot to think about, and to dream about.

i want to make some of them come true and also shed off the unnecessary dreams (u know the berangan part)

because i need to focus. like that's all it take to succeed. but my focus is diverged apparently because if you really know me through my previous life, i was so playful, always think about shopping, skincare, shoes, bags. All the unnecessary stuffs and now i'm resetting my motherboard or whatever they called it in ICT class and trying to program it correctly so i can be on a constant pursuit of love, happiness and future. yep all written on my header. but future is the most important chase currently.

i just thought and imagined myself in few more years, where i'll stand and i'm freaking paranoid if i couldn't make it. yes, ppl make mistakes and sometimes they can recover bla bla. but if i can get it right, starting from now, insyaAllah at the end of the day, i believe that things will just be greater. i mean my pathway of life. great start, great effort will produce great result. but of course, i need to be consistent.

that's one thing.

for happiness, even though for now i don't seem happy yet. but i believe when all the efforts are paid, the feelings will be priceless. i wanna feel satisfied with myself and 4 years later when i graduated, i wanna look back and say hey, i do not regret every single step that i took when i was a freshie, listening to my mom's advice, changing my program, went through all the hustle bustle, sacrificing all the fun things in college because now, it feels so worth it.
and of course at that time, i, wanna hear people saying again,

"you must have made your parents proud"

and i do want to see them smiling proudly when the day comes and i also want to hear them saying that they bless everything that i've done in my life because as a daughter, i have satisfied them. :)

for love, that one. it's complicated yet difficult. so i am very aware and careful right now. one misleading step might lead to disasters to all my dreams. my dreams always come first. but i do wanna learn more about love in life now, like the love towards Allah, my lovely parents, family and friends.

so the conclusion is, I DON'T KNOW ABOUT YOUR DREAMS but no matter at which point that you're standing in life right now, you MUST have a dream, so CHASE it. put effort into it, sacrifice, and every time you feel like you're going to give up, remember the reasons why you want to have it so much and imagine when you finally ACHIEVE it. it will all be worth it, the pain, tears, sacrifices, all of them

remember, big dreams require big efforts, goodnight and assalamualaikum :))

Experience (i)

Nak berubah tu memang susah kan?
Ya ampun berliku gila simpang dia.
Lagilah bila benda yg kita selalu buat tu dh jadi kebiasaan atau 'norm' masyarakat hari ni.
Rasa macam biasa.
And, memang x nampak islam tu kat environment jadi susah betul nak bayang macam mana n apelah yang dimaksudkan dgn biah solehah (islamic environment)

Tapikan.
Hari tu, bila ustaz tu tegur dengan tegas,bab hukum2 ni..
Memang. Memang sama sebijik dengan apa yg blaja kat maahad dulu tapi x buat bila dh masuk u.
N bila ustaz tu tegur,
Tersentap dia ya Allah.
Macam sebijik kena tampar kat muka. Bak hang sungguh.

Pastu rasa macam, this is it.
Keyakinan tu datang dengan sangat kuat.
Sebelum ni ada jugaklah rasa macam nk improve kan.. nak islah..
Tapi x sampai benda tu..
And hri tu bila luahkan kat kwn maahad,
Dia kata..
Semoga kau diberi taufiq.
And i'm like, ape beza taufiq ngan hidayah ni?
Pastu kawan tu cakap, hidayah tu petunjuk; dari segi ilmu, kau dapat ilmu tu, tahu mana betul n mana salahnya..
Taufiq pulak; kekuatan untuk kau lakukan benda tu.. contohnya, improve cara jaga aurat kau.. camtulah..
And i'm like amin..

And alhamdulillah..
Hari tu, malam tu.
Aq rasa cukup dengan smua dunia2 things.
Rasa macam sudahlah lalai2 ni.
X kemana and aq rasa hidup aq x tenang.
Lagi satu,
Aq nak jadi baik.
Kalau x dapat lengkap pun, aq nak cuba.

So first step aq, aq try delete dlu gmba2 kat insta..
Lama dah nak buat tapi bila tengok gmba2 masterpiece tu.. sayanglah pulak..
Tapi teringat bila ustaz tu cakap psl jaga pandangan..
Bila letak gamba kat insta dll mcm mana opposite gender nak jaga pandangan kan?
Sebab kita dah letak situ untuk ditatap.
So aq pun take down n tak fikir dah.
Delete delete delete.

