if one day

one day.
i want to be a grown up.
i don't like it. but i think i have to.
i can't be a dependent person 24/7
i'm a khalifah and i have duty to be made.
and khalifah itself means leader. leader is somebody who doesn't rely on other's shoulder.
sooner or later..
i need to.

i am still searching myself..
like today i'm like this,
tomorrow i'm different.
i wish life is as simple as ABC
then i can learn it easily.
but it's different.
each action produces effects and give impacts to people.
and it will continue on and on like a rolling wheel.

i have one thing that i want to preserve and maintain
it's my iman.
i want to put Him first.
but sometimes i forgot.
sometimes i just can't help it.

i want to be myself..
i want to be a good person..
but i just can't have both..
i want to isolate myself from boys..
and be totally strict against ikhtilat n all..
but i can't
cuz everything has pros and cons..
and in order to achieve something, sometimes you just need to do it..
legally i mean..

like.
to get new knowledge and share thoughts which is not illegal but.
it makes me feel different than being myself..

i used to hate that..
but now i'm used to it which makes me feel different..

and to be honest,
i feel peace when boys are not around.
i feel peace when life is harmony..
when boys are not around, life feels more meaningful..

it's not that i want boys to vanish from this world..
i just want to become myself more