the so messed up post

p/s: i write and write and when i read it back, it sounds like a cow.. i think my brain speaks cow and is not functioning well right now

so today, i'm officially finished my last trial paper!!!!
you don't know how awesome that feels like!
like seriously..
these past three weeks have been a great torture to me..
IMAGINE!
every single night, before going to sleep, i always thought about  HOW I AM NOT SO PREPARED FOR THIS EXAM n HOW COULD IT BE SO SOOOON n HOW SPM WOULD BE SOO NEARRR..
and i tried hardly to sleep thinking that having exam on the other day is like a nightmare..
every night, i cannot believe myself that MANNN  I REALLY REALLY HAVE MY TRIAL EXAM TOMORROW!!!!!
and that's awful..
bcuz of too stress, i distracted myself by tweeting or watching short vlogs..
and the next day i'll be like, I'M SOO NOT GOING TO SCHOOL TODAY BECAUSE I'M NOT PREPARED AT ALL AND I CAN'T BELIEVE THAT I REALLY HAVE EXAMS AND when i reached school, that unbelievable feeling is still there and WHEN. WHEN. i see the questions i'll be like, oh! this is freaking real...
and answering the questions was like pfftttt..
i was like oh i so don't know about this and i should be prepared next time for spm, no time to play around dah.. lucky me this is trial, next time i should do it better..
and no matter how terrible my answers are, i just cannot be sad because i know that the blame is on me right from the start and i cannot do anything more than just planning to be better after this.
i mean. it sucks.
but i hope everything is going to turn out well miraculously because we can never stop hoping until things have became permanent..
so i'm hoping and praying because that's the only thing i can do now, study more and better planning..
cuz it's all in all what i should give back to my parents..
i, as a child, live a high cost life..
my parents need to pay, sacrifice and do SOO many things for me..
which i feel bad.
and i'm not like the most awesome child in the world, i could be the worst though...

but.
i thought about all the tuition fees and stuffs..
and one night i was awake and i heard mum n dad talking about ptptn..
and i would feel totally ashamed and guilty if they apply me for ptptn because of what i've put them through and still not giving back what i supposed to give as a daughter..
i think you get it..

on the other hand,
i am very optimistic right now and believe that i should be better and plan better and do everything better because of my parents.. and also for the sake of my love towards knowledge.. i mean.. i love discovering new things, learning.. it's awesome.. i just don't fancy exam somehow.. but if i don't do well in spm, i won't be able to discover more amazing things beyond.. and i would miss all those things.. and that's why i should do well, so that i can give back to my parents, show a good example to my sister, gain the opportunities to hunt for more and better knowledge and be a good muslim..

i realized that the more the knowledge you have, the more powerful you become as a muslim..
and you will also have more power to change the world to a better place, gain trust and give hopes..
if i'm not an intelligent and known person, my Prime Minister won't probably hears my so-reasonable-but-doesn't-sound-quite-reasonable-thought.. so do the people.. everybody wants something that sounds legit..
if you yourself are not a successful person in life than how will your plans become successful?
they will question that..

oyeah and also with more knowledge, we will be more exposed to things, facts and realities..
we will know and discuss big deals, the real problem and so.
because intellectual people get those opportunities to join in big discussions and their life always surround by great people, great problems, great facts and etc...

so that's why..
i think i've written so many things i can feel my head spinning right now..
so till then :)