reality

a lil bit by bit.
i wanna find it.
i wanna run from it.
it scares me.
the reality

may i finally find the real peace

i'm feeling relieved..
for days i've been wondering..
how vast and complicated the world is..
as much as i know that i can make it easy,
i also know that this one small step can trouble me in the future..

i am confused to choose..
at one moment i already wholeheartedly believe that i belong to uia..
but chatting with my girls from utp,
it brings back the memories..
how hard it is, at first struggling and coping with university life..
n then i met the girls who cheer up every single second of my life..
the bittersweet memories are so priceless..
thinking about it,
i feel reluctant to let it go..

but then i've prayed..
and comparing between utp n uia,
i found more advantages in utp..
but my heart feels that i belong to uia..
it's not again bcus of debate or anything..
i haven't found any concrete reason why i should leave utp n go to uia,
but my heart..
it's like an answer to my prayer..
i feel like i just belong there i dunno why..
and i, since haven't found the reason why i should leave utp,
discussed with my parents..
and much to my surprise,
my parents told me to follow what my heart says..
the answer to my istikharah..
they asked me to follow what Allah shows me..
and i told them about the job prospect n stuffs,
how utp is more beneficial than uia from my point of view and how i'm very confused why my heart is more inclined to uia..
it's not like my heart nk masuk uia..
it feels like something's calling me..
like hey, u belong here n ur now closer to a place that will give you peace and happiness..
it feels like that.
and my parents dgn sgt tenang told me..
xpelah sayang, rezeki along insyaAllah byk..
ikutla ptunjuk istikharah tu..
eventho it seems like if i msuk uia, my job prospect mcm x byk sgt n stuffs,
but my parents told me that Allah knows best and as His slaves, kita brserah je to His decision n go with the flow..
sgt tenang i tell you..
how my parents told me that..
and i was like x sng dduk and keep saying tapi utp is this this..
but idk y my heart mcm ni..
n i told them the wonders that i've experienced in utp..
but they told me to follow what my istikharah said..
and i know that in my life,
there are many things that i felt reluctant to choose,
but since it's what my istikharah/my parents' istikharah answers,
i followed it,
and it turns out to be way better than i expected..
because like i say,
Allah knows best..

and i just couldn't describe how peaceful i feel about uia..
it's like thinking about it just give me a sort of peacefulness..

so i'm considering one more day to do my istikharah once again..
cuz i really want to make sure about this..
then i'll make up my mind..
insyaAllah..

Lari

Probably aq nk lari dri dia jelah kan..
Apelah hidup ni
Asyik main lari2 jelah kan

the uns

because why.
because how.
because what.
because when.
because where.

i'm not teaching you to write essays.
i'm not teaching you the principles or what so ever.
i'm just wondering.
leave me cuz it's unnecessary.
it's just me again.
idk y idk how.
we're very the unexplainable.
i miss you.
i miss you too.
at the same time i do think of you.
how is this people.
what the even's happening i don't even know.
i just feel so undefinable.
the weirds and weirds keep happening.
and of course things get weirder.

because each has own purpose so each won't be left out

sick

i'm sick now and it almost 5 to 6 days i think..
and i cannot help myself from whining and sighing..
i miss my healthy body..
it makes me feel energetic, happy and optimistic..
but when i'm sick, it feels suck..
cuz i cannot breath properly,
i cannot eat like i used to,
i cannot have a good sleep,
my head aches because i'm lacking of oxygen..
it's too much.

but people always reminded me that sickness is kaffarah..
(kaffarah means a repayment for your sins..)
n the purpose of kaffarah is to wash your sins away...
which is a good thing..
being sick is a good thing because let's admit it,
we have committed tons of sins and there's no way we can pay for it unless He wants us to..
that's why He makes us sick in the first place..
because He loves us and before the Judgement Day comes,
He wants us to be all clean so we can enter Jannah..

