Today is the worst day of my life.
But getting thru this day, i realized that i didnt walk alone.
A lot of ppl hve been really supportive and i just realized all that.
Thursday, December 10, 2015
Sunday, October 4, 2015
life isn't half as bad. that's what i feel right now. few seconds ago, i was on my phone, ranting about life, how unhappy i am and how stressful i was. and now here i am, saying that life isn't half as bad. girls huh? it's complicated.
anyhow, i do feel empty sometimes because my used-to-be sheer joy, pure luck and happiness aren't with me right now. i mean, life during asasi is amazing like h amazing, but then now it's different. sometimes i told myself, hey, just because it's different, doesn't mean it's not good. but when i met them (my squad utama during asasi) yesterday, k13 roommates and few classmates, you can't even tell how nostalgic it was and how elated i was in that few minutes that we spent together. i said it spontaneously, eh aq rasa happyla kita dpt kmpul camni. and i meant it. but after it was over, i suddenly realized that everything turned to be different now.
No Nik, No Sopeh, No Hazirah, No Syasya, No my 'anak2', No everybody that i love so much and looked forward to see everyday when i was in asasi. and i went back home (missing the GOOD old times) and unfortunately, there was a problem with my scholarship and i felt so worried like this just made the whole thing appeared so ugly at the same time. and i started to look at our old pictures and memories, the moment we sang together, it brought up so many feels. and suddenly i had so much hatred in me. like why this? why must things change when it has been so good??
and all those imperfections in degree life hit me one by one. suddenly semua benda rasa x kena. i feel so mad, so bad, so sad.
but then i thought about everything so far in my degree life, putting away those crappy stuffs like my college or people that i dislike for their irresponsibilities. I thought that hey munierah, you know what? your life isn't half as bad. you see, what are you doing right now? you're learning mathematics. LIKE PURELY MATHEMATICS. Things that you love so much. And you always said that if math is a human, you would definitely marry math. so then what's the big deal? and i remembered the moments i sat in class, learning calculus and algebra, and i tell you, i can't be distracted by anything except sandwiches and pizzas when it's already 1 hour and 30 mins. I love learning math and i'm learning it now. that's 1!
and then, i have azi, qadar, shy, ecah, acap, ara to help me study now. they have been very helpful and i couldn't thank them more. i even have a study group now! my focus on life has finally shifted to my study other than having fun and shopping. (YAY)
and i also finally get a 'kawan kepit'. i never like has a kawan kepit before. kawan kepit is like just sorang kawan yg brkepit je dgn kita utk pergi mana2. selalunya i'm in a gang. dari skolah smpai asasi i always has a gang cus ain't it fun kecoh2 bersama? tapi degree ni, i feel okaylah i was blessed with a kawan kepit that can teman me anywhere, makan sesama, masuk kelas sesama. so i'm happy.
and the best part wasss i tersalah tengok due date assignment. i thought it is tomorrow but rupanya two more weeks :') THIS is probably the best thing so far hahahahah.
so enough with all those rants. life has been wonderful. my hormones are the one which are getting screwed up (probably because i've gained some weight again and i'm unhappy about it heh) but anyhow, my life okay sebenarnya. i mean, of course there are some bumpy roads along the ride, but if i keep driving, it will just be fine. it isn't half as bad you see?
so i'm gonna balik kolej happily tonight herherher
Sunday, September 27, 2015
so i haven't updated anything and anything.
but i force myself to start with something because all we need is just a beginning for something to keep happening.
i have continued my upside down degree life for 3 weeks now,
and i was inspired when i saw this on one of my maahad friend's bio, her name is nadhrah. thanks nadhrah :)
it was written:
"when you guys partied, i gave up my sleep for my dreams"
and i was very inspired i tell ya.
entering degree, there are a lot to think about, and to dream about.
i want to make some of them come true and also shed off the unnecessary dreams (u know the berangan part)
because i need to focus. like that's all it take to succeed. but my focus is diverged apparently because if you really know me through my previous life, i was so playful, always think about shopping, skincare, shoes, bags. All the unnecessary stuffs and now i'm resetting my motherboard or whatever they called it in ICT class and trying to program it correctly so i can be on a constant pursuit of love, happiness and future. yep all written on my header. but future is the most important chase currently.
i just thought and imagined myself in few more years, where i'll stand and i'm freaking paranoid if i couldn't make it. yes, ppl make mistakes and sometimes they can recover bla bla. but if i can get it right, starting from now, insyaAllah at the end of the day, i believe that things will just be greater. i mean my pathway of life. great start, great effort will produce great result. but of course, i need to be consistent.
