how i wish that i'm not the adult that i used to hate back then

i used to hate adults when i was a child for not understanding me..
i hated the way adults don't believe whatever i was trying to say simply because i'm a lil kid..
i hated them for not able to give me a legit reason for doing so..

that was me. back then..

but now, i am a grown up..
i am an adult to children..
surprisingly, i can't become an adult that i dreamed to be when i was a child..
i can't give legit reasons to children when they don't understand my decisions..
all i think is that, they are children and they won't understand how i've made the right choice..
but that's not important cuz i know better than them..

but the thing is,
sometimes, i feel bad for being an adult that i hated so much when i was a child..
although i understand them now, why they did that but still...
i am just the same person like them back then..
and it hurts to hate them back then and wish for something better yet i didn't change anything when i am actually in the position to change it..

so..
i thought for a while..
about how actually i wanted adults to treat me back then..
but i can't remember that much because i'm not a child anymore..
i don't understand how they feel that something soo small as important,
i can't be them now because i've grown up and the way i see things is different from back then..

i wish when i was a child,
i have a notebook to write all my unsatisfied feelings toward adults so when i am an adult i would understand kids better..
and i can become a better adult...

so maybe.. it's too late for now to grab a time machine and become a kid again..
but maybe what i can do now is to try my best to understand the kids and explain to them how i feel bad being an adult that i hated before.. and ask them to write a diary about their thoughts on life and adults so that when they grow up, they won't repeat the same mistakes like me and become a better adult :)

p/s: i'll write the conclusion later :D

i used to be like them before

including kids :)

the good side of the bad side

i am grateful to know everybody that i know 

thanks teacher

this year,
i have a very low expectation for my biology subject..
and today my biology teacher was talking to a girl and she mentioned my name..
cikgu sebenarnya aim.. sape dia.. ha, munierah dpt tggi (lebih kurang mcm nilah)
and i was behind that girl and i was really excited and asked:
teacher, betul ke?? teacher aim saya dpt tggi? kenapa saya? *grin*
and teacher was like, haah cikgu aim awak dapat tggi.. sbb tulah cikgu rasa mcm awak akn dpt tggi (lebih kurang kut)
i silent for a while..
then cikgu tunjuk markah past year, tahun ni and my targeted mark by the system..
i show some improvement and teacher said.. ha.. oklah ni sikit lagi..
and i look at teacher and said..
x pe cikgu, trial nnt saya cuba capai target ni :D
and she smiled and said ha trial nnt cuba betul2x..

after that,
i feel so motivated..
like if my teacher can believe in me,
why can't i believe in myself?

haha sebenarnya jujur cakap..
nak berubah tu.. 85% sebab trharu dgn kata2x cikgu..
and.. of course rasa semangat bila cikgu target kita dapat tinggi..
x kesahlah sekarang ni markah rendah ke tak..
yang penting cikgu dah target tggi,
so now tggal nak prove kan je dkt cikgu yg aq boleh :D

p/s: sekarang masa untuk pandang depan dan tinggalkan semua yang dah lepas :) oh btw now i can finish my writing!!! #Finally

talk.

there are times when you feel upset,
there are times when you feel depressed,
there are times when you feel down,
and all you need to do is talk..

find somebody,
not the one that you only trust,
but.
you feel comfortable to talk with,

you don't need an expert,
you don't need a psychologist,
you don't need twitter,
you don't need facebook,
you don't need the whole world to listen to your problem..

all you need is somebody who you feel safe to talk to
and somebody who you know will understand your feelings..

the reason is because,
talking to people can actually lessen your burden,
knowing that somebody is there for you,
listening to all your story..
you will know that you're not alone,
and sometimes their thoughts help..
even though sometimes it feels like it is just to comfort you,
but still,
it DOES comfort you..

and there are also times when,
their thoughts can really help you..
because..
sometimes they see what you can't see
and with their view, they can help you through all these problems

and the thing is..
you won't know whether they have the solutions or not
IF you don't talk to them..
you won't know whether somebody really understand you
IF you don't share your problems with them..

and..
you won't lose anything if ANY of the good things above didn't happen to you..
at least, you give a try and make efforts to lessen your burden..
and trust me,
despite the good words and advice, having somebody to listen to your problems is pretty much everything..

try talking to people rather than believing in your own thoughts
because sometimes, we are blinded by our own feelings..
and of course, we won't be able to make the right decisions..
having others insight to your problems can actually help you to neutralize your opinion..

at least...
listen to others thoughts..
then decide on your own what do you want to do..
just have their views..
like i said, you have nothing to lose..

oh btw,
i know that there are certain conditions when it's hard to tell people around you about the problems..
sometimes it reveals your flaws and you don't want to let people to know how weak you are and how you are not actually what they think you are..
yup.. nobody wants to let people see their real flaws..
so what should you do?
talk..
i mean talk but not to your close ones..
because i know you don't feel like it..
it's like, you tell them everything then the next day in school,
you will feel very much insecure with that person because he/she knows your flaws..
so. find some strangers and talk to them..
i know this may sound weird but to me it is quite fun..
i personally love talking to strangers..
you can just talk to them.. spill everything and you may put some lies also because haha they don't know the real stories and they don't know who you are.. so yeah..
what you need is just their view..
and solutions to your problems..
don't worry about adding up stories and everything..
if you feel like it then do it..
remember you just need the solutions and that person is not going to know about it..
because he/she is just a stranger who comes and goes easily in your life..
they won't really care about the problems you have and everything..
but they can lend their ears for you if you want them to and give some advice..
which is the only thing you need..
a listener and a couple of advice..

so i think that's pretty much it..

just talk and spill everything..
remember you have nothing to lose :)

p/s: talking to strangers sometimes benefits you a lot.. cuz, usually they will have very very different thoughts that don't even click in your mind.. i think it's because of the different backgrounds and how they think.. so yeah have a nice day :D

i found the missing piece :)

yesterday i saw fattah's tweet inviting several people for their training at sais including me..
at first i was 50-50 whether to go or not..
cuz i have lost my debate spirit recently..
i dunno how i ended up at this road..
i dunno why i debate in the first place..
i mean out of the blue i just join debate and now i can't find the reason why i am here
and there are several problems arise..

i am confused so i decided to take a break from the debate world..

