Friday, December 19, 2014

pernah tak

Pernah x rasa, unable to love something?
xde perasaan?
heartless and emotionless?
trying to fake feelings because you know that you're a freaking human,
because you want to feel,
you want to be happy.
pernah x?

Friday, December 12, 2014

Midnight Note and Night Changes, of course ;)

She asked me; how was it? and whether i've been studying.
and i told her, i wanna take a break and i'm tired thinking about my study.
"don't quit, don't give up." she read me well.
i'm just tired and don't wanna talk about this at the moment. maybe next time, i said
and she understood. then there's a brief goodbye.

looking at everything,
how solid the time is.
how things changed,
how ups and downs possessed the wheel,
i was completely astounded.

i wanna freeze the time,
but growing up is a good thing too.

hang in there sweetheart,
we'll go with the flow,
i said.
what happened are meant to be lessons,
don't worry much as He has everything planned,
just work and try your best.


Wednesday, December 10, 2014

how sweater season turns to be and of being introverted

mom is always amazed of my "non-stop and won't stop communicating" skills,
she believes that she's an introvert and as we all know,
an introvert does find difficulties in social situations furthermore when it comes to people that they aren't familiar with.
but i think my mom isn't that bad at social skills though, maybe a little bit but i do honestly think, introverts and their extreme honesty are necessary in our life because the world is too full of deception.

so, there's that,
mom said i am obviously an extrovert and then i figured out that there's also a mix of introvert and extrovert which is ambivert.
but after taking test and as what my mom recommended, i discover that i am extrovert.
so why does this matter so much?

here's from a point of an extrovert *if i'm really one of them*
we get tired.
we get tired trying to be nice and suppressing our real thoughts on things sometimes simply because we care a LOT about our relationships with people.
because we believe that relationships are the one which keep us going,
which keep our life lively.
but to a certain extend,
sometimes we wish that others will have feelings too.
meaning, would understand or at least try to be in our shoes.
considering the facts that we seemed to be cool and easygoing and don't care about stuffs,
but we're actually humans like you guys too.
be logical and sensible when it comes to our belongings,
be polite and careful with jokes,
because we're humans too.

i get tired from relationships and decided to have some break.
just having my sweater season by reducing my social interactions with people and it's quite hard because sometimes you just wanna talk and talk and people acts are amusing!
they are funny, people are incredible but i just wanna put it aside
because i believe that when we started to open up we will eventually let both things mix up, the bad jokes and good jokes, bad acts and good acts, those stuffs.
and we'll get hurt because obviously you need to pay for what you get,

so i'm thinking about the introverts.
how lucky they are to have just a small group of really highly trusted people around them and to not have to face hurtful things by people who aren't even close to them.
although it sounds lonely and boring, but it is adequate enough to have a small life and enjoy the little things around you.
at least that's what i think.
about being socially awkward, i can't comment on that because i, when sometimes become awkward in situations, will also feel uneasy and just don't prefer that kind of personality.
so that's that.

and after resting from social network which is mainly just twitter where i have lots of *friends* that i'm *closed* with,
i feel lonely but i keep books as my company.
whenever i feel boring with nothing to do and people to talk to,
i pick my book and it sorts of make me feel better.
SO extroverts, book is a good substitute for people when you wanna take a break.
it distracts you from the fact that you feel like you have nobody when you don't talk to them on twitter and stuffs.
macam tulah.

so i've successfully finished the rosie project thru my sweater season,
i kinda bring it anywhere and read it in between class and whenever i have nothing to do, which is a good point because i don't have to worry if i screw up my relationship with certain people because all i need to do is pick up my book and ignore my environment without feeling hurt or depressed.
and also, reading book is much better because it adds up your knowledge and restrain yourself from talking unnecessary things which you always do when you talk to other people.

