getting scolded

this morning, mom was not in a good mood..
and as usual my sisters fought at the table during breakfast..
mom was pissed off and we got scolded..
each of us..
to be honest..
i did have those hard-feelings..
but then,
i dunno why..
i feel some sort of happiness and relieved..
that i finally got scolded..
i feel happy that finally mom tells me to do what's right..
i feel happy that finally mom wants me to be a better person..
idklah.. it's weird right?

before this,
mom was a lil bit busy since she got promoted..
and she tried her best to spend her time for us if she could..
she would buy most of the things that we asked because she said she feel sorry for those times that she can't spend with us..
and tbh it's great to have new clothes, new tudung and stuffs..
but i just dunno why.. i don't feel happy..

day by day i think i become more ungrateful for what we have right now and asked for more..
and more..
and still, i never feel satisfied..
but today..
when mom told us how hard she works just to make sure that our needs is fulfilled ...  and how we all just acted like a king, keep asking for things and did nothing than keep complaining..
i just feel like it's a wake up call..
i know it sounds lame..
but for such a long time..
i've been blinded with all these luxury, i never really appreciate what mom and dad did for us..
i just keep asking for things i forgot how hard actually they tried to grant my wish..
and when she mentioned all those things..
somehow i feel relieved and realize how spoiled and ungrateful i was..

all in all.. i just feel relieved that i still got the chances to mend things..
it's good to know my mistakes..
it's good to know that it's not too late to change..

thanks for scolding me, mom :)

p/s: n oyeah she took our handphone too.. and it's kinda boring now but meh maybe it's the best for us ;)

Quizzass

Pagi ni aq determined gler nk cri bku koko *sbnrny aq xnk dtg skolah*
Pastu aq pun niat nk dtg lmbat skit skolah sbb bku koko dh kna hntr esok..
So aq nk cri smpai jumpalah klu x hmm kosonglah markah aq..
Then cari punya cari xde gak..
Dlm pkul 8 lebih tu aq pun nk pergi skolah..
Skali teringat hri ni ad pelawat..
So demi mnjaga nama baik maahad..
Aq pun x jd dtg pagi tu..
Aq nk dtg petang skit lps hbis kls utk join kls tmbhn..
So xdela aq trserempak ngn pelawat ke ape..
Yelah aq xnak diorg tgok perangai pelajar maahad yg buat skolah mcm skolah moyang mereka sendiri walaupun hakikatnya itulah yg aq lakukan..
Tapi.. Aq kan sayang maahad..
Xnaklah krn aq sorg trcemar identiti skolah..
Har har har..
Pstu aq pun smpi2 skolah then join kls tmbahan BI..
N kitorg main quiz!!!
Series best gler!!!
Aq rse tulah antara kelas BI plg best thn ni..
Tp gentle la farhah plg semangat..
N thts one of the reason kitorg muncul Juara!!
Farhah pnye semangat tu, belum tc smpat pilih dia lg dia dh ckp jwpn..
Mmg swag glerlah.. Hahaha
Tp bestlah.. Aq rse semangat competitive bersaing ngan kwn2 tu mmg best..
Pastu yg plg bestnya ble tgok kwn2 yg pendiam pun jd excited n brsemangat nk jwb quiz..
Siap ad yg mcm dh nk brdebat dah..
X sgka tul korg ni.. Klh aq.. Haha..
Seronoklah blaja camni..
Fun n dia mcm mncungkil inner side smua org..
Nmpaklah bler dh smgt tu, mcm2 trkeluar..
So thts it i think..
Actually im rlly looking forward to this kind of learning session in the future..
It builds up confidence, creates a healthy competition among students n it is fun!
So the conclusion is, elect me for malaysia next education minister kay? Salam :D

Mereka - room 4

Td last kls ngn member2 room 4..
Sedih x yah ckp ah..
It's too heart-wrenching i cannot cry..
Sedihnya nk lpskn smua org..
Wlupun aq mgkin x rapat sgt ngn diorg smua..
Tp aq syg every single one of them..
I feel like they are my family..
Rse seronok je dkt iu dgn diorg smua..
Farizah my bff..
Twins diana n nadia my sweet besties..
Aqilah my two yrs classmate + bff..
Gon clever jessian..
Sofiya admath genius..
Hazirah our sweetheart..
Azizul - who blivs tht physics is all abt logic
Hazman the joker
Arif n afiq which i cannot differentiate :D
Najihah our new buddy..
Qaid - hazman's best friend
Iqbal is like our respectful leader
Danial our new kid
Fitri my ex schoolmate
Farisha the beautiful one..
N of course cgu fana yg comel, cgu alia yg cool+caring gler, cgu dayah yg sgt baik hati, cgu midi, cgu anep, cgu azwan..
Every single of them means so much to me..
I wish that i could freeze the time n stay forever young with them..
But hey, life goes on :(
Haish..
Ni belum lg hbes skolah..
Knpalah hidup ni msti ad prtemuan n prpisahan?
Sedih tau tak..
Apa2 pun.. aq doakan smg kita smua dpt straight A+ dlm spm.. aminnnn :')