but suddenly i thought about this..
the sri ayeshans have been so kind to us, the hamidians..
i remembered how they always tried their best to come if we have training..
and also the supports they always give to us..
i feel touched. deep.
they did many things for us..
too many..

so i think it's time to show our gratitude to them :)
and i made up my mind to go
i arrived a lil bit late cuz i need to make sure my lil sis takes her medicine..

the moment i arrived, i opened the door and everybody in the room is sri ayeshan except fakhry
i admit it.
i was afraid..


but then we had a debate and discussed together..
we talked about enemy combatant, mine craft, studies and lots of stuffs..
it was really fun..
and they treated me just like a family..
i feel like i'm a part of them..
i feel like i'm also a family..
and from that moment i started to saw my reflection being so excited in these things and competitive and so..
the spirit slowly grows back..
i can't let things go..
if i don't believe it i will like ask and argue
and for some reasons it's fun :)

to be honest..
i found back the missing piece of the me..
i found back the part that i miss sooo much

i feel blessed
i feel grateful

all these great feeling just like come all together

and i feel touched :')

thanks kamalia, maryam, fattah, fakhry, eri for today..
it may seem like a normal training,
but it brings a big difference to me..
it brings back my missing piece..

i guess 

does mean something this year :')

.

never give up before trying.

never regret after doing.

always be grateful for everything.

it's me

okaylah
face it..
it's not about my parents
it's not about exams
i just want to quit n maybe take a break until everything has settle down..
a lil bit maybe it's about the people
however i still don't want to..
nobody would understand any of this
thus i choose to keep it to myself and make the right choice..
to be honest, i prefer to leave

not really necessary

recently, i can't finish my posts.. i write it only halfway and drafted it..

people inspire people. -drafted for a few days-

prologue:
i've never been that excited to wait for rainbow..
it's raining as i'm going back home..
and staring through the window pane, i thought for a while..
before this, ever since i was a lil kid,
i never felt excited to watch rainbow after the rain like other kids..
i don't value nature that much..
i don't even memorize the colors of the rainbow, it has seven colors if i'm not mistaken..
that's the close that i can get..
i don't feel the joy of watching that colorful thing which comes only once in a while after the rain and maybe thunderstorm..

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

so, lately, it hasn't been a fine life for me.. lol~
trying to cope with responsibilities, i'm almost knock down
feel like giving up most of the time
i'm not okay with everything simply because i dislike it
i mean, doing things that you dislike but you still need to do it because it's your responsibility is exhausting..
i know i shouldn't say this.
when you take a responsibility, you need to take everything as a whole
and hey, we already know that there will always be a PROBLEM. at least one.

so figuring out why i was doing all these things,
i feel depressed and i don't know.
sometimes i feel like maybe i live a life which is too fine and i'm not used to hardship so that's why..
and sometimes i hate myself from being that way..
i hate myself for being so lame and spoil, i'm very used to asking people's help instead of working things out by myself.
and i hate it. i try to change but the thought that you need to get some help always in my mind.. i don't like doing things alone.

I
DON't
know.

really. haish. feeling exhausted and all, i just want to let go.
but my inner thought came and keep saying. try and try or at least finish what you have started.

and during these bad times,
i received beautiful thoughts from people..
the way they view world inspires me.
reading their thoughts makes me feel blessed that Allah sent them to inspire me

i just want to share their thoughts here, because maybe out there, you who are reading this, will be inspired too

i dunno why, but suddenly if felt very happy when i saw kak ulfah wrote: i really wanna see u enjoy doing things u do.. and i thought, even other people want to see me happy, why can't i be happy for myself and live a happy life? and my life gets better the next day lol xD

seeing this, it makes me realize that sometimes we just need to look up to those who are more unfortunate than us and start to be grateful with what we have.. when we are grateful, we won't ask for more and start enjoying even the little things that happening around us, life will be more meaningful

reading this, i feel better and a lot calmer.. whatever path that i'm going to take after this, i'm going to make sure that it's a path that i won't regret and fattah is right, it's okay to take some times to figure it out, i still got lots of times before spm ends :P 

guys,

the thing is, 

keep inspiring others in many ways because what you say or what you do may keep them walk in the right way..

^_^

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

last chapter:

and,

as i watch the rain, i said to myself, look, this is not going to last long! the rainbow will come!!

and i also believe that whatever happen,

Allah knows best and everything happens for a reason

and i hold on to that, His promises :)

~grammar mistakes is mainstream in my writing - what to do lol~

the song.

HALL OF FAME 
Yeah, you can be the greatest
You can be the best
You can be the King Kong banging on your chest

You could beat the world
You could beat the war
You could talk to God, go banging on his door

You can throw your hands up
You can beat the clock (yeah)
You can move a mountain
You can break rocks
You can be a master
Don't wait for luck
Dedicate yourself and you gon' find yourself

Standing in the hall of fame (yeah)
And the world's gonna know your name (yeah)
'Cause you burn with the brightest flame (yeah)
And the world's gonna know your name (yeah)
And you'll be on the walls of the hall of fame

You can go the distance
You can run the mile
You can walk straight through hell with a smile

You could be the hero
You could get the gold
Breaking all the records they thought never could be broke

Yeah, do it for your people
Do it for your pride
How you ever gonna know if you never even try?

Do it for your country
Do it for your name
'Cause there's gonna be a day...

When you're standing in the hall of fame (yeah)
And the world's gonna know your name (yeah)
'Cause you burn with the brightest flame (yeah)
And the world's gonna know your name (yeah)
And you'll be on the walls of the hall of fame

Be a champion, be a champion, be a champion, be a champion
On the walls of the hall of fame

Be students
Be teachers
Be politicians
Be preachers
(Yeah)

Be believers
Be leaders
Be astronauts
Be champions
Be truth seekers

Be students
Be teachers
Be politicians
Be preachers

Be believers
Be leaders
Be astronauts
Be champions

Standing in the hall of fame (yeah, yeah, yeah)
And the world's gonna know your name (yeah, yeah, yeah)
'Cause you burn with the brightest flame (yeah, yeah, yeah)
And the world's gonna know your name (yeah, yeah, yeah)
And you'll be on the walls of the hall of fame

(You can be a champion)
You could be the greatest
(You can be a champion)
You can be the best
(You can be a champion)
You can be the King Kong banging on your chest