Ok dari situ aq dh tolong opposite gender kt insta aq utk jaga pandangan dorg.
Tapi aq pulak? Kena jaga pandangan gak en.
Okay. Lepas tu aq unfollow pula account2 opposite gender dkt insta.
Hatta fernando torres sekalipun. (Dialah yg aq 1st unfollow sobs sobs)
Sebab torres x torres, pandangan kena jaga.
Pastu aq pn blockla account2 opposite2 gender ni..
N follower n following mmg trun ranaplah.
Bukan nak cerita pasal banyak ke sikit.
Tapi, rasa cam wuish banyak jugak dlu aq follow opposite gender ni.
N byk jugakla aq allow dorg tgok gamba2 before ni.
Mohon dosa lalu diampunkan. Amin.

Lepas tu,
Tengok ramai jugak kawan2 sekeliling yang nak improve diri masing2..
N x semena2 aq rse terharu n tenang..
Alhamdulillah Dia beri taufiq serentak kat kami semua..
N bila masing2 sama2 improve, rasa nak istiqomah n perbaiki diri tu lagi kuat.
Sebab kdg2 rse gak nak mcm dlu ke ape en, tp bila tgok kwn2 pn berubah, rasa macam seronoknyalah misi menjadi baik ni..
Sbb buat ramai2..
Fefeeling girls power gitu.

Ha sbnrnya sje share cerita ni.. xde niat lain2.. kalau ikutkan pjg lagi ceritanya.. tapi disharekan mana yg sempat kerana hendak menjalankan tugas sebagai khalifah di muka bumi ini dengan sifat tabligh (menyampaikan). Dakwah tu harus disampaikan.. dulu rasa macam x penting tanggungjawab ni.. pandang ringanlah jugak.. sebab yelah prinsip jangan jaga tepi kain orang..

Tapi salah tu sebenarnya..
Ada mereka yang nak berubah..
Yang nak cari jalan berubah..
Tapi x jumpa caranya..
Macam aq dulu?
Sebab tu kita kena jalankan tugas, sampaikan apa yang betul tu kepada semua..
Macam ustaz tu..
Kalaulah malam tu aq x dengar ceramah dia, mungkin aq still x yakin sepenuhnya untuk tinggalkan benda2 yang tak patut tu..

Sebab hukum Allah tu, kadang2 kita x tahu sebab dia, kenapa kena macam tu.. n kita rse macam xnaklah.. sebab mcm xbest..
N becus of that, aq nak share skit conversation aq dgn umi..

**Dengan umi aq mmg jujur je luah pendapat sbb aq nak jawapan n aq tahu umi selalu beri jawapan yg betul walaupun kadang2 bukan yg aq mahu..**

Aq tanya umi..
"kenapa xleh kawan ngn lelaki?
Dlm kelas tu dh macam family dh.. share ilmu masing2 dsbg. Xde rse mcm pelik2 ke ape pun.."

N umi jawab dgn tenangnya..
"sayang.. dalam dunia ni, banyak benda kita x tahu.. tapi Allah dah suruh, jadi kita buat jelah.. itu yg terbaik utk diri kita.."

N aq pun akur.. n bila fikir2 balik.. sbnrnya bila tgok org2 yg warak2 ni kan.. yg jaga tingkah laku dia..
Nampak ada nur kat muka tu.. nampak tenang je.. n aq fikir2 sebenarnya bila kita akur dengan kehendak Allah.. hukum2 Dia.. hati kita akan lebih tenang.. bcus we sacrifice our bad practice for a better life, hidup yang Allah janjikan, terbaik untuk kita.

Hmm thats all for tonight.. insyaAllah aq hrp kita smua akn saling tlg satu sama lain utk menjadi lebih baik.. ur actions inspire me and the rest so keep up the good deeds.. take a baby step xpe.. mula skit2.. and aq pun sbnrnya despite nak berubah kdg2 ada terbuat jugak yg lama2.. tapi cuba untuk x buat.. n banyak jugak lagi yg kena improve so mana salah silap tu tegurlah.. insyaAllah akan cuba slow2..

Semoga tenang.

.

Diary of the broken heart
Aching soul

Fetching all the misery
From the furthest road

It is not beautiful
Blanket made of shattered glass
Stretched-out wood becomes my pillow

The pain is there
And i feel numb

Happiness also watches
But i cant reach her

What is life made of
If the composition is sour and bitter
Fire and tears
Battles and failures
Blood and deaths

So efed up

Heh.