so all in all, i can cope trying to be an introvert but i still keep my relationship with people running on, just that i reduced the numbers and i try to improve my relationships more on reality rather than social media because i believe that people in reality are more real and important.
i have fun, having smaller groups to care and connect to,
and also have more things to think and ponder since i read books (YAY!)
so all in all it was okay and i view this as a changing season,
like before a climate change,
you kind of need to sort things out and it'll get better.
i believe it is the right thing to do at the moment because i can see some improvement on my emotions and feelings and also when it becomes better, i am at a rational state to value and weigh things, finding motivations and priorities to keep my life goes on.
i also slowly fix my relationship with people because when we let things be the way they are,
it will slowly rotate and find an equilibrium state. *physics phew*

now i'm currently reading the last song, but still going on slowly because i'm too hype up because i have 4 days for holidays and have been hibernating ever since heheh,
so good luck in whatever you do in life, what ever you're looking for, i hope you will find it.

xoxo, munierahkay ;)

Friday, December 5, 2014

the weather is a cold sweater

ive just finished my last paper yesterday for test 2 and my final exam is coming in 2 more weeks.
it is hectic and i guess people also get affected.
people seem stress or not cheerful like they used to be.
and i saw that in myself too.
its like everything is about exam and it keeps coming one after another.
its hard tho.
and after going through some phase that i told before,
i find myself in a sweater season.
the one that you've become lonely,
shutting down people in your life,
trying to figure out things,
and just be there on your bed,
doing nothing.

its a leisure on the other hand to not think about my study for a moment
because physics chem n bio are just hard this time
not to mention calculus and computer too
i dunno whether i havent studied enough (which obviously could be the point)
or its really hard.

so figuring things in my sweater mood,
i am deadly wanna go back home and get two of my favorite cutiepies.
like seriously im dying to outcast myself from the world and immerse in romance books.
i love it.
i just find that romance book is simple yet it gives you a better perspective on your life and
its just like happiness paved along your path.

i need them.
but people have been busy so im not sure when can i get them and.
i have interclass netball match tomorrow and cant go back home.
so yeah.
i wish it is today that i can have them in my room.
reading with high enthusiasm while being lazy on my bed.
just stay in my room and not opening a single book because i want a break.

wait for me love

Wednesday, December 3, 2014

fear of falling

i'm not a perfectionist but i'm afraid to fail at things i wanna succeed at.
but i'm 18.
and going through this.
a lot of self-reflections and self-judgement,
i guess growing is painful.
and this year is probably the hardest because after you were said to have your own identity and solid personality when you're 18, i discovered that it is otherwise.
it is very full of experiments and uncertainty.
probably because i kinda built multiple personalities as i grow up so when things change and as a way of adapting to it, i become the old me or i even develop another personality.
and it's suffocating, exhausting and killing becoming an 18.
sometimes i feel lifeless.
always ask myself what happen? and what's right?
why aren't the people who always help me to get through this are in silence?
why are they backing away?
have i ruined my relationship with them?
have i become someone less likeable to them or, not likeable at all now?
or maybe.
a matter of less important.

it sucks.
maybe because i always find my joys and happiness in relationships.
building relationship and going through the downs for a while and realize that they are the right people that you've welcomed into your life, and then they went silence.
and sometimes i imagine what they are going to tell me when i have problems and imagine how they are going to comfort me but the reality is,
they've gone.
even if we still connected with each other through whatsapp group and stuffs but what's done is done.

and i realize,
how far am i going to be under their wings?
how far am i going to wish that they were here and things were different?
how far am i going to waste my future for the past that has gone forever?

that's the thing.
it makes me realize how,
crucial it is to grow up now.

and i still am lazy somehow.
to push myself but i guess there are certain things that i can improve.

its december 2014,
they say make the best out of this one more month and i realize that i should at least achieve something about myself.
inprove and be a different person.
be the best thing i think i should be.
i'm still not confident about it.
but i guess i should make my choice, try to fly with my own wings, fall, get broken, heal them and grow up with a better and tougher wings.

i'm gonna start by improving my social network access.
i guess i need to start recheck my intention,
remove things and people that are unnecessary,
before i changed my mind again.