(You can be a champion)
You could beat the world
(You can be a champion)
You could beat the war
(You can be a champion)
You could talk to God, go banging on his door

(You can be a champion)
You can throw your hands up
(You can be a champion)
You can beat the clock
(You can be a champion)
You can move a mountain
(You can be a champion)
You can break rocks

(You can be a champion)
You can be a master
(You can be a champion)
Don't wait for luck
(You can be a champion)
Dedicate yourself and you gonna find yourself
(You can be a champion)

Standing in the hall of fame


got inspired? i do :)

clarity

it's the moment that you need to grow up in life and make ur own choice,
it's the moment you will fly with your own wings, get hurts and move on
it's the nature of life.
and the 17 years experiences is all what you have for your next journey to a new phase : becoming an adult

believe it or not.
at this point, we supposedly know what we want in life or what we want to pursue
or some are still searching for it

but this is the climax moment in your life because the decision that you will make will determine the whole path that you're taking in your life.

so what do i want to pursue?

considering the fact that it is for a life time,
i search for something that i would LOVE to do for the rest of my life
something that i won't regret even if i fail doing it
something that is called passion where i will find unlimited satisfaction in doing it


at this point, it's not just about what i thought i will love to do,
it's also about whether it suits me, my character and the special qualities that i have.
i need to search for something that i will be good at


and i'm still searching for that.
i'm still searching for good qualities/good things about me that will become the reason that i suit certain carrier.
( tell me if you found one. cuz i haven't found any >< )
there are things that i thought i would love to do like:
1st : Forensic scientist
- i think it's going to be fun solving crimes and ensuring justice is uphold in this world. i know it's going to be a tough path but i really really love it. just that i'm afraid some soul will ask for my help masa tgh bedah mayat or whatever and hey i may get a heart attack LOL xD

2nd: Getting involve in Food Industries 
- come on! who doesn't love food?? and i believe it will be fun spending my whole life with FOOD or specifically maybe i would focus on CHOCOLATE!! mannn LIFE SURELY IS FUN.

problems:
- mom doesn't has the same thought as mine.
- she doesn't feel that girls should be busy with works rejecting the 1st option.
- secondly, she said that working opportunities in food industries are very limited nowadays and the probability that you won't get any work is 98% and her arguments are valid which rejected the second option.
- she told me to take science social like her. and for a moment i believe i would love to do that. but hey, as life goes on, i began to realize that i don't understand people much and i don't even bother to understand them. i feel that it's a waste of time feeling miserable for others but you you don't have sympathy for yourself. frankly speaking, i would love to care about myself more than what others feel because people will never feel satisfied with us and trying to satisfy them is tiring. i would rather choose to satisfy myself now.
- i used to say that if i take psychology i would focus on kids because i love kids. and it's true that i love kids, i want to help them coping with life nowadays. but again and again i feel that it's more important to focus on your family rather than other peoples' kids. i mean. i already have lots of kids in my family and i feel that it's vital to help them first. having your minds on other people will lessen your interest on your family. and also many people have already involved in this field, and kids are protected nowadays because we have moved to another level and people began to have realization on those things that i would love to do if i'm in the psychology branch. nothing much that i want to change so i'll say that the status quo is fine now, i don't need to barge in that particular branch because i'm already satisfied with what were having now. the society now listen to kids voice, giving them opportunities to speak and parents realize the needs of the children to be fulfilled. kalau autism, they will provide them with good care, hantar pergi special class. it's okay now.
- i told mom i don't want to do this. and she told me to learn arabic and belajar agama. it's good but again i don't feel the passion in doing it for my whole lifetime. Okay maybe i cn take it fr minor course but i still want to have something else as my major course. and it's a serious matter to me. i want to do something i like and i will be good at and i don't see myself in this.

so i said to mom: Syakirah should be a psychologist (she wants to be one) because she suits it. but i don't think any of your options suit me. that's why i reject  it and let's just put this aside for the time being and let me go through spm first. i know sometimes mom knows best but for this big thing, i would say let time decides.

hahah. i'm honest with opinions. and i know some might have trouble with that.

oh btw.
"doing things that you like for the rest of your life matters the most"

thx for reading. your thoughts would be much appreciated.

confused.

seriously.
i dunno what i want
i mean i know what i want but i just can't help myself from feeling confused,
i listened and sorta believed what others believe eventho it was the opposite of my stand..
i mean.
ugh this is ugly.

i starting from now,
hate school even more..
i mean this is more real than before..
i hate it.
i hate having classes till evening everyday..
they took our freedom of playing/resting or doing whatever we want during evening.
i mean yeah it's school program like yada yada
but school supposed to end at 2:20 p.m.
why? because school is a place for you to study, express ur creativity, show your talent, and improve urself
but the thing is.
we don't go to school for 24/7 even if it's good.
why? because there's always limit in everything.
if u overdo it, u will spoil it.
even in islam, ur not being told to pray 24/7,
because ur not a robot.
Allah also told us to travel and discover the world,
see new things.. learn and love

but my thought brings the second argument.
redha cikgu and all..
argh seriously can't finish this post

time.

did you realize how time flies so fast?
i just want to freeze the moment that i cherish and enjoy it more.
just a lil bit more.
mostly my form 4 moments,
the best year i had in maahad...

but the thing is.
Allah told us to chase the time
keep running and running
if you stop,
you will be left way f                a                                 r
behind.
and why does Allah ask us to do so?
because did you realize?
if the moment of you spilling milk and laugh with ur two teeth feels so good you just want to live in it forever,
you won't see the rainbow ahead.
simply because you never see the rain.
without rain, there won't be any rainbow.

and there won't be any special joyful moment after that-teary-bloody-sweaty-moments

simply saying,
yes. we have to go through all those moments.
don't give up, don't turn back.
live ur life now to the fullest because there's not going to be a second time.
nobody can replace today.
and also don't worry about sad things, create a new happiness today like you've done before..
everybody can go through it.