At what point will a critism be useful?
At what point the time spent on critising others won't be useless?
Tell me.

Cus life keeps rotating,
You keep aging,
And rotting,
Become more n more unimportant to the society,
And soon one day,
Ur not in the league anymore,
U wont fit in.
Ur just an old lady n nobody cares.

Now tell me,
The part when you chase your fame,
Does it lead you somewhere?
Somewhere just a lil bit there?
A place that you always rave about?
That even if you don't say, it shouts?
Really?

No?

Maybe?

Stop it.
Its too much n im sick seeing fake people.
Faking life everywhere.
I dont care if ur life is miserable.
Dont show it.
Who are you to think that ur life is just a lil bit worse than others?
Who are you to keep on ranting on things that weren't even yours?

Sometimes. I keep my distance.
I draw the lines.
But please don't make me feel sick.
Don't make other people feel sick like everything is about you,

Dear.
U'll age.
U'll wrinkle.
Who knows when?
So stop being so snobbish.
The world isn't yours and just about you.

Burritos

I love them all.
If i can, i wanna wrap them in my burrito n bring them anywhere.
I want to have them, i mean us, together all the time.
Because i like it.
I like how different everybody is, that it makes a perfect family.
I love them in a burrito.

life worries

i think, the scariest part of growing up is when you realize that you're not in school anymore and whenever you go there, things have become so much difference and you saw people growing up and new people coming in. it's too much feel to put in words. it's scary.

i never realize that time moves too fast until this happened and tomorrow i'm going to continue my last semester for foundation and after that, we'll be apart. i might not see naz syam n razeen come late to class anymore, i might not hate and argue with syam often. i might not get annoyed with nik and always nag her to accompany me whenever i wanna go somewhere. i might not even scream when syasya is being cute because i'm against it and i might also miss my conversations with copeh which truly fun and entertaining and i might miss hazirah's gossips too. and the rest of my classmates. it takes a long time to write but i'll miss something about each of them if we're apart one day.

on another level, it doesn't appear shocking to me anymore. this whole parting stuffs. i mean it does upset me, but it's just that, i'm growing up too fast and i'm afraid. i'm afraid of the need to really grow up, stop nagging and start being independent. i want to stay manja with my friends, mengada2 and still be happy. but i realize that it's not going to happen. working life is coming soon. money issues too. it's scary. and above all that, i'm afraid of death.

it's hard to even say this out loud. it's like all these thoughts are stuck in my throat and i'm suffocating to death. i probably even feel like throwing up. it's too much. i wanna tried to cherish my 19 age. the last moment to become kids even though they said that the time is up whenever you've reached 18. but all these haunting thoughts are too much, i feel like i'm wasting my time by having too much fun because sooner, i'll become old, i'll wrinkle and i will become incapable of lots of things. I even wonder how i'll fit in the new societies when they fancy over new technologies and i will be left behind clueless just like oldies nowadays. it'll be really hard to swallow all these.

i don't know why suddenly i felt like this. probably because of my recent visit to maahad and meeting the juniors... i don't know. i feel like sedarlah diri, you dah tua. it's hard and scary. i hope somehow, i can make this short young time beneficial before it's over, i wanna be a successful bright young woman and make my parents proud of my maturity when facing life difficulties. i want to do all these before the time comes and all they can say is, "you're old enough and you should do whatever you think is right, we will not interfere your life choice" rather than, "you have made a good choice in your life and for your future, we're proud of you."

adios 2014 bienvenido 2015

So Hi and Assalamualaikum.
it's been a while since i've written anything here.
well tbh, i do miss writing, it feels lively to talk about something with full enthusiasm and passion.

2014 has been quite a year for me.
it felt good at certain part then it tumbledown and crashed until the end of 2014.
it was a heart-breaking year for malaysians too.
but i guess i will only tell about the good parts :)
um where do i start?

first, i was accepted as a student at utp and only God knows how grateful and happy i was.
getting to enter uni earlier than anybody else.
i felt as if my life is all about studying like there's no break at all.

first time going to the pasar malam n got left by the bus pastu mcm nak nanges sbb xtau cana nk balik

buruk beno tgkap gamba camni. lepas ni taubat dah. btw this is us, maahad--utp. lps tu smua kluar hahaha

csr - utp always emphasizes on a well-rounded student

i don't live here but this is the only picture that we managed to take before aem left utp

so that's my early moments of entering utp, there are lots of 'susah senang' there because i was far from my family and i think i was very independent at that time. at that time jelah kan.

