i think, the scariest part of growing up is when you realize that you're not in school anymore and whenever you go there, things have become so much difference and you saw people growing up and new people coming in. it's too much feel to put in words. it's scary.
i never realize that time moves too fast until this happened and tomorrow i'm going to continue my last semester for foundation and after that, we'll be apart. i might not see naz syam n razeen come late to class anymore, i might not hate and argue with syam often. i might not get annoyed with nik and always nag her to accompany me whenever i wanna go somewhere. i might not even scream when syasya is being cute because i'm against it and i might also miss my conversations with copeh which truly fun and entertaining and i might miss hazirah's gossips too. and the rest of my classmates. it takes a long time to write but i'll miss something about each of them if we're apart one day.
on another level, it doesn't appear shocking to me anymore. this whole parting stuffs. i mean it does upset me, but it's just that, i'm growing up too fast and i'm afraid. i'm afraid of the need to really grow up, stop nagging and start being independent. i want to stay manja with my friends, mengada2 and still be happy. but i realize that it's not going to happen. working life is coming soon. money issues too. it's scary. and above all that, i'm afraid of death.
it's hard to even say this out loud. it's like all these thoughts are stuck in my throat and i'm suffocating to death. i probably even feel like throwing up. it's too much. i wanna tried to cherish my 19 age. the last moment to become kids even though they said that the time is up whenever you've reached 18. but all these haunting thoughts are too much, i feel like i'm wasting my time by having too much fun because sooner, i'll become old, i'll wrinkle and i will become incapable of lots of things. I even wonder how i'll fit in the new societies when they fancy over new technologies and i will be left behind clueless just like oldies nowadays. it'll be really hard to swallow all these.
i don't know why suddenly i felt like this. probably because of my recent visit to maahad and meeting the juniors... i don't know. i feel like sedarlah diri, you dah tua. it's hard and scary. i hope somehow, i can make this short young time beneficial before it's over, i wanna be a successful bright young woman and make my parents proud of my maturity when facing life difficulties. i want to do all these before the time comes and all they can say is, "you're old enough and you should do whatever you think is right, we will not interfere your life choice" rather than, "you have made a good choice in your life and for your future, we're proud of you."