that's one thing.
for happiness, even though for now i don't seem happy yet. but i believe when all the efforts are paid, the feelings will be priceless. i wanna feel satisfied with myself and 4 years later when i graduated, i wanna look back and say hey, i do not regret every single step that i took when i was a freshie, listening to my mom's advice, changing my program, went through all the hustle bustle, sacrificing all the fun things in college because now, it feels so worth it.
and of course at that time, i, wanna hear people saying again,
"you must have made your parents proud"
and i do want to see them smiling proudly when the day comes and i also want to hear them saying that they bless everything that i've done in my life because as a daughter, i have satisfied them. :)
for love, that one. it's complicated yet difficult. so i am very aware and careful right now. one misleading step might lead to disasters to all my dreams. my dreams always come first. but i do wanna learn more about love in life now, like the love towards Allah, my lovely parents, family and friends.
so the conclusion is, I DON'T KNOW ABOUT YOUR DREAMS but no matter at which point that you're standing in life right now, you MUST have a dream, so CHASE it. put effort into it, sacrifice, and every time you feel like you're going to give up, remember the reasons why you want to have it so much and imagine when you finally ACHIEVE it. it will all be worth it, the pain, tears, sacrifices, all of them
remember, big dreams require big efforts, goodnight and assalamualaikum :))
Friday, March 20, 2015
Nak berubah tu memang susah kan?
Ya ampun berliku gila simpang dia.
Lagilah bila benda yg kita selalu buat tu dh jadi kebiasaan atau 'norm' masyarakat hari ni.
Rasa macam biasa.
And, memang x nampak islam tu kat environment jadi susah betul nak bayang macam mana n apelah yang dimaksudkan dgn biah solehah (islamic environment)
Hari tu, bila ustaz tu tegur dengan tegas,bab hukum2 ni..
Memang. Memang sama sebijik dengan apa yg blaja kat maahad dulu tapi x buat bila dh masuk u.
N bila ustaz tu tegur,
Tersentap dia ya Allah.
Macam sebijik kena tampar kat muka. Bak hang sungguh.
Pastu rasa macam, this is it.
Keyakinan tu datang dengan sangat kuat.
Sebelum ni ada jugaklah rasa macam nk improve kan.. nak islah..
Tapi x sampai benda tu..
And hri tu bila luahkan kat kwn maahad,
Semoga kau diberi taufiq.
And i'm like, ape beza taufiq ngan hidayah ni?
Pastu kawan tu cakap, hidayah tu petunjuk; dari segi ilmu, kau dapat ilmu tu, tahu mana betul n mana salahnya..
Taufiq pulak; kekuatan untuk kau lakukan benda tu.. contohnya, improve cara jaga aurat kau.. camtulah..
And i'm like amin..
Hari tu, malam tu.
Aq rasa cukup dengan smua dunia2 things.
Rasa macam sudahlah lalai2 ni.
X kemana and aq rasa hidup aq x tenang.
Aq nak jadi baik.
Kalau x dapat lengkap pun, aq nak cuba.
So first step aq, aq try delete dlu gmba2 kat insta..
Lama dah nak buat tapi bila tengok gmba2 masterpiece tu.. sayanglah pulak..
Tapi teringat bila ustaz tu cakap psl jaga pandangan..
Bila letak gamba kat insta dll mcm mana opposite gender nak jaga pandangan kan?
Sebab kita dah letak situ untuk ditatap.
So aq pun take down n tak fikir dah.
Delete delete delete.
Ok dari situ aq dh tolong opposite gender kt insta aq utk jaga pandangan dorg.
Tapi aq pulak? Kena jaga pandangan gak en.
Okay. Lepas tu aq unfollow pula account2 opposite gender dkt insta.
Hatta fernando torres sekalipun. (Dialah yg aq 1st unfollow sobs sobs)
Sebab torres x torres, pandangan kena jaga.
Pastu aq pn blockla account2 opposite2 gender ni..
N follower n following mmg trun ranaplah.
Bukan nak cerita pasal banyak ke sikit.
Tapi, rasa cam wuish banyak jugak dlu aq follow opposite gender ni.
N byk jugakla aq allow dorg tgok gamba2 before ni.
Mohon dosa lalu diampunkan. Amin.
Tengok ramai jugak kawan2 sekeliling yang nak improve diri masing2..
