i think the key is to not look at people

eden - the other way round

sometimes,
u've reached to a point,
when u don't know where to look at,
or to whom ur going to hold on to,
it's like u've lost all the reasons that u used to believe in..

i'm adapting to changes,
and to people..
and it's tough..
and i feel like quitting..

but even though i don't have anywhere to look at,
or someone that i can hold on to,
or probably a friend to share my green and gray day..
i still need to try..
because out there,
there are people who believe in me..
there are people who want to know that i'm all right..
and i cannot disappoint them..
their sadness is my grief too..
because i love them that much..

i think,
at this level,
it's okay to break down,
it's okay to let the tears out,
it's okay to be all unhappy and sad..
because i've already hit the breaking point and i supposed to break..
but let it just be a pause,
where i become all messed up but in the end things will be okay..
let it be that way..
because i just cannot expect more from life

whatev

so, it's been almost 2 months as i ventured into the university life..
and, idk..
i miss blogging that badly but it just that i cannot and i don't know what to write..
there are too many things happened that when i wanted to write it out,
it feels like as if i'm speechless when i wanna talk..
cuz there's too many things..
and yep, probably because now i'm used to staying alone and not talking to people that much like i used to do..
i never thought about it until ajean told me that if we stay alone, our communication skills will probably deteriorate..
and that scares me, out of all this thing is this world, why. my. communication. skills.
i will spend my life as a loner and feel frustrated, depressed all by myself if i don't have a good communication skills..
and i never want it to happen..
i always, always if i have a bad time, talk to someone,
or my friends or my sis..
i just need to talk and everything feels fine..
also when i'm happy or overexcited, i will talk to someone..
like i love being expressive and let others know what i feel..
i mean share everything..
but now, since like it's a new environment,
and i'm staying alone..
i cannot like suddenly change the weather..
or,
i do tell someone but they won't understand it as much as my friends do..
they'll be like oh.. yeah.. and idk responses that hmm..

to be honest,
i miss my girls badly..
and i do call some of them daily when i walk to my class,
but there're so many things and when i'm walking, i cannot tell them about private matters/gossiping and it's just not fun..
cuz i prefer calling them in my room and chat all day long but maxis is just being maxis and the coverage is bad..
so yeah..

byk benda kena pendam..
and sometimes i just wish that there will be at least one of them here with me,
so i can walk, eat and share stories with them all day long..
it will be totally fun..

hmmm

tp ape pun, ade hikmah gak aq sorg2...
i get to know new people..
well to be exact, awesome people..
the pantai timur girls..
they are really funny, and baik sgt..
i was touched..
x sgka akn jmpe kwn2 mcm ni..
happening je depa smua...
sgt helpful and positive thinking..

oh n btw, bdk2 plkn nk blk dh..
aq x saba gle nk jmpe dorg..
everybody's like, i have a LOADS of storiessss
and i'm like me toooooooooooooooo
and td ckp ngn fizah pn she's like, kau msti pendam sorg2 kan skrg..
aq xyah ckp pn dorg dh fhm.. ni lah besties..
tp pape pun,
i'm looking forward for our meet up!
giler rindu kut dgn kwn2 skolah..
hmm life would change like forever for all of us..
so i just wanna cease a moment just for our last memory together...

p/s: i feel boring writing this post cuz i'm just not as expressive as before but yeah

ntahlah..

n friends

"usually, when people leave, you are left with nothing"

i still remember the very first moment of our times before we are officially enrolled as UTP's students..

i still remember that time when i almost give up from going to the interview just because i cannot find a homestay..

and at that time, jat was encouraging me to go n she also offered me to stay at her homestay if i can't find one..

and jat was staying with all her siblings and parents which makes a total of 6 people and she still offered me to stay with her..

at that time, i was really touched..

i felt like Allah is too kind to send me this great people along my journey..

and alhamdulillah i've managed to get a homestay that night..

and that morning, i woke up very early for the interview..

i was the 6th or 7th person queuing up for the interview.. 

hah i only come early for the first day of everything in my life lol..

then we, the hamidians sat together, most of us..

and i sat besides jat n hanna n we listen to the speech n etc..

and i still remember how nervous nyem was..

she was texting aina eventho they sat nearby cuz she's too nervous to speak XD

i was nervous too.. but at that time something distracted me and i just couldn't feel nervous since i have something else on my mind..

then we went to interview together and to make it short,

most of us have made it..

we received an offer letter from utp and i still remember how excited i was that night calling jat and asked her to straight away check her application status and OMG!