and then, we also had the drama coursework, due to the pengecut thingy, i settled for narrator and here it goes, The DAY~

#FikriTheMakeupArtist

and drama honestly was quite interesting, my favorite part is 'making the prop part' i'm so proud of my fire (pic on instagram) and sometimes i thought it would be merrier if jat could join us cus she left after about 3 weeks there and now she's in china (wow). 

and the interesting part of all this drama thingy was getting to know these people which at first, i never realized their presence in the class until "hi, korang x cukup ahli kumpulan lg eh?" and the ice breaking part ; epul, fik, azri, hasni, wan, aimi and nina

and then there's my girls, all together 9 persons but me and firaz decided to leave utp after we got offered to cfs, 

some of them aren't present during our night n this is my cafe; V5 Cafe a.k.a cafe ikan keli :D

dorang ni mmg kawan susah senang, and masing2 lawak gila banyak sangat dah tules appreciation pasai depa kat insta :D

so that's the end of my utp fraction, oh before i forgot, i joined debate for a while (yay!)

we debated at mcD in the morning depan2 orang tgh breakfast babe-so hardcore punyalah XD

and zulaikha (that tudung merah) is my debate bae/bae makan maggi malam2 XD

otw to mcD for debate with trisya

so done with utp, i left utp with a 3.54 gpa for my semester one.

and my spm result was out, i left utp and went to uia,

after all the sweat and tears, we managed to smile and be thankful to Allah :)

and then cfs iium happened, i don't have many pictures of it but in short, i left because i was not a survivor at that time, so i went to upm, and in upm, i've not just gained friends, but family :)

yang melompat tu budak darjah satu 

amali pertanian is not just about cangkul and tanah, sometimes it involves cendawan and selfie

my love, my life :)

our first family day :)

i started pretty well at upm, my sem 1 result was okay but then maybe because i was too sure and confident of myself,
He wanted to save me. He didn't want me to turn out as a cocky person, maybe person yang lupa tuhan.
so then, my sem 2 didn't turn out well, with the results and everything.
berapa kali rasa nak nanges, nak quit, nak give up.
rasa like why everything turned out to become otherwise?
i thought it's going to be a smooth ride.
sedih.
sedih.
sedih.
kecewa.
kecewa.
kecewa.
lalai.
lalai.
lalai.

but then... lama lps tu.. i fikir2..
and bila cuti sem.. i kinda get to redha of what He decided for me..
i realize that it is the best for me.
He planned it that way, not to hurt me, but to let me learn and realize that everything is His. and therefore, i shall not be proud of myself or my success because everything came from Him and i am just nothing. thanks Allah for making me realize that before it was too late :)


so all in all, i've finished 2 semesters in upm now and going to continue my 3rd semester next week. I'm glad He showed me the way and make me realize all that. so i'm all gear up for 3rd sem, my last sem with the family and also, hopefully as a new person for 2015.

pernah tak

Pernah x rasa, unable to love something?
xde perasaan?
heartless and emotionless?
trying to fake feelings because you know that you're a freaking human,
because you want to feel,
you want to be happy.
pernah x?

Midnight Note and Night Changes, of course ;)

She asked me; how was it? and whether i've been studying.
and i told her, i wanna take a break and i'm tired thinking about my study.
"don't quit, don't give up." she read me well.
i'm just tired and don't wanna talk about this at the moment. maybe next time, i said
and she understood. then there's a brief goodbye.

looking at everything,
how solid the time is.
how things changed,
how ups and downs possessed the wheel,
i was completely astounded.

i wanna freeze the time,
but growing up is a good thing too.

hang in there sweetheart,
we'll go with the flow,
i said.
what happened are meant to be lessons,
don't worry much as He has everything planned,
just work and try your best.