"Allah tidak akan membebani seseorang melainkan mengikut kadar kemampuannya"

dan yakinlah,

“Kerana sesungguhnya sesudah kesulitan itu ada kemudahan, sesungguhnya sesudah kesulitan itu ada kemudahan.”(Surah al-Insyirah: 5-6)

Holiday

Simply saying,
School wll be back in less than 48 hours
And tika inilah kemalasan melanda di tahap optimum utk mnjenguk bku2 yg dh trperam selama 7 hri atau lebih =,=
Kwn2 pn dah start hello2 msing2 tny psl hmework
Yg tny psl soalan tu aq blhla jwb
Tp bila bab jwpn tu aq trsengih sndiri smbil brkata "heheh aq x siap lagila" dan memuji "bagus gler kau buat hmework" dn diperli "wey nk skolah da wei, ko x buat lg ke?"

Eheh.

Serius antara 1001 benda plg xbest dlm dunia ni, aq plg x suka homework
Motif?
Aq x ske buat keje sorg2
Yelah aq buat smua bnda nk jemaah, basuh tgn nk kena teman, tefon umi nk kena teman n etc lagilah.. Smua nk berjemaah
N bila hmework ni kau trsadai sorg2 kt rumah..
Kwn pn xde nk lumba sape siap dulu,
soya.

Aq taula mcm cri alasan
Tp klu keje yg cgu bg dlm kls confirm aq siap..
Tp ble balek rumah rasa pffttt skit..
Aq ske lumba ngn org
Buat lthn segala
Tp ble xde org x bes
Lg satu aq brpegang kepada the real principe of 'cuti sekolah'
Nmpk x frasa tu?
Klu aq bkk kamus mne2 pun cuti tu blh ditafsirkan sbg have a break,
Sekolah tu fhm2 sndirilah..
Jd mksudnya kena stop from doing anything related to school
Because thats the main reason why we have holiday,
To take a break!
Ni tidak. Pegi melancong pun kena bwk bku setebal 5 inchi sbb nk siapkan homework..
Haha nmpk dengan jelas aq x ske homework..

Tp aq amik intensif seminggu
Eventho as i say cuti kna break dri smua school related stuff,
Tp intensif ni mcm ur own choice lah..
So mse cuti, nk pegi memancing ka, nk pegi lahad datu ka, nk pegi shopping ka, it suppose to be ur own choice.
X blh ad restriction-keje sekolah,msyuarat pngawas etc
Do as you like cuz its holiday!

N talking abt wht i choose to do fr holiday,
I took differentation class,
4 hrs per day
Cuz mmg dketahui umum yg aq x leh buat differentation..
Sbb.
Thn lps byk skip klas - debate,trees,pusat sumber
Meh. Aq x blame mne2 yg brkenaan except ble cikgu pggil aq wktu blajar.. Itu adalah sedikit kegeraman..
Ahwell back to the topic,
Bila msuk tusyen pulak, tang tang nak masuk differentationlah pulak i have some issues so x dtg tusyen
So wht i can say is, i can't differentiate..
Akhirnya thn ni aq jmpe jodoh dgn differentiation.. Dpt dtg full intensive :D
Dgn cikgu ohsem n classmates yg sengal2.. Best la intensive ni..
The class is quite noisy *which i like* sbb 5 org je bdk perempuan yg lain lelaki
N u know wht guys do when they feel that it's their territory..
Buat mcm rumah sendiri + bila diorang kenakan kwn diorg tu yg x leh bla tu.. Smpi kengkadang nak gelak pn aq rse brsalah..
Plg lawak mse test siap cek jawapan brjemaah lagi sbb cgu takde #ApelahKorangNi
N aq seperti biasa brsikap competitive,
Selalunya aq ddk sblh diba tp dsbbkn ini test cgu tkar diba dgn sorg bdk lelaki ni..
Aq cek mrkah quiz, 3 org je dpt score tggi fr 3 days

1st quiz: 10/10
2nd quiz: 9/10
3rd quiz: 10/10
Yg 9/10 tu mmg ssh.. Lucky dpt 9/10 xde org dpt full..

So 3 org tu ialah aq sndiri muahaha, dn dua org bdk lelaki yg salah sorg tu kna ddk sblh aq mse test..
So aq mcm hais bdk pndai ni..
Aq dgn penuh rse trcabar nye buat test tu siap cek 4-5 kali sbb nk pstikan jwpn btul.. Yg bdk sblh aq tu dh tension duk dia tgh buat member2 blkg goyang kerusi tny jwpn tulah n jwpn ni..
Aq buat cool n selamba siap cpt..
skali bdk sblh aq tu ketuk2x meja
aq pun pusing
rpanye dia nk tanya soalan nk ap,
pstu dia tnjuk jawapan dia n ckp
"eh ni jwpn dia kan?"
aq pun tgok krtas aq pstu ckp, jawapan x sama..
tp aq x bgtau pun jwpn aq ap lol
yelah aq kan competitive :P
skali aq trpikir,
bdk ni kan bdk pandai,
ntah2x jwpn dia betul,
so aq recheck la 1000 kali soalan tu
rpenye aq salah sikit,
aq btulkan n jawapan aq pun betul #TepukTangan

Last2 mrkah test aq xdela gempak pun 30/40 je..
Highest 38 kut..
Haha melepas aq nk dpt twrn cikgu huhu..
Anyway aq rse bes gler intensive dn skrg aq dh pndai differentiate, tahniah kpd diri sendiri..
Ok pasni sekolah pulak
Asdfghjkl blik lmbt setiap hari n we hamidians are cool like that.
Ew.

La tahzan. Innallahha maana

renungan sebentar

masa daurah hari tu ana pun tergerak hati nak luahkan perasaan ana kat sahabat2x..
ana bagi tau yang ana rasa macam ana belajar tanpa sebab..
ana sendiri x tahu kenapa kena belajar selain spm
sebab semua benda yang belajar tu memang ada yang seronok,
tapi ana x nampak manfaatnya untuk ana sendiri..

contoh dalam kelas belajar teori,
ana rasa macam dah faham kenapa benda ni jadi macam ni kenapa macam tu..
tapi bila exam keluar pasal application ilmu2x yang dah belajar tu,
ana x boleh jawab..
dalam erti kata lain, ana x boleh pun nak imply apa yang ana dah belajar..
sampai satu tahap yang ana rasa useless gila belajar..
belajar2x tapi sebenarnya tak faham pun,,
sampai hilang mood nak menuntut ilmu..

ana rasa lost.. x tahu apa sebenarnya yang ana tengah buat..
rasanya semua sebab spm.. sebab kalau x, ana x kan belajar semua benda ni..
gila tak?