we get the same course!!!

life just couldn't be better, i thought :)

and from all of us who received the offer,

only 4 of us accepted the offer..

me, anyem, ajean n jat..

n to make things again, better,

jat n i r room mates!!!

everything was easy from the beginning..

the way Allah has planned it for me..

and day by day we spent our time together,

sometimes we laughed and joked..

sometimes we argued..

but at the end of the day,

we are still best friends :)

and i never expected that this day will come..

jat has decided that she's going to pursue her study in science department..

and aem got an offer letter from KYS n she's going too..

so at the same time,

2 people, my best friends r going..

and i couldn't say more..

deep inside..

i feel terribly sad and lonely..

but i believe in Allah..

i believe that He has a better plan for each of us..

and i believe that He has planned something better for jat..

as a servant,

i couldn't say more than being grateful that at the end of the day,

whatever happens,

it's the best thing that He planned for us..

"John Lennon said : everything will be okay, if it's not okay, it's not the end"

so that's that..

sooner or later..

things might be a lil bit different..

but eventually it will come to a good ending :)

and to aem,

i'll miss ur coolness..

and ur reaction and determination when it comes to cepi..

hahaha..

and i still remember that day when we went to pasar malam for the first time in utp..

and the bus left us..

i was really lucky to have u with me or else i guess i'll be fainting or crying or even dying because of anxiety..

i just worried too much sometimes lol..

and aem is always like,

smua yg jd tu ada hikmah dia..

and we met ur uncle tgh jln..

what an unexpected incident..

and the memory of us staying late at night during mas..

what a life

:)

and to jat..

i can't say more..

thanks for being patient with me through all this time..

thanks for coping with my imperfections..

thanks for understanding my emotionally-dragged personality..

you, somehow have changed the way i look at things..

you, have made me realized about my false attitude towards people..

the way you care and try to understand people is amazing..

i never thought that somebody like you actually exist..

to be honest..

and when i knew it,

i just wanted to be like you..

caring and understanding..

and looking back at the pictures during mas..

god, i have a lot of our pictures together and it's soo memorable..

i still remember during the gimic,

when we r chatting at the back..

feeling shocked when that kid rebels to the facees and stuffs..

and lol.

it was a gimic..

what a funny time isn't it?

and during tht time, we're walking together at night back from the class and there was nobody cuz we used the longer road when there's actually a shorter one *that we didn't know at that time*

and we saw this foreigner besides the road and i was like..

weyy dia buat ap tu?? weyyyy jalan laju2....

and actually he was taking picture of the scenery or something lol..

hahah..

what a memorable thing to be reminisced.

sometimes,

i thought parting with people is a bad thing..

i thought that when somebody leaves,

he/she will leave me with nothing..

but u guys proved me that i was wrong..

even though you guys are leaving,

you guys have left me with something nice to remember about..

you guys have given me beautiful memories to look at for my first chapter of university's life..

thanks for everything..

i wish the best for you guys..

and be happy with whatever you guys will do in future..

enjoy each moment in life..

and most importantly,

don't forget to seek for a friend like me so that i don't have to worry much if i'm not there with you guys.. 

heheh..

a run

i never feel her pains this close, ever since last year.
now it feels so near, i can feel it bleeds.
i can feel the pain again and again.
emotionally.
my heart feels painful.

and when it's too much.
all i can do is only,
escaping.
and praying.

anyway

i realized tht when im at uni..
im far from my family n friends..
and even when i hve problems..
i don't express it like before..
i don't cry, scream or hug my friends..
i don't talk to my mom..
cuz the thing is,
im far from them n even if i tell them, they cant do anything n also i dont want them to worry much
besides every problem has a solution..
and when the road seems too dark for me to walk,
ill sit down and rest for a while until something lights up or i just walk blindly..
because that just feels like the right thing to do..
being sad, angry or depressed,
all those negative stuffs,
are definitely normal..
and i admit that i used to cry and cry and cry a lot when i dunno what to do..
but now,
even crying seems pointless..
being blank and stupid seems so much better..

sometimes a long shower would help..
relieving and calming my emotions..
idk..
now its more abt being on ur own..
everything..
even when it seems like i couldnt do it..
either way, i just have to and should find a way...

so thats basically a lil bit of what ive discovered about myself now..
i think ive changed a bit..
when it comes to conflict n crisis lol..
but i know this is just the tip of the iceberg..
anyway, im still finding a way to be more emotionally stable..
as ive always been so sensitive to things..

priceless