Saturday, March 29, 2014

settling down


hi, it's been a while since i haven't updated you on my current issue,
even though it doesn't seem necessary, but still, posting an entry on your life is like plotting your life sequence..
only when it comes to an end, you can see the beautiful patterns of ups and downs, trials and errors and the most exciting part would be to look at the beautiful days you've had for your entire life :)

the thing is that,
it's been quite a while since i've became interested to be honest and let it all outs in my blog..
i don't have the guts for most of the time..
but today,
when i finally settled down and admitted that i am flawed in every single way and that's just a normal thing for human, cuz we all are created flawed, i feel better in sorts of way.

everybody has imperfections but the difference is on how they, each of them, deal and live with it..
sometimes i hate my flaws..
i wanna be perfect tbh..
but what's perfect tho?
ones may say this and this are perfect,
others may say that and that are perfect,
until when and when,
you can never satisfy people..
and actually people don't need to be satisfied..
they are just solely observing on how you deal with your life..
nothing as such such that you need to be this this..
i probably think too much.

oh well,
that's basically what i learnt and realized now..
and i wanna keep my life more natural and lively from day to day..
i'm working on it though..
it's not easy to take a small step for a big change..
but it's surely will be worth it..

one of the thing that pushes me to realize this is probably debate,
when i went to training that day and mugabe was provoking *he's just playing around*
my attitude just happened to be who i really am..
i like being, in that case, cocky and defensive..
it feels like a full satisfaction when you become yourself no matter what..
and when it happened,
nothing should be regretted..

and also my conversations with hasni, nina and fik yesterday..
makes me think a lot..
makes me wonder all this time, what i've been doing..
it was a fun conversation and i really appreciated it..

so thanks guys for helping me finding myself again..
although i might still not change much,
still not being that talkative or whatever,
i will try..
and that is because, you helped me..
thanks friends..

each and every single one of you has taught me something valuable on life.. and i thank you guys for that 



Monday, March 17, 2014

sepetang di utp

tajuk mcm mmg x blh kait lg kan?
so, pejam celik pejam celik, x sangka dh dkt 3 bulan jugaklah aq menghuni kt utp ni,
which means aq, for the first time dduk jauh2 dri family..
dlu mse form 1, aq trasa mcm dh besar la kan,
nk duduk asrama..
kwn2 smua pakat duduk asrama,
aq sorg je ddk rumah..
tp mak aq kata, yang, selagi blh dduk rmah 17 thn ni, dudukla rumah..
nnt dh msuk universiti smua dh ssh nk blk rmah..
n aq pn obey jela wlupun rasa mcm tringin sgt nk msuk asrama..

alrite tu form 1 pnye cerita..
naik form 5, aq dh fhm..
ddk rmah tu sbnrny bnda plg nikmat dlm dunia..
luxury, mknn sedap, katil sedap, ad tv ad wifi laju..
so ble form 5, klu aq mcm x smgt je nk blaja, mak aq plak ckp,
kalau masuk asrama mgkin along smgt skit kut nk study.. dgn kwn2.. nak msuk asrama k?
p/s: my umi brcakap dgn nada yg lembut cuz umi aq mmg lemah lembut :D
n aq plak yg mcm...
emmm xpela mi.. ddk rumah je.. selesa.. dduk asrama tkut stress.. #AlasanSemataMata

and then aq pn habes spm, graduate from maahad then trlebih excited plak mengisi borang2 kt internet..
tnpa disangka-sangkanya, aq dptla plak offer nk msuk utp..
kwn2 pn rmai yg dpt tp most of them tolak kerana reasons yg pelbagai..
aq ni plak dlm dilemanya nak masuk ke taknak,
aq serahkan keputusan kat parents aq..
tp smbil tu aq interview jugak org2 lain..
saje nk tmbh knowledge..
pstu dlm 2-3 hari lg nk kna konfemkan keputusan aq nk accept ke tak,
mak aq ckp,
dia dh istikharah, n dia rasa aq kena pergi..
sebab, aq x biasa dduk asrama, x biasa susah2..
mak aq kata, at least cuti ni x buat pape, biarlah aq belajar campus life..
klu terus msuk je lps result nnt takut aq xleh carry..
mak aq kata, biar msuk utp ni mcm trainingla.. belajar mandiri..
eceh.
mse mak aq ckp tu, aq rse mcm.. umi ni x syg along ke.. sbb aq tgok mak aq cool je..
selalunya bab2 nk berjauhan ni mak aq mmg x bg..
hatta kem pun jarang gile mak aq nk bg pergi..

last2 dh sehari kut sblum aq pergi tu,
aq suarakan jgakla isi hati aq,
aq bgtau mak aq.. "umi.. along tgok umi mcm x kisah je along nk pergi ni.. umi x sayang along ke?"
then brula mak aq confess,
berat jugak dia nk bg aq pergi, tp dia xnak aq risau.. so dia cool je..
mse tu aq trharu+sedih+ feeling2 lain yg brkaitan..
tp aq mcm dh x leh wat pape sbb esknya dh nk pergi..
so aq diam je..