so back to the story, where our conversations start,


ana: aku n adik aku still mencari reasons kenapa kena belajar.. aku tau kita kena belajar, tapi kenapa penting sangat?
aya: ko tau x Allah suruh kita belajar? even ayat first Al-Qur'an pun Iqra'.. Bacalah, berkait dengan belajar gak..
ana: aku tau.. tapi aku x faham kenapa mesti sangat belajar semua benda ni.. contoh fizik, bukannya aku faham pun, aku tak minat pun.. tapi kenapa kena belajar???!!!!
aya: ko tau tak bio, fizik, kimia tu semua ilmu Allah! Allah yang buat semua tu.. sebab tu kena belajar, dengan cara tu kau tahu kehebatan Allah, kau dapat mendekatkan diri dengan Allah! Sains tu manifestasi ciptaan Allah!

masa tu ana terdiam sekejap...
ana fikir..
Jap jap ana x pernah pun terfikir tentang semua tu..
Ana tak pernah pun ambik berat yang semua ilmu tu ilmu Allah..
ana tak pernah pun terfikir nak belajar sebab nak dekatkan diri dengan Allah..
sebelum ni ana rasa benda2x tu takde kaitan pun dengan islam..
then ana sedar yang ana x pernah pun menghargai ilmu yang Allah bagi kat ana free free je selama ni..
semua yang Aya cakap betul..

lepas tu ana pun muhasabah diri balik.. nak dapat ilmu, nak bahagia dengan ilmu, nak guna ilmu, kenalah ikhlas dalam menuntut ilmu.. kalau tak ikhlas, hati jadi gelap, macam mana ilmu nak masuk?
lagi satu, dalam mencari ilmu tu sebenarnya kita tengah mengenali Allah...
kehebatan Allah buat semua tu.. macam mana Allah buat semua tu.. kenapa Allah buat semua tu..
semua ada makna..
kalau kita hayati dan sayang ilmu tu insyaAllah ilmu tu akan berguna buat kita..

alhamdulillah...ana bersyukur Allah kurniakan manusia2x yang hebat di sisi ana yang sentiasa mengingatkan ana kepada Allah.. may we die as muslims

Career Test

lolol..

most of them are true just, it happens only when i'm in a good mood around people that make me happy :) especially positive+cool friends like the moustache band and maryam from sais

No title.

I want to buy this lol
The problem is.
Im late fr tuition n the bakery shuts down on 7
Soyeah.

Interest

As day passes,
I start to lose my interest in learning..
I never want that to happen
But i can't deny that learning seems tiring more than fun
Too many homeworks and assignment
It drives me to a point that makes me think
Cn all of this be more than spm to me?
Ah well i better get the right mindset
N be a better muslim

usrah

one of the thing that i won't miss every week is usrah..
to me, usrah is something which is very very FUN because out of all the things that we have at school,
usrah is the only one focusing on our spiritual development and ukhwah :)
yes. school is for study
yes. school is for co-curriculum activities
yes. school is for everything government told us to do/become..

but usrah is different..
it seemed to have nothing to do with the so-called 'school'

some might say that it's boring to do something that is not important,
something that don't produce any output (on paper) (exam result) etc etc
some might also say,
that without usrah,
they can do many stuff such as finishing homework or watching the latest video clip and such,
those fun things that they can choose to do at the moment,
but usrah is compulsory....

Think......

on the hectic day where people become stressed out,
everybody is feeling intense pressure,
everybody is too occupied it's even hard to see people smiling..
life is NO FUN
BUT. at one moment
we need to stop.
we need to stop thinking about homework, study and all.
and we attend usrah....
usrah that for once free us from thinking about the crazy homework and murderous study
and whether we realize it or not,
only at this moment,
we become alive,
we embark on rational thinking,
we open our eyes to really see what's happening around us,
we remember to care for our relationship with Allah,
and we are suddenly remindeed of every single moment in life that will be evaluated on the Doomsday
those little things which in reality are much bigger than spm or pmr or any exam
those little things that mean SO MUCH to our life if we really care..

Reality struck when... according to mum
"If I die, nothing of those worldly things will matter".

edited by mum

I want to be happy

I saw this 

and my friend wrote:
yyeaaahhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! semangat...buat apa utk sedih en....::))))))))))))))))
And i thought for a while..
Haah buat apa nak sedih sedangkan kita boleh gembira.. Kan?
this short period life rugi kalau sedih2..
Rugi kalau pandang yg negatif je..
Byk kut benda positif sbnrnya,
Ana je yg x perasan.. I've been blinded for such a loooooong time

Ahwell
Now, if i am ever going to feel sad,
I will ask myself to give 10 solid reasons why i deserve to be sad then only i can be sad :)

hey.

"instead of becoming enemies, why don't we become friends?"

why do you think that i'm your enemy? even if it's meant for the future
i don't know where did i do wrong
i don't know why we keep walking on separate lines now..
i don't know when it all started
only when i wake up from a long sleep, i realize that we're doing a separate way
why should this happen after the cloud 9 moments?
we've already moved over this but now its all coming back to us.

i wish i can be the same again
i wish i can be there for you
i wish i can listen to your stories
i wish i can say words that motivates you

but i can't now.

with you isolating me from your world
with you thinking everything can be solved own your own
with you not sharing a bit with me
because you afraid that i may be an enemy.

i can't pretend that i'm okay and do my part.
i tell you i can't pretend even if i'm a good actress
because the way you trust me is a dishonor

passion.

i feel strangled.
i can't speak.
why does it happen now?
i will compete for the last time in the name of maahad hamidiah in 4 days yet i lost almost everything i used to have..
i lost my passion in talking.
everything went wrong when i talked in english.
but i can't use malay either cuz it's been so long i've been taught to think in english,
when i tried to search for malay words, i was lost.

imagine.
i have a tongue yet i can't speak.
i have a voice yet i can't use it.
i have a functional brain yet i still can't speak well in either of those languages.

i seem like a meaningless person

cuts me like a knife

every rose has its thorn - miley 


We both lie silently still
in the dead of the night
Although we both lie close together
We feel miles apart inside

Was it something I said or something I did
Did my words not come out right
Though I tried not to hurt you
Yeah, I tried
But I guess that's why they say

[Chorus:]
Every rose has its thorn
Just like every night has its dawn
Just like every cowboy sings his sad, sad song
Every rose has its thorn

Yeah it does

I listen to our favorite song
playing on the radio
Hear the DJ say loves a game of easy come and easy go
But I wonder does he know
Has he ever felt like this
And I know that you'd be here right now
If I could let you know somehow

[Chorus]

Though it's been a while now
I can still feel so much pain
Like a knife that cuts you the wound heals
but that scar, that scar remains

[Solo]

I know I could've saved a love that night
If I'd known what to say
Instead of makin' love
We both made our separate ways

and now I hear you found somebody new
and that I never meant that much to you
And to hear that tears me up inside
And to see you cuts me like a knife

[Chorus]

nothing personal, j

the world doesn't seem normal to me now wow

Growing up in islamic schools,
I mingle with friends, teachers and people who do care about how islam works as the way of life,
Putting Hadiths and the Holy Qur'an first before man-made-logics..
They search for the reasons behind why Islam says so..