N x semena2 aq rse terharu n tenang..
Alhamdulillah Dia beri taufiq serentak kat kami semua..
N bila masing2 sama2 improve, rasa nak istiqomah n perbaiki diri tu lagi kuat.
Sebab kdg2 rse gak nak mcm dlu ke ape en, tp bila tgok kwn2 pn berubah, rasa macam seronoknyalah misi menjadi baik ni..
Sbb buat ramai2..
Fefeeling girls power gitu.
Ha sbnrnya sje share cerita ni.. xde niat lain2.. kalau ikutkan pjg lagi ceritanya.. tapi disharekan mana yg sempat kerana hendak menjalankan tugas sebagai khalifah di muka bumi ini dengan sifat tabligh (menyampaikan). Dakwah tu harus disampaikan.. dulu rasa macam x penting tanggungjawab ni.. pandang ringanlah jugak.. sebab yelah prinsip jangan jaga tepi kain orang..
Tapi salah tu sebenarnya..
Ada mereka yang nak berubah..
Yang nak cari jalan berubah..
Tapi x jumpa caranya..
Macam aq dulu?
Sebab tu kita kena jalankan tugas, sampaikan apa yang betul tu kepada semua..
Macam ustaz tu..
Kalaulah malam tu aq x dengar ceramah dia, mungkin aq still x yakin sepenuhnya untuk tinggalkan benda2 yang tak patut tu..
Sebab hukum Allah tu, kadang2 kita x tahu sebab dia, kenapa kena macam tu.. n kita rse macam xnaklah.. sebab mcm xbest..
N becus of that, aq nak share skit conversation aq dgn umi..
**Dengan umi aq mmg jujur je luah pendapat sbb aq nak jawapan n aq tahu umi selalu beri jawapan yg betul walaupun kadang2 bukan yg aq mahu..**
Aq tanya umi..
"kenapa xleh kawan ngn lelaki?
Dlm kelas tu dh macam family dh.. share ilmu masing2 dsbg. Xde rse mcm pelik2 ke ape pun.."
N umi jawab dgn tenangnya..
"sayang.. dalam dunia ni, banyak benda kita x tahu.. tapi Allah dah suruh, jadi kita buat jelah.. itu yg terbaik utk diri kita.."
N aq pun akur.. n bila fikir2 balik.. sbnrnya bila tgok org2 yg warak2 ni kan.. yg jaga tingkah laku dia..
Nampak ada nur kat muka tu.. nampak tenang je.. n aq fikir2 sebenarnya bila kita akur dengan kehendak Allah.. hukum2 Dia.. hati kita akan lebih tenang.. bcus we sacrifice our bad practice for a better life, hidup yang Allah janjikan, terbaik untuk kita.
Hmm thats all for tonight.. insyaAllah aq hrp kita smua akn saling tlg satu sama lain utk menjadi lebih baik.. ur actions inspire me and the rest so keep up the good deeds.. take a baby step xpe.. mula skit2.. and aq pun sbnrnya despite nak berubah kdg2 ada terbuat jugak yg lama2.. tapi cuba untuk x buat.. n banyak jugak lagi yg kena improve so mana salah silap tu tegurlah.. insyaAllah akan cuba slow2..
Wednesday, March 11, 2015
From the furthest road
Blanket made of shattered glass
Stretched-out wood becomes my pillow
And i feel numb
But i cant reach her
If the composition is sour and bitter
Fire and tears
Battles and failures
Blood and deaths
Thursday, March 5, 2015
At what point the time spent on critising others won't be useless?
You keep aging,
Become more n more unimportant to the society,
And soon one day,
Ur not in the league anymore,
U wont fit in.
Ur just an old lady n nobody cares.
The part when you chase your fame,
Does it lead you somewhere?
Somewhere just a lil bit there?
A place that you always rave about?
That even if you don't say, it shouts?
Its too much n im sick seeing fake people.
Faking life everywhere.
I dont care if ur life is miserable.
Dont show it.
Who are you to think that ur life is just a lil bit worse than others?
Who are you to keep on ranting on things that weren't even yours?
I draw the lines.
But please don't make me feel sick.
Don't make other people feel sick like everything is about you,
Who knows when?
So stop being so snobbish.
The world isn't yours and just about you.
