Sunday, October 8, 2017


so, i'm having an exam tomorrow and days after and all that i can say is,
life is pretty hectic.
more, when i'm not a person who would easily conform to things that i just don't feel that it's right.
you know, to have peace in your heart, sometimes you need to give in.
but in the current part of life that i'm in now,
there are other things that i'm fighting for.
like, while i'm at it now,
while i still have courage,
while i'm loud,
i feel that i must fight for it.
and i might cross some lines because of my loudness,
i admit that.
like i wish i'm perfect that the only things i did, are the right ones.
but no, i'm not and will never be.
and because of that.
no matter how loud,
how regretful i am at the end of the day,
for whatever reason it is.
i tried my best to pick myself up and you know,
telling myself how learning is a neverending process.
cuz honestly, growing up is a pressure.
like you feel like you're an adult, fitting in or being invisible while influential people do bad things are a trend.
like if you stand up for things,
if it goes right, the you're lucky.
if it doesn't then you're doomed.
but for whatever reason it is.
i pray to Allah for courage to voice out,
to change things,
to not comply with other's ideology when it's against mine.

and i've had a lot of stuffs that have been going on as well.
balancing social, debate and study life is not as simple as i thought it will be.
like the visible factors, i'm already expecting it.
but, the others like not being able to spend much time with people who want to spend time with me, is troubling sometimes.
like i have 24 hours just like everybody.
my health is not in a good state eventho it might not show.
i woke up every day, staring at myself, my eyes, my lips, my skin.
i wondered.
when will i have sufficient sleeps that my dark circles will naturally heal.
when will i be healthy enough to be able to eat anything without worrying about my skin breaking out and my nose become runny and my breathing becomes difficult, and the other side effects.
i wonder when will the days where i won't have to depend on medicine, worrying whether i should worry more about my allergies or my kidneys.

then i put on lipstick, tinted spf, powder em all, and hey, i looked less dead.
when i look less dead in the mirror,
i feel happier to go to class.
eventho i'm worn out inside but just the thought that hey look, this is how you will look if you're healthy enough, makes me smile.
all day long.

and people, seeing me being okay from the outside.
sometimes, questioned why i can't spend more time.
why this and why that.
sometimes i tell myself it's okay they don't understand.
sometimes, it breaks me inside because i feel mad and upset and question a lot of things.
like why people don't understand me the way i understand them.
but then again, i tell myself that perfection does not exist.
you need to always give and take.
that's how you sustain things with people.
and because of that,
i've realized how unimportant people should never appear important.
they will consume so much of your energy but they will treat you like crap when they don't need you.
so what's the point of being so tired of them at the end of the day?
and because of that, comes the bitchy side of me.
for those unimportant people.
i will treat them accordingly to how they treated me.
so that's how i'm doing justice to myself.
and to other people(?)

oklah mom is back now,i better sleep. night2.