reason - why u r still living ur life right now

life,
it turns upside down, back and forth, move to thousand directions you'll never know which r u heading for..
one day u'll be aiming harvard,
the other day u wake up and realize tht ur not there, ur in a local university instead..
thing just happen like tht,
u got good offers but ur mom ask u to stay with her so u hve to reject the opportunities..
it is a typical thing in life that it is full of surprise,
sometimes it's too much until u feel breathless..
too much things getting mixed up ur sight becomes blurry..

a story 
i got this scenario as a typical teenager when people start admiring certain type of person because they have an outstanding personality, bold than the other people.
they admire a person like that person is perfect,
nobody touches *pearson (example) and everybody will stand for what *pearson believe in
then they make comparisons and stuffs
and at that moment,
i start to get immerse in their thoughts that everybody should become like *pearson..

*pearson is a rule-breaker, #cool *to them
*pearson do whatever *pearson thinks is right

but i don't really like to do that stuff so i stop hearing what people say and think for a moment.

i want to listen to my own voice.

and for a moment i discover the fact that becoming urself is the true freedom in life
u don't have to act like u care if u don't
and the most important is, ur not living a fake life
people tht got along with you are the ones who really loves you for who you are,
they are the one whom,
have seen the true you, good and bad sides, and they choose to stay with you.
they are the one whom,
survived their life with you yet they regret nothing about having you on their side,

so,
whatever happens, stay with ones who are loyal to you..
you don't need to get everybody's approval that you are the one that they like/admire and so on..
you don't even need people to tell you what you should become..
you decide on what you want in life and find reasons why you do certain things..
because, when you got reason for your act, they just can't bother you..
and the world cannot deny what you're doing..
and the most important thing is,
you know why you are still believing in what you are believing right now.. because you have a reason for it

just live ur life right by becoming urself,
u have nothing to regret

that-so-random :P

p/s: some people love to live fake life, they want everybody to become fake because under their paradigm, it's cool. but think man think. why you do this, why you become this. don't be fool by ones thoughts :)

choices

back then, i don't like to make choices..
for anything, coz i don't want to be responsible for whatever that may happen afterwards..
at least, i can blame somebody if something happen and not myself..
true i'm a selfish but i just like to be in my comfort zone not choosing and when something happen, the blame goes half-half,  the person who choose for decides and surely, bad effect goes to me *if it is related

coz i don't like feeling guilty when making mistakes, facing consequences and so on..
but the thing is, whenever i succeed doing something, the feeling is limited, coz yeah still it's not what i really want, it's somebody decision that i've followed..

and after things happen like that for certain times, i realized that people tend to make decision for my life coz they know that i can't make even one on my own..
and suddenly, it exceeds to a point which annoys me coz i'm not living my own life...
i'm not pushing myself to decide, pursue what i want and most importantly, face the consequences that happen afterwards...

I AM A COWARD

but then i wake up and i realize that i'm not living a happy life which is my OWN life..
coz if whatever happens, even an explosion, i won't regret every single thing that happen IF i'm the one who make the decision.. i will be satisfied enough for myself.. at least for at least if somebody want to say anything about what happen and so on, i will say shut up, i've made my decision and you, get off my way..
you're no longer precious in my life HAHAH...
coz the thing is, people would never understand you, even if they put themselves in your shoes..
they just don't, trust me!
you are the one who live your life and know what you're best at and what you're not..
and knowing certain reasons why you decide on something is satisfying enough than doing things without knowing the reason why you did that..
also, when you said, i've decided..............
it means, whatever happens afterwards, you'll step forward and face it!
and even if you stumble down, you will try and try your best to wake up.. you won't blame somebody for dropping you there and leaving you alone :)

and yes, this moment,
i want to make my own decision.. for my life and my future..
yes, i'm too young and i need advice, i don't deny that but i believe doing something whole-heartedly is more worth it..
i still listen to advice and so on, but then i want to decide whatever it is, on my own..

hahah i find that this is a huge improvement that happens in my life now,
it's like i've step forward to take that challenge.. i'm not a coward anymore and believe me, i just think that i've grown up :P

i want to chase my own dreams :)

losing is winning

today is the final stage for our project for TrEES..
i feel honored to join in this program altho i find it's quite frustrating for me since i'm not into this project since the early stage..
i prioritized my debate over mostly everything, i also absent during most of the time because of debate, i will never blame debate for that i just feel like i haven't done my job well.. hope He will forgives me..
i skipped a workshop coz i had MUSLEH tournament that time, and too many things to handle makes me bias to certain things that i think is the biggest priority at that moment..
since we got 10 members for TrEES that time, i believe that it's not something that i need to handle first.. coz  i need to lead certain things therefore i prioritized them because without a leader things would just don't work..
and i was sick during the exhibition.. we're fasting at that time and i feel rlly sorry seing my friends putting their best effort in preparing all those things.. again, God forgives me please...

but after i've settled down everything, means limiting my debate activities coz my mom has put a big stop to it, then only i began to participate more in TrEES..
i still go to debate training like usual but i can't go to tournament for this year, as participant, adj even an observer. that's my mom's rule..
then only i know more and more about what actually our project was and i realize that the students, they are actually enthusiastic about this thing, we just need to make the system works, that's it.

and after going through ups and down, finally we've made it to the final.. and i can't tell how proud i feel with our teachers and my team..and here today, we went to community hall in bangsar to exhibit our project to other schools..

we didn't win tho, but i feel proud of my team since we actually have made this, being through the challenges and obstacle to implement our project for our beloved nature, it's noble... :DDDD

and after that i met one of the judges which is dr.Rosli and he did compliment us for the project and he said that actually he gave  us the second highest marks for our project but there are still 2 judges and marks for our presentation and report..so yeah, eventho we lost, he said he actually impressed with us and he hope that this project will be carried on after this and we promised him, it will... :)

and then as i finished talking to dr.Rosli, i met aunty Petwa and she hugged me :) Krista is also there and they said that we've already done a good job and it's hard to choose the winner because the marks are very close.. i said to them, i'm alright and we all will make sure this project will go on as a tradition in MAHISS.. btw aunty petwa is one of the judge and Krista is one of the TrEES organiser..

back from the ceremony,
i learn something important, everybody is there actually to support us, now we are the one who need to support ourselves and achieve our glory in this short life...

and i interpret losing today as winning.. coz to me, i've won, we've all won coz the real intention of this project is to save the nature and yes we have done it so it's a winning for everyone..

smile winner, smile

p/s: freaking out for exams xD

.random.

when you got nothing to say,
say nothing.

when you got nothing to think,
stop. thinking.

when you got nothing to search,
stop. searching.

when you got nothing to be cried,
stop crying.

when you got nothing to be  laughed,
stop laughing.

when you got nothing to do,
do nothing, just nothing

if you don't live in what you're doing,
stop..... just stop..
coz it's meaningless