Friday, January 23, 2015
Sunday, January 18, 2015
i never realize that time moves too fast until this happened and tomorrow i'm going to continue my last semester for foundation and after that, we'll be apart. i might not see naz syam n razeen come late to class anymore, i might not hate and argue with syam often. i might not get annoyed with nik and always nag her to accompany me whenever i wanna go somewhere. i might not even scream when syasya is being cute because i'm against it and i might also miss my conversations with copeh which truly fun and entertaining and i might miss hazirah's gossips too. and the rest of my classmates. it takes a long time to write but i'll miss something about each of them if we're apart one day.
on another level, it doesn't appear shocking to me anymore. this whole parting stuffs. i mean it does upset me, but it's just that, i'm growing up too fast and i'm afraid. i'm afraid of the need to really grow up, stop nagging and start being independent. i want to stay manja with my friends, mengada2 and still be happy. but i realize that it's not going to happen. working life is coming soon. money issues too. it's scary. and above all that, i'm afraid of death.
it's hard to even say this out loud. it's like all these thoughts are stuck in my throat and i'm suffocating to death. i probably even feel like throwing up. it's too much. i wanna tried to cherish my 19 age. the last moment to become kids even though they said that the time is up whenever you've reached 18. but all these haunting thoughts are too much, i feel like i'm wasting my time by having too much fun because sooner, i'll become old, i'll wrinkle and i will become incapable of lots of things. I even wonder how i'll fit in the new societies when they fancy over new technologies and i will be left behind clueless just like oldies nowadays. it'll be really hard to swallow all these.
i don't know why suddenly i felt like this. probably because of my recent visit to maahad and meeting the juniors... i don't know. i feel like sedarlah diri, you dah tua. it's hard and scary. i hope somehow, i can make this short young time beneficial before it's over, i wanna be a successful bright young woman and make my parents proud of my maturity when facing life difficulties. i want to do all these before the time comes and all they can say is, "you're old enough and you should do whatever you think is right, we will not interfere your life choice" rather than, "you have made a good choice in your life and for your future, we're proud of you."
Tuesday, January 13, 2015
So Hi and Assalamualaikum.
it's been a while since i've written anything here.
well tbh, i do miss writing, it feels lively to talk about something with full enthusiasm and passion.
2014 has been quite a year for me.
it felt good at certain part then it tumbledown and crashed until the end of 2014.
it was a heart-breaking year for malaysians too.
but i guess i will only tell about the good parts :)
um where do i start?
getting to enter uni earlier than anybody else.
i felt as if my life is all about studying like there's no break at all.
|first time going to the pasar malam n got left by the bus pastu mcm nak nanges sbb xtau cana nk balik|
|buruk beno tgkap gamba camni. lepas ni taubat dah. btw this is us, maahad--utp. lps tu smua kluar hahaha|
|csr - utp always emphasizes on a well-rounded student|
|i don't live here but this is the only picture that we managed to take before aem left utp|
|some of them aren't present during our night n this is my cafe; V5 Cafe a.k.a cafe ikan keli :D|
|dorang ni mmg kawan susah senang, and masing2 lawak gila banyak sangat dah tules appreciation pasai depa kat insta :D|
|we debated at mcD in the morning depan2 orang tgh breakfast babe-so hardcore punyalah XD|
and zulaikha (that tudung merah) is my debate bae/bae makan maggi malam2 XD
|otw to mcD for debate with trisya|
and my spm result was out, i left utp and went to uia,
|after all the sweat and tears, we managed to smile and be thankful to Allah :)|
|yang melompat tu budak darjah satu|
|amali pertanian is not just about cangkul and tanah, sometimes it involves cendawan and selfie|
|my love, my life :)|
|our first family day :)|
He wanted to save me. He didn't want me to turn out as a cocky person, maybe person yang lupa tuhan.
so then, my sem 2 didn't turn out well, with the results and everything.
berapa kali rasa nak nanges, nak quit, nak give up.
rasa like why everything turned out to become otherwise?
i thought it's going to be a smooth ride.
but then... lama lps tu.. i fikir2..
and bila cuti sem.. i kinda get to redha of what He decided for me..
i realize that it is the best for me.
He planned it that way, not to hurt me, but to let me learn and realize that everything is His. and therefore, i shall not be proud of myself or my success because everything came from Him and i am just nothing. thanks Allah for making me realize that before it was too late :)
so all in all, i've finished 2 semesters in upm now and going to continue my 3rd semester next week. I'm glad He showed me the way and make me realize all that. so i'm all gear up for 3rd sem, my last sem with the family and also, hopefully as a new person for 2015.