But the thing is,
I'm so used to this situation, I've never expected that out there,
Many confusions and false thoughts linger in people's minds,
Since they don't know about hadith and Qur'an,
They don't even study.
So they use their so called logic
The logic which is under their paradigm,
Is the most common phrase,
'Islam is easy'
"If it is hard, then it is not Islam."
'Islam progresses through decades'
"Back then, people had Rasulullah, that's why they have to follow everything he said and do. Following what he did now is not realistic because he is no longer alive." 

Ahwell..
You should know that Islam teaches the basics of everything,
And basics can be applied in all circumstances and time..
Exhibit 1:
Back then they used Archimedes' to determine pure gold,
Now, we STILL use Archimedes' but to do other things such as hot air balloons and et cetera

Same goes to islam,
The basic : Cover your aurah.
Back then and even now, we still need to cover our aurah but we can actually be fashionable now (since being 'fashionable' is a recent term) as long as you don't expose your aurah..

So i just wanted to share about what happened yesterday,
My tuition teacher encouraged us to find a boyfriend/girlfriend and get to know them after school,
He encouraged us to couple, to put it in easy words
And i blurted out, eh couple haramlah!

And BAM!
I never expected the conversation to turn into a 30-minutes debate, it was during my physics class, mind you.
And, in front of people who claimed that their ustazah said, "you can couple", who said that "There are no Hadiths saying that Khalwat is haram,  Islam ada sekeras-keras hukum dan selembut-lembut hukum.."

It was too much, my head spun.
But i tried my best to answer every question although i know my answer may not satisfy everyone.

There were some hot issues that came out yesterday:
1) Kena couple sebab nak tahu pasangan kita tu macam mana

- Kalau couple pun, macamlah kita kenal dia.. bila couple of course dia akan tunjukkan dia perfect gila.. Siyes kalau perempuan yang malas, tetibe jadi rajin bila couple.. Yang suka marah-marah terus cair bila jumpa boyfriend.. Dah kenal ape macam tu? yYang kita kenal cuma luaran yang diorang pura-pura nak tunjuk kat kita.. And once you got married, 2 tahun, barulah nampak taringnya.. yelah duduk sebumbung, dah kawen, no more sugar-coated words 24/7.. Buatnya suami memang suka duduk depan tv, masa couple boleh la, eh dia memang suka macam tu.. Dah kawen, nak suruh beli barang, nak mintak tolong pun x boleh sebab 'habit' dia tu.. of course marah kan? I mean lepas kawen, they hope you will change because you have responsibilities and all, but you don't!

So seriously aku cakap, tak ada gunanya..
Lepas kawen gak kau tau perangai sebenar dia..

-Kalau cara islam, macam mana?
Dalam islam, memang kita kena jaga batas antara lelaki and perempuan.. Kalau nak kenal dia, Islam sarankan, bukannya pergi jumpa dia 24 jam.. Bukan hantar mesej cinta tanya awak makan apa, awak suka apa, TAK. Pergi risik dia melalui kawan-kawan dia, jiran-jiran and family dia.. Pendek kata orang yang dekat dengan dia.. Sebab, diorang yang membesar sebumbung dengan dia, diorang lagi tau perangai dia.. Itu kalau kes yang kau nak kahwin dengan orang yang tak berapa kenal..

Tapi kalau kes yang kau dari darjah satu sampai tingkatan 5 satu kelas, and kau memang dah berkenan, boleh je masuk meminang terus.. Yelah dah suka, mesti ada sebab kan? Mesti kau dah tau dia ni macam ni macam tu sebab dah arif sangat dengan perangai dia.. Jadi kalau dah suka, sila buktikan anda gentleman dengan pergi jumpa mak ayah minta restu, bawa rombongan pergi meminang.. Let's say if nak kenal lebih lagi sebelum buat keputusan nak kahwin ke tak, boleh taaruf(berkenalan) masa merisik.. Ha, nak tanya apa, tanyalah.. Kau qiam(bangun malam) setiap hari ke tak? Pandai masak ke tak? Suka tidur lepas subuh ke tak? Memang masa tu terbuka ruang penuh untuk soalan.. And kalau ada benda yang kita x berkenan, boleh terus cakap, kalau boleh saya nak kahwin dengan orang yang qiam, awak boleh cuba tak dari sekarang? Kalau awak boleh, saya setuju nak pinang awak. or, maaflah tapi saya rasa mungkin awak tak sesuai untuk saya sebab saya prefer orang macam ni macam ni... hah tak kesah..

Kan simple tu?
Tak payah susah-susah nak ambik masa bertahun-tahun dating, chat sebab nak kenal.. Yang kau kenal bukannya dia pun, cuma perangai dia tunjuk kat kau je..

Bila ikut islam, kau terus boleh risik perangai dia, tanya mak dia, dia ni manja ke tak, keras kepala ke tak, tanya kawan dia, cakap ni bukan isu remeh sebab kau akan sehidup semati dengan dia kalau jodoh panjang, jadi kau nak tahu betul-betul pasal dia..

Dah tau semua, kawen.. simple man..

2) Kalau tak couple, takut nanti tak kawen

- Tiga benda Allah dah tentukan untuk kita dekat luh mahfuz:

i) kelahiran - waktu,tempat,cara dan semua yang berkaitan
ii) jodoh - siapa, bila dan semua yang berkaitan
iii) kematian - waktu,tempat,cara dan semua yang berkaitan

Tiga benda ni memang kau x boleh tukar, sebab dia dah tetap..

