choices

back then, i don't like to make choices..
for anything, coz i don't want to be responsible for whatever that may happen afterwards..
at least, i can blame somebody if something happen and not myself..
true i'm a selfish but i just like to be in my comfort zone not choosing and when something happen, the blame goes half-half,  the person who choose for decides and surely, bad effect goes to me *if it is related

coz i don't like feeling guilty when making mistakes, facing consequences and so on..
but the thing is, whenever i succeed doing something, the feeling is limited, coz yeah still it's not what i really want, it's somebody decision that i've followed..

and after things happen like that for certain times, i realized that people tend to make decision for my life coz they know that i can't make even one on my own..
and suddenly, it exceeds to a point which annoys me coz i'm not living my own life...
i'm not pushing myself to decide, pursue what i want and most importantly, face the consequences that happen afterwards...

I AM A COWARD

but then i wake up and i realize that i'm not living a happy life which is my OWN life..
coz if whatever happens, even an explosion, i won't regret every single thing that happen IF i'm the one who make the decision.. i will be satisfied enough for myself.. at least for at least if somebody want to say anything about what happen and so on, i will say shut up, i've made my decision and you, get off my way..
you're no longer precious in my life HAHAH...
coz the thing is, people would never understand you, even if they put themselves in your shoes..
they just don't, trust me!
you are the one who live your life and know what you're best at and what you're not..
and knowing certain reasons why you decide on something is satisfying enough than doing things without knowing the reason why you did that..
also, when you said, i've decided..............
it means, whatever happens afterwards, you'll step forward and face it!
and even if you stumble down, you will try and try your best to wake up.. you won't blame somebody for dropping you there and leaving you alone :)

and yes, this moment,
i want to make my own decision.. for my life and my future..
yes, i'm too young and i need advice, i don't deny that but i believe doing something whole-heartedly is more worth it..
i still listen to advice and so on, but then i want to decide whatever it is, on my own..

hahah i find that this is a huge improvement that happens in my life now,
it's like i've step forward to take that challenge.. i'm not a coward anymore and believe me, i just think that i've grown up :P

i want to chase my own dreams :)