pstu mak aq ckp.. try dulu sayang.. nnt kalau x ok, nnt kluarlah..
aq pn ok je..
then mula2 masuk..

memang.
aq ni dgn xpernah basuh baju pkai tangan nye..
jarang gosok tudungnya..
hmm..
smua nk kna blaja..
bibik aq pn dh pesan awal2 sblum prgi..
dia ajar aq gosok tudung sbb slalunya dia yg gosokkan..
tp aq bknnya x reti gosok.. cuma dh lama x gosok.. tu yg mcm pshhh skit tu..
then, basuh baju la plg x reti..
pstu mse baru masuk jatla tlg ajar smua en..
n aq pn blaja la slow2..

pstu skrg alhamdulillah.. agak pro lah bab2 basuh baju ni..
bab2 gosok pn xde problem sgt dh..

then aq rasa mcm btulla mak aq ckp tu..
alhamdulillah aq msuk awal ni aq blh blaja,
blh try adapt dgn campus life..
sbb, klu lps ni dpt result ke ap,
aq nk kluar pegi mne2 insyaAllah blh adapt sbb aq dh biasa dduk u,
dh prnah jauh dri family..
xdela homesick sgt en..

and nak cerita alang2 dh msuk psl u ni..
dlm duk jauh2 dri family ni en..
kdg2 aq homesick la gak..
frust ke stress ke..
nama pn dduk u kan..
tp memikirkan yg dorg tu jauh,
klu aq cite pn depa xleh tlg malah menambahkan lg beban depa nk risau psl aq..
so either way pn aq kna face jgak bnda2 tu smua..

n aq rse so far ni aq survive dduk u pn sbb mentaliti tu..
ble pke yg one way or another pun aq kena face problem tu,
xleh lari, x leh nk mnx tlg ngn family mcm dlu,
jd papehal pun..
ble stress then nanges ke ap en,
nnt last2 aq akn rse mcm hmm dhla nangesnya, x selesai pn masalah,
time to get back to the real life..
then fokus blk nk selesaikan masalah tu..

klu dlu aq mgkin byk cara utk escape problem,
tp skrg x dh..
slow2 blaja brdikari skit2..

kadang2 aq rindu gak nk gedik2 ke cengeng ke en..
demand itu ini ngn org..
tp aq sedarla.. dh besar, xleh stay dgn perangai lme..
nnt x leh survive hidup ni..
kalau dlu aq mmg.
demand pape pn..
xleh tu xleh ni..
org2 sekeliling aq pn layan je..
depa smua baik2..
aq rse bahagia gila hidup dipenuhi kasih sayang.. kui kui
tp skrg ni aq dh blaja la x mnyusahkan org..
mse aq bru msuk u pn adik aq pesan..
u need to grow up, dh besar, org lain ad hal masing2, blaja jgn susahkan org..
n mse aq dgr tu sentapla sket en..
yela adik mmg lg matured dri kakak..
tp ble pke2.. betul ap yg dia cakap..
then aq pn seboleh-bolehnya mengelakkan diri dri menyusahkan org..
kdg2 aq jln sorg2 ke ape en,
bkn sbb aq xde kwn ke ap,
tp aq xnak menyusahkan dorg, nk sruh dorg tggu aq ke ap..
sbb aq ni mmg pape slalu slow..
so aq rse better la aq pegi je sorg2..
lambat pn x mnyusahkan org..
ha.. cmtulah..

n alhamdulillah skrg ni aq rse mcm dh stable skit n blh adapt la skit2 dgn my new life..
then aq pn x sgka,
Allah tu Maha Mengasihani,
Dia x biar aq sorg2 lps jat pegi..
aq jmpe kwn2 baru..
7 org plak tu..
yg masing2 unique n special in their own way..
then ad ajean yg slalu tlg mcm2..
aq rse bersyukur sgt..
oyeah not to forget,
group english drama aq yg class..
smgt je training meeting smua..
so far so good la kiranya..alhamdulillah...

btw smpi sini dlu kut post kli ni, aq pun dh rse berdebar gila nk amik result.. pls doakan yg trbaik utk smua spm candidates 2013, n pape pun kwn2 aq nk stay kt utp.. so aq pn mgkin stay mgkin kluar.. idk yet.. doakan jugak aq dpt buat kputusan yg trbaik :)