Couple lah 99999999999 kali pun, kalau Allah tulis memang jodoh kau kat syurga, memang takkan jumpalah kat dunia.. sebab tu putus, cari lagi.. putus, cari lagi.. putus, cari lagi..

"Habis? nak tunggu melongo je ke? Kita nak kawen kenalah usaha!"
Memang betul sangat, kena usaha.. Macam mana nak usaha? Persiapkan diri.. Yang lelaki.. nak jadi imam kan? Imam, mestilah kena mendalami dan mengamalkan ilmu agama, so, practise dari sekarang.. and perempuan, nak jadi isteri, jaga kelengkapan suami kan? Belajar gosok baju, belajar cara nak didik anak dengan betul.. Ha.. sebelum kawen lah kena bersiap sedia.. takkan bila dapat anak baru nak kecoh cari buku psikologi..

Pastu pasangan nak jumpa macam mana?

Be observant. Kalau tengok-tenogk, rasa macam berkenan, hah ape lagi, plan dengan mak ayah, jumpa parents dia.. Tunjuk planning hidup, tunjuk bekalan yang dah dipersiapkan, contoh, ilmu agama, pekerjaan, status kewangan dan sebagainya.. rancang terus..

Atau, yang ragu-ragu.. dia ni dah berpunya ke belum? Guna pihak ketiga.. Jumpa orang yang dipercayai, ustaz atau ustazah tanya, minta tolong tanyakan dia ni dah ada orang ke belum? Kalau ada orang yang ada kemampuan macam ni macam tu, dia nak kahwin tak? Kalau dia kata tak bersedia then tak pelah.. Dah selamat maruah kat situ.. Dia tak tau siapa kita tapi kita dah tahu jawapan dia.. Kita tahu dia ni dah ada orang cop ke belum? Kan simple, takdelah bawak rombongan satu kampung sekali yang nak dipinang dah berpunya..

Kalau nak tanya ayah mak pun tak pe.. Anak pakcik dah ada orang ke belum.. Ha.. simple camtulah.. investigate dulu sebelum nak pinang.. Sebab haram pinang tunang orang.. or.. Manalah tahu dia memang tak bersedia lagi, at least kita dah tahu awal-awal..

3) Couple boleh kalau dah memang niat nak kawen

i- Boleh guarantee kau kawen ngan dia?
ii- Kalau nak kawen, kawen jelah terus.. tak payah nak couple, jumpa mak ayah, sampaikan hasrat.. kata nak kawen.. kalau tak mampu, tunang dulu
iii- Perlu ke couple kalau dah nak kawen? kata nak kawen ngan dia, maksudnya memang dah kenal dia,dah suka perangai dia, so nak buat apa couple lagi?

last but not least - soalan cepumas

my teacher: awak pernah kena risik tak?
me: saya baru 17 cikgu
my teacher: awak pernah suka orang tak?
me: pernahlah
my teacher: kenapa pernah?
me: sebab -------
my teacher: okay, sebab apa awak suka dia?
me: sebab2x tertentulah.. contoh cikgu suka orang yang suara sedap, macam tulah..
my teacher: tapi kenapa?
me: sebab ----------------------------------
my teacher: okay masa awak suka dia tu awak ada fikir tak nak jadikan dia imam awak ke?
me: takdelah cikgu, saya belum fikir pasal kawen lagi.. saya cuma mengagumi dia je

camtulah.. aku rasa memang terkadang kita tersuka orang tu.. normal.. remaja.. lek ah tak makna kita mesti nak kawen dengan dia kalau kita suka.. kan2x? plus, aku hanyalah meng-admire kelebihan2x dia.. aku belum sampai tahap aku rasa aku mampu terima kelemahan dia, sehidup semati ngan dia.. sebab. aku tahu aku masih remaja yang belum cukup matang untuk memilih calon suami.. hohoho

aku harap perkongsian ini bermanfaat untuk semua.. sekian ^_^

debate during class

just now i debated with my tuition tc whether couple is haram or not.. meh i feel bad when i answer the question abt why i like my crush.. supposedly it's not necessary though.. i also feel bad because i don't think i had explained everything well.. and i also lose point for not using logic which my sister brought up when i chatted with her.. i am a weak speaker.. i am afraid tht bcoz of me, ppl won't like islam.. i need to learn more.. n tht crush thing is really killing me.. i shouldn't say that.. i just.. when he asked questions, i only thought to answer all of them to make him understand.. well. not all questions need answers.. i need to learn more.. Allah guide me. guide the muslims n ppl who listened to my speech.. make us a better muslim ya Allah

a thing to ponder

walaupun sepatutnya masa terluang digunakan untuk menelaah buku yang setebal burger king,
namun ana masih x dpt mencari kekuatan untuk menyepit mata dan telinga untuk memfokus secara gila terhadap subjek biologi..

jadi pada malam kegilaan apabila form 5 bertungkus lumus menelaah sehingga terlukis peta asli di kulit buku,
ana memilih untuk menulis.
dan hari demi hari ana makin gila menulis..
semua adalah kerana usaha ana untuk menjauhi twitter yang merupakan freedom of expression ana suatu zaman dahulu..
eceh.

tapi not so bad tak bukak twitter.
ana rasa ana lebih terbuka untuk menerima hidup ini seadanya
or shall i say, the reality?

yelah twitter, conversation blh edit2x, letak smiley bagai padahal depan laptop muka siyes tahap dewa je..
yang depan laptop pulak tersenyum beruk sebab dapat smiley yang hanyalah titik dan kurungan..
:)

sewel kan?
heheh..

so dalam banyak post2x merepek dan meluahkan perasaan ana yang tak puas hati dengan hidup,
ana terfikir..
aku sorang je ke yang hidup kat dunia ni?
aku sorang je ke yang ada masalah?
orang lain nampak bahagia je...
macam takde masalah langsung..
dunia ni macam syurga untuk diorang..

pastu ana teringat satu ayat ni..
"everybody has their own problem, the difference is, they handle it way more better than you"

so sebenarnya ada je orang yang hidup dia berzillion kali lagi miserable dari hidup ana..
and in fact, hidup ana tak layak pun digelar miserable,
ana ada mak ayah yang sayang giler2x dengan ana sedari kecik sampai besar panjang,
ana ada adik2x yang pandai, baik, kreatif dan lawa2x semua..
ana ada famili yang bahagia yang tak semua orang ada..
ana ada famili yang mementingkan agama yang tak semua orang ada..