#MidnightNote

how sweater season turns to be and of being introverted

mom is always amazed of my "non-stop and won't stop communicating" skills,
she believes that she's an introvert and as we all know,
an introvert does find difficulties in social situations furthermore when it comes to people that they aren't familiar with.
but i think my mom isn't that bad at social skills though, maybe a little bit but i do honestly think, introverts and their extreme honesty are necessary in our life because the world is too full of deception.

so, there's that,
mom said i am obviously an extrovert and then i figured out that there's also a mix of introvert and extrovert which is ambivert.
but after taking test and as what my mom recommended, i discover that i am extrovert.
so why does this matter so much?

here's from a point of an extrovert *if i'm really one of them*
we get tired.
we get tired trying to be nice and suppressing our real thoughts on things sometimes simply because we care a LOT about our relationships with people.
because we believe that relationships are the one which keep us going,
which keep our life lively.
but to a certain extend,
sometimes we wish that others will have feelings too.
meaning, would understand or at least try to be in our shoes.
considering the facts that we seemed to be cool and easygoing and don't care about stuffs,
but we're actually humans like you guys too.
be logical and sensible when it comes to our belongings,
be polite and careful with jokes,
because we're humans too.

i get tired from relationships and decided to have some break.
just having my sweater season by reducing my social interactions with people and it's quite hard because sometimes you just wanna talk and talk and people acts are amusing!
they are funny, people are incredible but i just wanna put it aside
because i believe that when we started to open up we will eventually let both things mix up, the bad jokes and good jokes, bad acts and good acts, those stuffs.
and we'll get hurt because obviously you need to pay for what you get,

so i'm thinking about the introverts.
how lucky they are to have just a small group of really highly trusted people around them and to not have to face hurtful things by people who aren't even close to them.
although it sounds lonely and boring, but it is adequate enough to have a small life and enjoy the little things around you.
at least that's what i think.
about being socially awkward, i can't comment on that because i, when sometimes become awkward in situations, will also feel uneasy and just don't prefer that kind of personality.
so that's that.

and after resting from social network which is mainly just twitter where i have lots of *friends* that i'm *closed* with,
i feel lonely but i keep books as my company.
whenever i feel boring with nothing to do and people to talk to,
i pick my book and it sorts of make me feel better.
SO extroverts, book is a good substitute for people when you wanna take a break.
it distracts you from the fact that you feel like you have nobody when you don't talk to them on twitter and stuffs.
macam tulah.

so i've successfully finished the rosie project thru my sweater season,
i kinda bring it anywhere and read it in between class and whenever i have nothing to do, which is a good point because i don't have to worry if i screw up my relationship with certain people because all i need to do is pick up my book and ignore my environment without feeling hurt or depressed.
and also, reading book is much better because it adds up your knowledge and restrain yourself from talking unnecessary things which you always do when you talk to other people.

so all in all, i can cope trying to be an introvert but i still keep my relationship with people running on, just that i reduced the numbers and i try to improve my relationships more on reality rather than social media because i believe that people in reality are more real and important.
i have fun, having smaller groups to care and connect to,
and also have more things to think and ponder since i read books (YAY!)
so all in all it was okay and i view this as a changing season,
like before a climate change,
you kind of need to sort things out and it'll get better.
i believe it is the right thing to do at the moment because i can see some improvement on my emotions and feelings and also when it becomes better, i am at a rational state to value and weigh things, finding motivations and priorities to keep my life goes on.
i also slowly fix my relationship with people because when we let things be the way they are,
it will slowly rotate and find an equilibrium state. *physics phew*

now i'm currently reading the last song, but still going on slowly because i'm too hype up because i have 4 days for holidays and have been hibernating ever since heheh,
so good luck in whatever you do in life, what ever you're looking for, i hope you will find it.

xoxo, munierahkay ;)

the weather is a cold sweater

ive just finished my last paper yesterday for test 2 and my final exam is coming in 2 more weeks.
it is hectic and i guess people also get affected.
people seem stress or not cheerful like they used to be.
and i saw that in myself too.
its like everything is about exam and it keeps coming one after another.
its hard tho.
and after going through some phase that i told before,
i find myself in a sweater season.
the one that you've become lonely,
shutting down people in your life,
trying to figure out things,
and just be there on your bed,
doing nothing.

its a leisure on the other hand to not think about my study for a moment
because physics chem n bio are just hard this time
not to mention calculus and computer too
i dunno whether i havent studied enough (which obviously could be the point)
or its really hard.

so figuring things in my sweater mood,
i am deadly wanna go back home and get two of my favorite cutiepies.
like seriously im dying to outcast myself from the world and immerse in romance books.
i love it.
i just find that romance book is simple yet it gives you a better perspective on your life and
its just like happiness paved along your path.

i need them.
but people have been busy so im not sure when can i get them and.
i have interclass netball match tomorrow and cant go back home.
so yeah.
i wish it is today that i can have them in my room.
reading with high enthusiasm while being lazy on my bed.
just stay in my room and not opening a single book because i want a break.

wait for me love