Saturday, March 15, 2014

sharing is caring - spread the love~

bismillah..
smlm smart group en, kitorg bncg psl hadis ni,
Diriwayatkan dari Amir al-Mukminin (pemimpin kaum beriman) Abu Hafsh Umar bin al-Khattab radhiyallahu’anhu beliau mengatakan : Aku mendengar Rasulullahshallallahu ‘alaihi wa sallam bersabda, “Sesungguhnya setiap amalan harus disertai dengan niat. Setiap orang hanya akan mendapatkan balasan tergantung pada niatnya. Barangsiapa yang hijrah karena cinta kepada Allah dan Rasul-Nya maka hijrahnya akan sampai kepada Allah dan Rasul-Nya. Barangsiapa yang hijrahnya karena menginginkan perkara dunia atau karena wanita yang ingin dinikahinya, maka hijrahnya (hanya) mendapatkan apa yang dia inginkan.”
aq yakin mostly kita mmg familiar sgt dgn hadis ni, tp sejauh mne kita mghayati mesej yg dibawa oleh hadis ni? tepuk dada tanya iman 
but anyway, sekadar nk berkongsi apa yg aq dpt dri hadis ni,
1st of all, kita akan dibalas ganjaran seperti mana yg kita niatkan..
contohnya, dlm hadis ni sendiri.. hadis ni diturunkan masa peristiwa rasulullah berhijrah ke madinah.. dalam ramai2 orang yang nak berhijrah tu, ada seorang pemuda ni, dia nak kahwin dgn perempuan ni tapi, perempuan tu nk ikut rombongan rasulullah yang berhijrah ke madinah.. so, disebabkan si pemuda ni nk kahwin dgn perempuan ni, dia pun ikutla rombongan tu.. sampai di madinah, dia dapat kahwin dgn perempuan tu.. tapi, disebabkan niat dia berhijrah tu bukan kerana Allah, jadi apa yg dia dpt hanyalah yg dia niatkan.. dia dpt kahwin dgn perempuan tu tapi dia x dpt pahala berhijrah kerana Allah..
so conclusionnya, apa2 yang kita buat, amalan kita tu akan dinilai mengikut niat kita..
kalau kita niat kerana Allah, kita akan dapat ganjaran drpd Allah..
n btw bila kita buat apa2 n kita niat kerana Allah, insyaAllah segala kerja yg susah tu terasa ringan je, sebab, kita rasa seronok buat benda tu untuk mendapat keredhaan Allah bukan untuk satisfy kan manusia/ dapat harta, jawatan, pangkat dan sebagainya
2nd, kita jgn judge orang..
sbb. kita xkan tahu niat seseorg tu buat something..
urusan niat itu hanya antara si fulan dgn Allah..
even malaikat pn, dorg catit je ap yg kita buat di setiap detik dan saat tanpa tahu pn apa niat yg trlintas kat hati kita masa buat bnda tu..
because again, niat itu urusan Allah..
setiap amalan yg kita buat tu, sejauh mana tahap keikhlasannya, sebanyak mana pahala yg kita akan dpt, itu semua urusan Allah..
jadi kalau kita nampak orang tu buat baik, jangan terus judge dia ni nak menunjuk2 or fake ke..
sebab, niat dia xde sape tahu..
sapelah kita utk judge manusia lain kan..
biarlah apa yg dia buat tu, amalan dia dinilai oleh Allah Yang Maha Adil..
3rd, niat x menghalalkan cara..
walaupun topik ni macam x berkaitan dengan hadis kat atas,
tapi bila sebut pasal niat ni aq tiba2 teringat pasal benda ni..
kadang2 kita terbiasa nak buat something tu, kita ikut niat kita tanpa fikir pn whether benda tu seiring x dgn syariat..
sedangkan, sebaik mana pun niat kita tu, kalau x kena dgn syariat islam, tetap akan salah..
contohnya, plg simple la.. kita nak tlg org miskin, tapi kita xde harta nk bagi, jadi kita pn mencuri utk tlg org miskin tu..
niat kita baik, nak tlg orang yg miskin..
tapi cara kita tu salah.. kita dah menganiaya org lain n di masa yg sama kita bagi benda yg haram pulak dkt org yg miskin td untuk diguna dan sebagainya..
jadi, sebelum buat apa2, kita kena tajdid niat and fikir dulu, jgn main terus buat je.. apelah guna manusia yg dikurniakan akal kalau bukan utk berfikir.. kan? 
so itu ringkasnya ap yg aq dpt simpulkan from hadis smlm.. byk lagi kupasan dia sbnrnya.. apa2 pun mohon betulkan kalau ad apa2 yg trsalah..
thx to: akk Nurul Afiqah Noorrezhan Aisyah Fakeh Maya Najwa MardhatiNadzirah Khairuddin hazirah, kak leya n room mate kak afiqah utk perbincangan yg menrik smlm..
wallahu a'lam 

Wednesday, March 12, 2014

exactly.






why

i wanna ask u straight away..
y?
y did u choose to leave?
did u know that even if it's just a normal morning conversation,
it means something,
it changes my day..

i dunno how to spill and say this before..
cuz it feels pathetic
and i feel that i've became weaker day by day seeing u being there but distancing urself away.
it poisoned me.

our conversations,
eventho it seems useless but it is somehow meaningful.
knowing that there's gonna be an advice for me every morning is a thing that i cherish a lot.
somehow.
u just left.
u chose to.
idk y.
idk how.
idk wht i 've done.
but u choose to leave.