ana ada kawan2x,
ana ada sekolah,
dan paling penting sekali,

ana ada Allah..

banyak mana pun ujian yang menimpa,
ana seharusnya ingat,
Allah tidak akan menguji hambaNya melainkan sesuai dengan kemampuannya..

maksudnya lagi berat ujian tu,
lagi besar kemampuan ana untuk menghadapinya..

jadi kalau ada masalah,
ana patut berlapang dada dengan Allah dan letak tangan di dada,
kata kat hati, ana hebat, sebab tu Allah uji..

kalau ana lembik, tak perlu Allah uji semua ni..

betul tak?

lagipun.. Allah tak pernah timpakan hidup kita ni dengan kesusahan..
kalau kita pusing dan lihat 360 darjah,
MashaAllah..
banyak benda yang Allah kasi tapi kita tak sedar..
dan percayalah cakap ana,
benda baik yang Allah kurniakan tu jauh lebih banyak dari ujian yang Allah beri..
sebab Allah tu Maha Pemurah, Maha Pengasih dan Maha Penyayang..

so.
kalau ada masalah,
fikir.
Allah tahu antum boleh tempuhi ujian ni,
which means
you are a great person,
so, letak tangan kat dada n cakap kat hati,
i can do this
dan senyum :)

thing

there's a thing that he won't understand..
there's a thing that she may not understand..
there's a thing that the universe can't understand
there's a thing that only few would understand..

tide

i miss talking to mum..
i miss putting my head on mum's shoulder and said that i'm tired with life..
i miss sharing stories with mum every night..
i miss mum's words that always inspire me..
i miss mum who is always besides me..
i miss mum who loves me the way i am..
i miss mum saying that trying is good and failure is a key to success..
i miss mum saying that Allah has a better plan for me..
i miss mum who keeps motivates me every single time..
i miss everything about mum..
and she's not here for the moment..

dear mum...
i'm sorry
but i'm tired again with life..
can i quit now?
i want to have a rest..

remedy

i'll stop doing whatever you hate if that's what you want..
i'll stop being childish and stand on my own if that's what you want..

people are telling me to be myself..
people are telling me to turn a deaf ear to what people say..

but i tell you i can't..
i can't never turn a deaf ear..
i don't want to be cold-hearted..
i want to listen to what people say..
i want to do something about it..

and if that's the thing..
i will change..
they say they like me this way..
i am truly happy..

but,
the moment you kept complaining about my behaviour..
had changed me..
changed my thought that i should always be myself..

people say changing is hard.
but i can try..
if that's what you want.
if the version of myself all grown up is what you like to see..
then i'll show you how it looks like..

all to satisfy you.. so that your life won't be miserable the way it is. now.

let's stop

"if you think that your life is too miserable by serving people what they want, then don't do it, no one pay you to listen and act"

i'm tired too..
maybe i troubled people around me with my problems only for my own good..
and hey..
i feel tired too..
with this hustle and bustle that will never stop until it reaches one point..
and during those journey to reach that point..
i know and i am sure many will get hurt..
many will get involve..

and just to be frank,
i'm sorry if anybody got hurt because of me..
okay i'm selfish for dragging you or anybody else into this..
let's keep this settle..
let's stop this..
i just want to be a spectator and stay on the bench..
i don't want to go in front, attract attention and enemies..
i want to be ordinary..
so nobody will fear me..
nobody will think that i am threatening their position or so what not..
nobody will be jealous..
and nobody will make noise with my decision..
because i don't decide anything for their life..

let's settle this and stop everything..
cuz i'm a human and i know how it feels to be burdened..
and if i am the one who burdening you,
then i'm sorry i'll pull off
happy?

you should tell me in the first place if you cannot bear any of this. i'll be happy to exclude you although i thought you are my wings

the U and road run

oyeahhh finally i've made it!! finally finally and finally i finished my road run in my senior year!! well it had been 2 years (f4 & f3) i didn't join the event so i was quite nervous considering the fact that two years is a long period and also my weak stamina xD..at first, i was really enthusiastic running until..

until..

until..

my chest hurts..  wait. that should be put in a better phrase.. maybe weak.. umm wait. maybe fat.. heheh

altho i can constantly run(or jog.. i dunno it's speed 5 on treadmill) for 2 km.. but running up and down.. cutting the line was pfffttttttttttt...

i started quite well but that chest pain.. it made my right hand numb.. that moment.. i only think to walk coz chest pain might be the cause of insufficient of oxygen or the blood path is too hectic my cells were pushing each other and that's why it hurts.. so i walked and moved my hand up and down to allow better blood movement.. heheh

then at one turn.. i saw my teacher and she was cheering up for me and also challenged me to run.. so i ran.. then i saw madihah n syimae cheered so i kept running.. until one point it hurts and i was tired.. so i walked back.. then pap! i saw a boy ran cutting the girls line.. for god sake! they ran after the girls ran and they went to longer path and and i saw him and i was like asdfghjkllllll.. okay that's still okay.. then two guys cut the line.. one of them is our captain so i was like Hohoho!! that's our captain!! still i can't run.. then along the way i saw my classmates (boys) cutting my line and i was likeeee #%&@&#@*#@&%#*'##& !! heheh then i met fizah and i was relieved.. we only aimed to finish the run cuz it's too exhausting.. then we chatted and it was fun lohhll.. n suddenly, a boy from rumah biru cut my line and clapped his hands twice and showed hand gestures asking me to keep running.. fizah was like kenapa tu? and i said dia nak suruh lari la tu.. and yeah for the effort and support, i ran.. and i saw he kept doing the same thing when he passed by any girl from rumah biru.. so i gained the spirit back and start pulling the rumah biru girls to run with me.. then dah penat so i walked and i just thought of the drinks prepared at the school.. so mse turun jejantas i ran pstu x larat dh. but i still got a point for the run cuz i reached the finishing line before the time limit.. jyeah!!! i finished my road run in my senior year and nothing feels so good this moment than this.. yeahhhhh ooooooo aaaaaaa yaaaaaaaa maaaaa huuuuu hohohohoooo *muka bangga ibarat hero antarabangsa O:')