Saturday, February 25, 2017

Flat tune.

Talk about beautiful,
When she's broken in silence,
Wandering around in empty spaces,
Where the voices echoed,
Pulling her, in and out.

Talk about beautiful,
When she flies so high,
Only with broken wings,
And a heart full of agony.

Talk about beautiful,
When the strings are all broken,
Except one,
Playing flat tune.
On repeat,
Again and again.

Talk about beautiful,
When the one that she has left,
Is the one that she preserves,
For a tiny hope,
Or a tiny light,
That might shine through,
Knocking her door,
Maybe one day,


The more she flies,
The more she forgets,
The more she runs,

Even though,

Things get better,
Eventually by days,
By seconds,


She thought she cured herself,
And she forgets about,
The broken wings,
The broken heart,
The last string and everything.

But sudden,

One fine morning,
She woke up,
Choked, to the fact that,
Given the pain that she's holding back,
The one she has trusted, has never really wished to understand,

She mourned back in her empty space,
Wandering around with the last string attached,
Heartlessly telling herself,
To preserve that one last tune,
Even though she knows, it'll never play more than just a flat tune.

In a treasured relationship,
Bonded by blood,
She never thought that it would make her that broken.

09:21 (26/2/17)

Wednesday, February 22, 2017

Life Mantra: Satu, satu

Juggling things is definitely not my specialty.
Multitasking, even though was sensationalized to be a girl's thing, is also, not my specialty.
In fact, i'm quite bad at it eeps.
So, one thing that i've been telling myself for the couple of years of growing up is that,
take only one thing at a time.
this is because i truly want to give my 150% in the things that i said yes to and if i have too many things at once, i know that i'll be having a hard time to actually focus and stay relax.
usually i'll freak out, stare at the ceilings for hours when i need to decide or think for too many things. my brain just resorts to auto-blank mode.
that's how bad it is.

but now,
since i'm in my degree phase,
which needs better time management, better responses, better everything,
i kinda want to adapt to that, but also still work within my brain capacity, (if that makes sense)
so whenever, things come all at once,
i try to tell myself.
it's okay, settle satu, satu.
look at one thing,
settle that first, then only i'll go for the others.
sometimes it works, sometimes, it doesn't even though i tried to hypnotize myself to do it but meh.
but this is the most that i can do at the moment.

like, it helps when i only look at one thing at a moment, without thinking about the rests that await.
so i can remove the anxiety part and try to solve it. 
oh, and i'm also wondering whether i actually have anxiety because i get anxious a lot and my mind always just went blank and i forgot a lot of things nowadays. 
which is why i also tried to minimize my social interaction with people except in real life,
because i find it hard for me to think about other people when i'm doing other things like reading books, or thinking about programs or reflecting life, if that makes sense.

i'm actually reflecting on life a lot nowadays, so i just don't want this phase to be affected by other people. i'm trying to learn to understand myself, finding the right drive etc. so i kinda cut people out a bit.
you see, sometimes people scare me to the extent that i think i better live in oblivion, or, basically the proverb 'ignorance is bliss' is how i would like to describe this phase.

because nowadays you see how negative people are,
how loud they can be about their negative thoughts and hatred everywhere,
which i do not wish to indulge myself in,
like, i do not want to know what's on people mind anymore,
i do not want to feel attached or care about how they feel about me because girl, sometimes people are just greedy.
they keep wanting more from me,
or expecting too much just because they have known me for a certain period or a short time,
but they never really know how i am right now, what phase i've been through,
and to be honest, i won't put the blame on them if they don't expect that much from me.
in short,
i would probably prefer trust>everything.
like just trust that i'm a good person,
i don't mean to do any bad thing and purposely leave out of sudden.
just try to understand.
but yeah people will be people,
and so, i'm gonna be me.
i've been through several things which i would definitely wanted to give myself some break time, to ponder upon, look upon things. 

so that's basically my abstract world.
i don't really like talking about people nowadays, more, when i don't meet them often, because the way they react and expect me to be this someone is just ...........
whatever it is, the people that i met in real life are still beautiful and kind.
i thank Allah for this blessings.
i'm glad that they appreciate me and i also appreciate them in return.

that's all,