there is one term i can't remember it right now, that we learn in AlQuran n AsSunnah which means that there are certain people who Allah gives them easiness and comfort to add their 'kesesatan'.. *can't find the right term sorry*
a simple example will be the Pharaoh.. Allah gives him immortality and he never fell sick during his lifetime simply because Allah wants to add his *kesesatan* since he is too arrogant to Allah.. Therefore Allah let him be among the lost people..

to relate back to the sickness,
if you fall sick or have difficulties then that's actually a GOOD thing because Allah wants to remind you, He wants you to get back to the right path and you should be REALLY REALLY grateful for it..

oh kay.
now onto my second point.
since sickness is kaffarah right..
so i kinda imagine it as an after-effect..
imagine, if you live in mud and dirt everyday,
you will eventually get sick isn't it?
same goes to this,
when you fall sick,
have you ever wondered how much you have sinned that you become as sick as this?
the sins are like the dirt..
you've sinned too much that's why you fall sick..
and when you recovered probably because the sins have been cleaned, like the dirt.. if you cleaned the dirt and kill all the bacteria then only you will be healthy again..
what a metaphor right?

so that's it for tonight.. i can't wait to get healthy again cuz i only have some days left before going back to utp and i REALLY REALLY want to spend my time happily with my family and being sick just makes me feel tired and weary to join them in their activities..
so i hope i'll recover soon..
assalamualaikum

breathless

Usually the nights will pass easily n quickly, but not last night..
It was different..
I cannot sleep even though my body felt so tired n my head ached..
I dunno why..
The flashbacks kept coming..
Haunting me with the fear of losing..
I was trying to tell myself that it was not an important matter,
But nothing changed..
My headache worsened, n then only i managed to tell my mind to stop..
But the after-effect was still painful...
I dunno how i managed to sleep last night but it was not a good sleep..
I felt troubled..
N waking up this morning, i feel so full with everything..
I feel breathless.

"People say we can control everything about ourselves, but i don't think it's true. My mood, my feelings, my emotions.. they change like an unexpected weather.. i wish i can alter it somehow"

if only we realize

tonight was such a touching night..
usually after our maghrib prayer, abah will either give us tazkirah or ask us to recite the Qur'an..
n tonight is the tazkirah night..
so usually i am a person who 'outspace' a lot..
i often get distracted and when i realize it, abah has already talk for several minutes n tht's the only moment i realize tht he's talking..
sometimes i can catch up with the tazkirah n sometimes i don't get it because it's half through already..
but tonight, same thing goes on and when i realize it,
abah is talking about blessings that we have..
specifically, our hearing sense..
it sounds very middle-school science right?
but listen first,

did u ever wonder what would you do or who would you be without these abilities?
i don't.. never before.. and because of that, i don't realize how great things are to me because of my perfect abilities..
my father caught my attention when he said:

"have u ever seen disabled people getting married with normal people? it's rare right? disabled people are for disabled people and normal people are for normal people because only then they will be able to understand each other and cope with life together"

that somehow stunted me..
i feel like, man.. i was born this way, no disabilities *physically* and i never realize how much all these abilities mean to me..
at that time i feel very grateful that Allah has made me this way..
and abah also told us that with our hearing ability,
we are able to listen to good things, understand knowledge, learn it and apply in our life..
that also stunted me..
i can listen well,
but what do i listen to all this time?
songs, gossips those crappy stuffs..
i mean it's not that we or i cannot listen to songs..
it's just that we should have limit to it and somehow there are better things that we can do with this ability..
so that's practically what i'm trying to say...

each of us was created with something..
to be used for the benefit of all..
even if ur handicapped, there must be something that you have..
everybody and each of us has it..at least one thing that ables us to contribute back to the ummah.. because He created us that way..
the thing is that,
what you have may not be what the others have..
so be grateful for it and use it wisely..

so i think that's it..
syakirah and my mom also share some interesting stories after the tazkirah but i'll keep it cuz idk haha..
nevertheless i hope this, at least inspires you to be a better person in life as much as it is to me..
that's all for today :D