Crushed

Between their hopes n my dream..
Between them and me..
Between the reality and past..
They all hit me..
For a second, i turn crazy..
Too much for me to take..
Too hard for me to handle..
Too heavy for me to keep..

Everything comes at once..
I feel suffocated then my heart breaks into pieces..
I can feel all those sharp edges hitting my chest..
It's too painful i cannot cry..

I want to seek for tranquility to mend my broken heart..
But silence makes it worst..
It keeps bleeding until i feel like half of me died already..

Maybe

i don't belong here..

Or maybe i need a time machine..

I myself don't even know.

Life is very hurting to me but i keep it inside..
Because i know he or she, would never understand..
How broken and torn i am..
Also, i know that one day it will go..
Far far away leaving me with thousands of regrets..
Or otherwise

the so messed up post

p/s: i write and write and when i read it back, it sounds like a cow.. i think my brain speaks cow and is not functioning well right now

so today, i'm officially finished my last trial paper!!!!
you don't know how awesome that feels like!
like seriously..
these past three weeks have been a great torture to me..
IMAGINE!
every single night, before going to sleep, i always thought about  HOW I AM NOT SO PREPARED FOR THIS EXAM n HOW COULD IT BE SO SOOOON n HOW SPM WOULD BE SOO NEARRR..
and i tried hardly to sleep thinking that having exam on the other day is like a nightmare..
every night, i cannot believe myself that MANNN  I REALLY REALLY HAVE MY TRIAL EXAM TOMORROW!!!!!
and that's awful..
bcuz of too stress, i distracted myself by tweeting or watching short vlogs..
and the next day i'll be like, I'M SOO NOT GOING TO SCHOOL TODAY BECAUSE I'M NOT PREPARED AT ALL AND I CAN'T BELIEVE THAT I REALLY HAVE EXAMS AND when i reached school, that unbelievable feeling is still there and WHEN. WHEN. i see the questions i'll be like, oh! this is freaking real...
and answering the questions was like pfftttt..
i was like oh i so don't know about this and i should be prepared next time for spm, no time to play around dah.. lucky me this is trial, next time i should do it better..
and no matter how terrible my answers are, i just cannot be sad because i know that the blame is on me right from the start and i cannot do anything more than just planning to be better after this.
i mean. it sucks.
but i hope everything is going to turn out well miraculously because we can never stop hoping until things have became permanent..
so i'm hoping and praying because that's the only thing i can do now, study more and better planning..
cuz it's all in all what i should give back to my parents..
i, as a child, live a high cost life..
my parents need to pay, sacrifice and do SOO many things for me..
which i feel bad.
and i'm not like the most awesome child in the world, i could be the worst though...

but.
i thought about all the tuition fees and stuffs..
and one night i was awake and i heard mum n dad talking about ptptn..
and i would feel totally ashamed and guilty if they apply me for ptptn because of what i've put them through and still not giving back what i supposed to give as a daughter..
i think you get it..

on the other hand,
i am very optimistic right now and believe that i should be better and plan better and do everything better because of my parents.. and also for the sake of my love towards knowledge.. i mean.. i love discovering new things, learning.. it's awesome.. i just don't fancy exam somehow.. but if i don't do well in spm, i won't be able to discover more amazing things beyond.. and i would miss all those things.. and that's why i should do well, so that i can give back to my parents, show a good example to my sister, gain the opportunities to hunt for more and better knowledge and be a good muslim..

i realized that the more the knowledge you have, the more powerful you become as a muslim..
and you will also have more power to change the world to a better place, gain trust and give hopes..
if i'm not an intelligent and known person, my Prime Minister won't probably hears my so-reasonable-but-doesn't-sound-quite-reasonable-thought.. so do the people.. everybody wants something that sounds legit..
if you yourself are not a successful person in life than how will your plans become successful?
they will question that..

oyeah and also with more knowledge, we will be more exposed to things, facts and realities..
we will know and discuss big deals, the real problem and so.
because intellectual people get those opportunities to join in big discussions and their life always surround by great people, great problems, great facts and etc...

so that's why..
i think i've written so many things i can feel my head spinning right now..
so till then :)