Wednesday, December 3, 2014

fear of falling

i'm not a perfectionist but i'm afraid to fail at things i wanna succeed at.
but i'm 18.
and going through this.
a lot of self-reflections and self-judgement,
i guess growing is painful.
and this year is probably the hardest because after you were said to have your own identity and solid personality when you're 18, i discovered that it is otherwise.
it is very full of experiments and uncertainty.
probably because i kinda built multiple personalities as i grow up so when things change and as a way of adapting to it, i become the old me or i even develop another personality.
and it's suffocating, exhausting and killing becoming an 18.
sometimes i feel lifeless.
always ask myself what happen? and what's right?
why aren't the people who always help me to get through this are in silence?
why are they backing away?
have i ruined my relationship with them?
have i become someone less likeable to them or, not likeable at all now?
or maybe.
a matter of less important.

it sucks.
maybe because i always find my joys and happiness in relationships.
building relationship and going through the downs for a while and realize that they are the right people that you've welcomed into your life, and then they went silence.
and sometimes i imagine what they are going to tell me when i have problems and imagine how they are going to comfort me but the reality is,
they've gone.
even if we still connected with each other through whatsapp group and stuffs but what's done is done.

and i realize,
how far am i going to be under their wings?
how far am i going to wish that they were here and things were different?
how far am i going to waste my future for the past that has gone forever?

that's the thing.
it makes me realize how,
crucial it is to grow up now.

and i still am lazy somehow.
to push myself but i guess there are certain things that i can improve.

its december 2014,
they say make the best out of this one more month and i realize that i should at least achieve something about myself.
inprove and be a different person.
be the best thing i think i should be.
i'm still not confident about it.
but i guess i should make my choice, try to fly with my own wings, fall, get broken, heal them and grow up with a better and tougher wings.

i'm gonna start by improving my social network access.
i guess i need to start recheck my intention,
remove things and people that are unnecessary,
before i changed my mind again.

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